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Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, March 15, 2014 4:02:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Scribbled under the name board of our locsl coffee house called "Coorg Coffee Works":

'So does Brazilian'
ithink140
Posted: Saturday, March 15, 2014 9:16:50 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/4/2013
Posts: 2,453
Neurons: 17,922
A man was taken to court for attacking a nun with a vibrator, charged with aggravated battery
Luker4
Posted: Monday, March 17, 2014 2:13:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/19/2013
Posts: 4,235
Neurons: 24,493
Location: Wrocław Pracze, Lower Silesian Voivodeship, Poland


[image not available]
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Wednesday, May 7, 2014 12:18:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
I received a pamphlet with the daily newspaper which said
"Are you an alcoholic? Call us! We can help!"

I called the number and discovered that it was a liquor distributor. They were offering three bottles of the liquor of one's choice for the price of two.Dancing
Barely literate
Posted: Friday, May 9, 2014 8:55:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/29/2012
Posts: 2,920
Neurons: 19,621
It underlines that AD is an alcoholic. Whistle
Hope2
Posted: Friday, May 9, 2014 9:10:43 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Friday, May 9, 2014 2:14:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India

Q: What's the time you can't avoid the dentist?

A: Two thirty.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, May 10, 2014 1:31:50 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story.

P.S. Robot For Sale
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, May 10, 2014 2:16:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
End of Story.

P.S. Robot For Sale

Good one, Schlook!Applause

Hope2
Posted: Saturday, May 10, 2014 10:43:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Sunday, May 11, 2014 6:56:50 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Did you hear about the priest who swallowed his Rosary?
He had a good bead in him.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, June 2, 2014 11:03:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada



IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, June 10, 2014 7:24:10 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
What does a man regard as a seven-course menu?
A bratwurst and a six-pack of beer.


Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, June 10, 2014 12:44:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Thursday, June 26, 2014 6:37:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, June 27, 2014 6:36:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
I have a short term memory,I also have a short term memory.
sarahjones83
Posted: Tuesday, July 8, 2014 1:41:36 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 7/3/2014
Posts: 14
Neurons: 71
What is different footballer and a pedestrian?
At a red light pedestrian stands, but the footballer goes away.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, July 11, 2014 6:14:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?


Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, July 14, 2014 11:37:23 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
(reminded by Schlook's ninja joke above)
Did you see the elephant hiding behind the coconut tree?

No.


Hid pretty well didn't he?
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, January 14, 2015 5:10:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

I wasn't sure whether to add this to the "Book Titles" game, or this one . . .

Tovarish
Posted: Wednesday, January 14, 2015 5:38:02 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/2/2009
Posts: 11,101
Neurons: 39,933
Location: Booligal, New South Wales, Australia
I dont understand Drago, can you please translate for me?
pedro
Posted: Wednesday, January 14, 2015 5:52:33 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/21/2009
Posts: 13,057
Neurons: 63,022
He's reading about the theory of gravity (despite my fading eyesight).
anton exobio
Posted: Wednesday, January 14, 2015 6:43:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,276
Neurons: 64,148
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Galad
Posted: Wednesday, January 14, 2015 2:33:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States


[image not available]
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, January 23, 2015 8:40:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
She says: "Dear... my gynaecologist says no sex for a week, OK?"
He says: "Fine with me, if you agree to get a second opinion from your dentist"
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Saturday, April 11, 2015 8:17:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an Angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat, the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy
the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified- she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
tootsie
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2015 10:41:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



frosty rime
Posted: Saturday, April 18, 2015 7:32:04 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/4/2012
Posts: 1,446
Neurons: 13,151
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
DarkMoon
Posted: Sunday, April 19, 2015 3:47:26 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/22/2009
Posts: 16,657
Neurons: 46,684
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 83 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie suggested that 2 people over 80 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

Roops
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2015 4:06:32 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2013
Posts: 3,972
Neurons: 64,489
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Sorry, Darkmoon. I know how embarrassing it is to ask someone to explain the jokes. Since My English is not good enough, I didn't completely understand the above joke. I didn't get the last 2 paras. Can you explain?
tootsie
Posted: Thursday, April 30, 2015 8:56:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
Roops wrote:
Sorry, Darkmoon. I know how embarrassing it is to ask someone to explain the jokes. Since My English is not good enough, I didn't completely understand the above joke. I didn't get the last 2 paras. Can you explain?



does this help?

Ding Dong Bell - v - Ice Cream Truck Jingle

Tx
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, April 30, 2015 8:32:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, May 6, 2015 2:55:38 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Sign in a shoe shop: 'Buy One Get One Free'.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, May 6, 2015 2:58:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q. What is the range of a set of bagpipes?
A. About 30 metres if you have a strong arm.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2015 6:40:05 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
What does the sadist say to the masochist?


























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