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tootsie
Posted: Wednesday, May 20, 2015 10:16:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
Inner Peace


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives..

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished - I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, May 20, 2015 11:28:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,590
Neurons: 248,054
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom


[image not available]


Yea Tootsie!
Applause Applause
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, May 21, 2015 12:13:31 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Warning. May contain unsuitable language. Viewer discretion is advised. (Because I didn't use mine.)

Do cats stutter?

A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

(I would have had to leave the room too.)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, May 23, 2015 4:58:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Good onesApplause


anton-Юрий
Posted: Sunday, June 7, 2015 9:36:11 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 22,454
Neurons: 73,203
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, June 7, 2015 2:41:22 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Bring Me The Winner

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

Well then bring me the winner.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Thursday, June 18, 2015 12:03:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 22,454
Neurons: 73,203
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Thursday, June 18, 2015 12:07:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,590
Neurons: 248,054
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Is there an echo around here?
anton-Юрий
Posted: Thursday, June 18, 2015 12:12:03 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 22,454
Neurons: 73,203
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Here?

jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, June 18, 2015 12:49:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,867
Neurons: 705,603
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q. What is the difference between a dead bagpiper on the road and a dead hedgehog on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the hedgehog.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, June 18, 2015 12:59:09 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,867
Neurons: 705,603
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
"Let's do spelling, children," the teacher said to her class. "Thomas, how do you spell 'farm'?"

"E-I-E-I-O-, miss".
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, June 20, 2015 3:28:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


[image not available]
Alice Liddell
Posted: Sunday, July 12, 2015 11:54:41 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/24/2014
Posts: 112
Neurons: 3,229
Location: Sofia, Sofia-Capital, Bulgaria
"Your husband is so smart and intelligent, he must know everything!"

"No, he doesn't even suspect."



That's one of my favourite jokes. The others are mostly politically incorrect Shhh Shhh Shhh
Alice Liddell
Posted: Sunday, July 12, 2015 11:54:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/24/2014
Posts: 112
Neurons: 3,229
Location: Sofia, Sofia-Capital, Bulgaria
"Your husband is so smart and intelligent, he must know everything!"

"No, he doesn't even suspect."



That's one of my favourite jokes. The others are mostly politically incorrect Shhh Shhh Shhh
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, July 14, 2015 6:57:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Puns for Educated Minds

How does Moses make his tea ?
Hebrews it....

Venison for dinner again ?
Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker,
but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog,
but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die,
apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her
job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection
you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much
pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations
have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have
nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because
I kneaded dough.

- Velcro -what a rip off!
IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, July 14, 2015 8:31:11 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Applause Applause Applause
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, July 18, 2015 7:11:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
It was a good one, eh what, IMc? Here's another.
::
Airlines (UPS is an American Cargo Airline. I can't verify trruthfulness of 'gripe sheets'.)

But - Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield..
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right..
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2015 6:18:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 46,137
Neurons: 656,139
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2015 9:46:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
JJ - the link takes you to a Facebook Error page.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2015 1:48:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,967
Neurons: 101,926
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Hope123 wrote:
JJ - the link takes you to a Facebook Error page.


I guess that's the joke, hope
Not talking

Jim: My Grampa lived to be 97 and he never used glasses.

Sean: Well, All my uncles on my father's side prefer to drink it neat from the bottle too.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2015 2:52:41 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 46,137
Neurons: 656,139
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
THAT was not the joke, AD. Try this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXWUSwu0r9Q
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2015 9:04:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Good one, JJ. :)
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, July 25, 2015 8:36:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
This is old but clever re American companies.
::
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW.

And finally...
9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: TittyTittyBangBang.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, July 26, 2015 7:25:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,590
Neurons: 248,054
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom


(I believe the film was called 'Robots' - in the 1980s sometime. Not a very successful film.)

Took me a few seconds to get the joke in "Poly, Warner Cracker" d'oh!
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, July 26, 2015 9:43:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Oh my, Dragon. Perfect. :) My husband and I just had a good chuckle. I can see why the film was not too successful.

I liked FedUP and Knott Now.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, July 28, 2015 2:18:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
"/>
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, July 28, 2015 4:37:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


[image not available]
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2015 1:40:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.




Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2015 1:56:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Applause



[image not available]
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, August 5, 2015 7:07:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Good one, Schlook. I don't have a good one right now. (That is appropriate for the Forum. Whistle )
tootsie
Posted: Saturday, August 22, 2015 6:28:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, August 22, 2015 7:54:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road? A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, August 25, 2015 1:50:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,726
Neurons: 1,532,234
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Whom is the most famous Chinese pornstar ?





Hung Down Lo

Hope123
Posted: Friday, August 28, 2015 8:28:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,264
Neurons: 58,581
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
Jaume
Posted: Saturday, August 29, 2015 6:11:48 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 8/29/2015
Posts: 46
Neurons: 218
two intimate friends were on an expedition;Yaro and Jojo. Yaro wanted to pass out(urinate) so he alerted jojo to wait for him. Yaro: pls wait i want to pass out.
Jojo:so what did that got to do with me. He asked with a frown face.
Yaro:pls dont leave me behind.
Jojo:i dont get you.or do you want to remove your short for you?
Yaro:afterall, we are friends.
Jojo:so i should wait
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