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Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, August 29, 2015 2:05:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, September 5, 2015 1:25:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go
fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to
the weather forecast for the next few
hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the
coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said,
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in
just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this
area".

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the
palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively
educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high
wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will
continue on my way." So he continued on
his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful
condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high
paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I
obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it
means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and
occupy its highest and most influential
positions.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, September 22, 2015 4:58:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Wife's Diary:
Tonight , I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, “Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too. "
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?



DarkMoon
Posted: Tuesday, September 22, 2015 6:20:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/22/2009
Posts: 16,657
Neurons: 46,684
That's a good one, Hope! Applause Applause
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, September 22, 2015 8:03:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Thanks, Dark Moon. (Just bumping the post up so others may see it. I thought it was really funny - because it is so true.)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2015 2:53:26 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Applause



tootsie
Posted: Saturday, October 10, 2015 10:59:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub were stumbling up the country road in near darkness.

"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into a graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Paddy, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, October 11, 2015 2:27:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D



translation-
(its not what you think,its accupuncture)
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, December 13, 2015 12:59:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,689
Neurons: 249,615
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

I tell you, your 'laquered duck' smells of paint!


Cartoon by FraPar
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 20, 2015 11:04:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
Schlook Inside
Posted: Wednesday, January 13, 2016 7:39:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


[image not available]




Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....well on the 8th day, God and the angle Gabriel were looking down on the world and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy in fact that today I will create the best land in the world and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies...I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans...I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy..I will let them experience all 4 seasons and I will populate this land with all different types of people...nothing but the kindest, gentlest most caring people in the world...and they shall be known as Canadians...These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all..they will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile..and this whole time Gabriel has become quite worried so finally he says.."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?"...God looks upon Gabriel and smiles...then says "Don't worry Gabriel....wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them!"
yathuplays
Posted: Tuesday, January 26, 2016 5:19:23 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 3/4/2015
Posts: 77
Neurons: 19,479
Location: Thornhill, Ontario, Canada
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, January 28, 2016 4:29:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?



Both look good until they hit the ice.
IMcRout
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 4:02:14 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth, and mutters, "Too fucking late pal! I've already done the paperwork!"
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, January 29, 2016 5:55:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
If you get this joke, you need to get out of the house more often!

Ah, it's good to be 173.0.0.1
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, January 30, 2016 4:51:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Schlooky, well I don't get this joke, so guess I get out enough. But I surely love your one before that - have copied if for my Canadian friends!
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, January 30, 2016 5:14:22 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Hope123 wrote:
Schlooky, well I don't get this joke, so guess I get out enough. But I surely love your one before that - have copied if for my Canadian friends!








[image not available]


Another one for you Hope..This is PK Subban(a Montreal Canadians hockey player) doing an immitation of Don Cherry(sports caster/commentator),it had me in stitches when I first saw it,I couldn't stop laughing...You prolly already saw it,but just in case its worth the watch...click on the link below..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRgJq_yHbI8
IMcRout
Posted: Sunday, January 31, 2016 6:46:10 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Speaking about hockey ...

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, January 31, 2016 2:24:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D Applause



Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, February 3, 2016 6:12:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Good one, IMc.
Schlooky, I posted your pic on FB for one of my friends.



[image not available]




[image not available]




[image not available]
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, February 3, 2016 6:19:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
A couple more CDN jokes -



[image not available]




[image not available]

Bedells
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 12:37:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 3,321
Neurons: 620,606
Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. When the two friends got off the plane -still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots- they wandered into a pub and sat down.

The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day mates. Where're you from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", one of the Canadians replied.

"Oh", said the Aussie, returning to his table.

"So, where are they from?", the other locals asked.

"Don't know", replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English"
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:34:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:35:34 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 1:34:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
You're on a roll Hope123 :)



"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."





Hope123
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 12:47:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Good one, Maggie/Violet. Or should I say the Dowager Countess of Grantham?

This is for the fans of Maggie Smith and/or the fans of "Downton Abbey".




[image not available]
IMcRout
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 5:07:10 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
Hope123
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 9:43:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

A Higgs-Boson particle was entering the church; the alarmed priest yelled from the pulpit: " STOP! You heretics are not allowed in here!"

The H-B-P turned around, smirked, and said, "Fine! let's see how they have mass without me..."
Hope123
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 10:14:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Bedells
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 12:37:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 3,321
Neurons: 620,606
Recently a poll of people in New York City showed that 80 percent of them wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world. Besides, it was reported, it would violate the terms of their parole.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 3:57:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Q: What is the center of gravity?











































A: The letter V!
yathuplays
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 4:48:29 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 3/4/2015
Posts: 77
Neurons: 19,479
Location: Thornhill, Ontario, Canada
which city is dangerous? it's electricity
Hope123
Posted: Monday, February 15, 2016 11:08:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ...Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup ...Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil ...Alive...

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, February 16, 2016 1:39:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,288
Neurons: 58,734
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, February 16, 2016 2:11:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 41,419
Neurons: 1,546,516
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

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