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England jokes doing the rounds Options
oxymoron
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 3:06:23 AM
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Location: Bungalow, usually in garden/greenhouse


Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/15/2010
Posts: 865
Points: 913
Location: Bungalow, usually in garden/greenhouse
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arse holes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room. (This one must have been made up by an Arsenal fan!!!).

srirr
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 3:08:56 AM

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Atleast English team can bring some smiles. :) If not on the field, on the Internet.

Tovarish
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 4:46:08 AM
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Oxy, I think the English Papers are really tough on your sporting teams, when they loose.

The Aussie Socceroos, went down the gurgler rather early.

Those men have been tougher on them selves than the Aussie Media has.

The Media bolsters the teams so much before they play, and if they loose, which does happen, even to the best, the media seems to take it as a personal affront to them and their forecasting

Give the poor blokes a fair go.
peterhewett
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 7:31:18 AM
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I agree with Tovarish

I am not one to kick a man or team when it’s down… oh no… even the shower of an England team deserves support despite the fact they were less than useless. Never mind the disappointment they have caused to watching millions or the amateur performances. The fact that they looked like park players is neither here nor there is it. It is unfair to label them bloody useless, ineffectual perhaps, but bloody, bloody useless? That’s bordering on being too harsh. One cannot go so far as to wish them well, but one does hope we have seen the last of them. As I said, I am not one to kick a team when it is down…oh no.
redsxz
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 9:14:04 AM
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Hilarious, love it Oxy,all of them fantastic quips.
Ravindra
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 10:38:28 AM
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A stupid, rather the blind-decision of the referee seeded the lackluster-performance in the otherwise capable team of the England. The England, if not have won, could have comfortably drawn the match. The whole world was witness to this. So, cheer up dears!
Of all the matches played hitherto, I would love to watch this again and again. What an agility, thrilling and lightning! Kudos to England and Germany!! Bravo!!!

Objectivity and justice have nothing to do with one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)



chovekazadborcheto
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 12:58:06 PM
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Ravindra wrote:
A stupid, rather the blind-decision of the referee seeded the lackluster-performance in the otherwise capable team of the England. The England, if not have won, could have comfortably drawn the match.
...



Only to be beaten from the spot yet again Boo hoo!
Mr. Soria
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 2:00:38 PM
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Mr. Oximoron :
I love the world cup and I love this quips .
You made me laught in my morning . Thank you
oxymoron
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 2:21:25 PM
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You're all very welcome.
Rank Yank
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 5:10:56 PM
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Location: United States
The jokes are funny. However, I feel a little sorry for the English players being subjected to such a razzing. After all it's just soccer. Don't know why the rest of the world goes gaga over a boring sport. Guess it might be because kids everywhere can play it at little expense. All you need is a ball, some open space and a few chums. I think the win or be ridiculed standard borders on the barbaric.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 5:35:39 PM

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Rank Yank wrote:
The jokes are funny. However, I feel a little sorry for the English players being subjected to such a razzing. After all it's just soccer. Don't know why the rest of the world goes gaga over a boring sport. Guess it might be because kids everywhere can play it at little expense. All you need is a ball, some open space and a few chums. I think the win or be ridiculed standard borders on the barbaric.


It seems to take some decades before you U.S. Americans realise that carrying an oval ball here and there is not so popular and interesting worldwide as Football is.
maximus
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 5:37:28 PM
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Horrible referring.Wonder what exactly is the job of the fourth official?
Is he like "the guy with the watch" and "the guy who puts up a billboard" once in a while?
Raparee
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 5:51:42 PM

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Jyrkkä Jätkä wrote:
It seems to take some decades before you U.S. Americans realise that carrying an oval ball here and there is not so popular and interesting worldwide as Football is.

I'll watch European Footie any day before US Football (alas, I can normally only listen online). ;) Up the Blades!
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 5:55:51 PM

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Raparee wrote:

I'll watch European Footie any day before US Football (alas, I can normally only listen online). ;) Up the Blades!


Footie? When did you immigrate to Australia?
Raparee
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 6:10:08 PM

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Jyrkkä Jätkä wrote:
Raparee wrote:

I'll watch European Footie any day before US Football (alas, I can normally only listen online). ;) Up the Blades!


Footie? When did you immigrate to Australia?

Haven't...though my Aussie friend keeps telling me to do so. ;) You read enough Brit Lit and fanfic and trust me, you pick things up. My completely American sports nut of a friend got me hooked on English Football (I don't think she's met a sport she didn't like...may have to ask her about cricket...I think that one might boggle her mind). She couldn't listen to the match at work and I was stuck at the receptionist desk with absolutely nothing to do. I did, however, have an internet connection and speakers/headset. I listened to the match and relayed the information to her. Enjoyed it immensely. Now I listen when I get the opportunity.

I've also been an Anglophile since I was tiny. BBCAmerica is one of my most watched channels. Dancing And yes, I am American, born and bred.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 6:24:31 PM

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Raparee wrote:
My completely American sports nut of a friend got me hooked on English Football (I don't think she's met a sport she didn't like...may have to ask her about cricket...I think that one might boggle her mind).


Ask her about Pétanque. Well, that needs some Francophiliacy ;-)
memphis jailer
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 7:13:57 PM
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well to the posts that replied that american football is boring .. so is watching a ball go back and forth without scoring and supposedly grown men being carted off the field on a stretcher when nothing is wrong with him ... in america if you get carted off the field you have a serious injury and are not just acting
Tovarish
Posted: Thursday, July 1, 2010 12:35:46 AM
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Rank Yank, I love it.

Rank as in title? or rank as in, you need some deodorant?

As you are a newbie, I probably have to tell you in advance about Aussie Humor, no it is NOT an oxymoron.

We, the Royal we, call all citizens of the US, Yanks.

As we are also a little in the past with our rhyming slang, we also call citizens of the US, Septic Tanks.

If we really like you 'we' just call you 'Septic' or 'Hey! Septic'.

Welcome to our dizzying heights of intellectualism!
memphis jailer
Posted: Thursday, July 1, 2010 10:12:28 PM
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tovarish .... well do me a favor and do not refer to me as a yank ... that title is a more deserving description of someone from the north (above kentucky) ... also you could leave out the septic referance and just refer to me as a person instead of just a supposed clever rhyme schemed insult .... thanks in advance
redsxz
Posted: Friday, July 2, 2010 1:17:56 AM
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memphis jailer wrote:
tovarish .... well do me a favor and do not refer to me as a yank ... that title is a more deserving description of someone from the north (above kentucky) ... also you could leave out the septic referance and just refer to me as a person instead of just a supposed clever rhyme schemed insult .... thanks in advance


Take a chill pill and perhaps have a look at the intentions of the person. Tovarish is not the type.
Tovarish
Posted: Friday, July 2, 2010 4:31:12 AM
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Thank you, Red, we Aussies stick together!
memphis jailer
Posted: Friday, July 2, 2010 7:09:57 PM
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well when i read the post i saw someone possibly saying "welcome newcomer", but then also i saw a few terms that really does not describe me as a person ... when i wrote my reply i was not upset, just kind of speaking matter of factly .... well anyway hope ya'll are having a good day .... being aussie do you call each other mates? i would say good day to you mates if applicable
Tovarish
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2010 3:23:17 AM
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Believe it or not, we don't all speak like Paul Hogan either!

Definitely, Welcome to the Forum, it is a great place to interact with people of other Cultures, and learn new ideas.

The term you were trying to get was "g'day", one word, we only put Mate on the end if we really, really mean it.
redsxz
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2010 6:20:00 AM
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Tovarish wrote:
Believe it or not, we don't all speak like Paul Hogan either!

Definitely, Welcome to the Forum, it is a great place to interact with people of other Cultures, and learn new ideas.

The term you were trying to get was "g'day", one word, we only put Mate on the end if we really, really mean it.


Though I know a lot of true blue Aussies who use mate in a sarcastic smart ass way.

But yes we Aussies do stick together!
memphis jailer
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2010 3:25:52 PM
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yea i've noticed alot of people on here are from different places ... which is cool .... i guess it makes for interesting conversation .... it's a lot different than what i deal with here .... so how are things on that side of the world? .... here it's the same shit same day .... as you can tell i work at the jail in memphis and have an excellent client base lol .... last year (i believe it was last year) we were ranked as the nations most dangerous city based on per capita ... but i'm from here and have family here .... so for now .... i'm here
redsxz
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2010 9:37:03 PM
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memphis jailer wrote:
yea i've noticed alot of people on here are from different places ... which is cool .... i guess it makes for interesting conversation .... it's a lot different than what i deal with here .... so how are things on that side of the world? .... here it's the same shit same day .... as you can tell i work at the jail in memphis and have an excellent client base lol .... last year (i believe it was last year) we were ranked as the nations most dangerous city based on per capita ... but i'm from here and have family here .... so for now .... i'm here


Do you see crimes everyday like in my imagination?
Tovarish
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2010 9:46:57 PM
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Memphis, isnt that Elvis country?
There was a recent posting about "same sh..t, different day", probably under "Knowledge & Culture" ha ha

What are we doing?
Well my husband is running a Charity 'Rum Lawn Bowls Day', for War Widows.

Only thing is the bowlers have 2 shots of Bundy Rum at 8.30am and then 2 more after each end, I dont know anything about lawn bowls, but at the end of the day neither do the bowlers. ha ha

More Aussie humor.
memphis jailer
Posted: Sunday, July 4, 2010 3:57:27 PM
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to redsxz ... i have seen a few crimes, but usually its assault and aggravated assault (assault with a weapon) .... and to tovarish .... yes it is supposedly elvis country, but it's kinda hard to tell that at times .... a lot of people think this city is country and/or backwoods ... it can be, but we have around 1 million people living in and around here .... also i've been saying same sh*t same day for a while .... some days just seem like the day before in here ... inmates always complain about the same issues and it usually never ends ... and the rum lawn bowls day sounds fun ... i love rum! .... well rum and jager .... are either one of ya'll on facebook?
Tovarish
Posted: Sunday, July 4, 2010 9:00:59 PM
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No not on facebook,
I am just a little shy, country, Aussie lady.
Try some Bundaburg Rum, Aussie made. Usually had with coke. Whats Jager?
memphis jailer
Posted: Sunday, July 4, 2010 10:17:41 PM
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not sure they have aussie rum, but will check ... and jager (pronounced yager) is short for jagermeister ... its from germany .... i like it with red bull .... if you can find it try it ... about a shot and a half to two shots of jager with a half can of red bull .... it's called a jager bomb .... also if you like the taste of honey they have barenjager .... tastes exactly like honey you would buy out of the store
Tovarish
Posted: Sunday, July 4, 2010 10:36:18 PM
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So Jager is German Rum?
Wooh, your eyes would roll like a poker machine with that plus caffeine!

Bundy & Coke is a staple down here, especially young country people.
They mix it in plastic garbage cans & shoot it out into a glass with a sheep drench gun.

Then they are all Jober as a Sudge, ritual at B & S Balls, Good Counrty Aussie fun
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Monday, July 5, 2010 3:52:06 AM

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Jägermeister (German pronunciation: [ˈjɛːɡɐˌmaɪstɐ]; English: /ˈjeɪɡərmaɪstər/ YAY-gər-mye-stər) is a German 70-proof liqueur made with herbs and spices.
Tovarish
Posted: Monday, July 5, 2010 4:18:51 AM
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Wooh, that is potent. I imagine you drink it very sparingly?
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Monday, July 5, 2010 6:44:00 AM

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Oh, that 70-proof is U.S. notation, elsewhere it's 35% alcohol ;-)
Anyhow jägermeister is normally consumed as shots.
Tovarish
Posted: Monday, July 5, 2010 6:53:21 AM
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Understand,that is a comparable % alcohol to Scotch?
I believe Rum down here is also in proof readings 100% proof, & over proofed.
I dont really get, shots.
No time to savour the taste, only the after burner.
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