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Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Thursday, August 15, 2013 4:24:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Teacher:"...And who can make a sentence with the words'kith' and 'kin', so we know they're close but different?"

Li'l Joe: "Excuse me Ma'm, but lasnight when my sis Rita and her boyfriend were on the sofa, he assed her whether he could kith her, and she said, sure, he kin"
excaelis
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2013 8:00:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
So, I guess I must have dozed while driving home the other night. I opened my eyes and to my horror saw a tree right ahead. I swerved right , and there was another one ! So I swerved left - yet another ! Damn, I thought, I must have driven right off the road into a forest ! I'm going to die !




Stupid air freshener...
Hope2
Posted: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 5:59:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Office Humor - After I drink coffee, I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to show him I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Kerry.P
Posted: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 8:44:41 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,657
Neurons: 13,143
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Applause Applause Applause

Thank you Hope. (It amuses me no end that he hates you.) Dancing Dancing Dancing
Hope2
Posted: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 9:01:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
KerryP wrote:
Applause Applause Applause

Thank you Hope. (It amuses me no end that he hates you.) Dancing Dancing Dancing


So what else is new? It amuses me too, KerryP.

The joke came from ECS Coffee Inc.
Kerry.P
Posted: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 9:45:44 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,657
Neurons: 13,143
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Hope2 wrote:

So what else is new? It amuses me too, KerryP.

The joke came from ECS Coffee Inc.


Now I'm disappointed; I was picturing you doing it. Boo hoo!
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2013 3:39:27 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Knock, knock -
Who's there?
Interupting cow -
Interup - MOO!
Inter - MOO!
Maryam Dad
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2013 10:04:05 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2013
Posts: 679
Neurons: 3,441
Heaven is where :
The police are British,
The chef Italian,
The mechanics German,
The lovers French,
and it's all organised by Swiss.

Hell is where:
The police are German,
the chef British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it's all organised by Italian.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2013 1:41:59 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom


I would have you know I'm a great cook.

I rarely burn the boiled eggs!Whistle
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Monday, November 25, 2013 12:55:05 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Monday, November 25, 2013 12:56:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, December 6, 2013 3:12:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to to. The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...."
excaelis
Posted: Friday, December 6, 2013 11:30:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
So, this penguin's driving to work and his car quits on him. Of course he calls AAA ( think about it ). As he's waiting an ice cream truck drives by- sure, I'll take an ice cream to while away the time 'til the AAA truck shows up, he thinks. So he's eating the ice cream and the AAA truck arrives. The mechanic opens the hood, pokes around for a while and announces " You've blown a seal." The penguin says " No, honest, it's ice cream !"
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2013 7:07:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2013 7:10:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels". He said, "You've got cholera".
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2013 1:10:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

I went to the doctor and said: "It hurts when I laugh.", he said: "Don't laugh.", "Next!"
excaelis
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2013 2:05:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
A little polar bear asks his dad " What kind of bear am I, dad ?". His father replies " You're a polar bear, son, why do you ask ?". " 'Cos I'm bloody freezing !"
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2013 2:16:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 43,129
Neurons: 587,985
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
A guy entered a bar with a frog sitting on his shoulder.
The bartender: "What is that?"
The frog: "Not sure, butt it began as haemorrhoids."
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, December 12, 2013 4:48:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
My girl friend is a light eater. When it gets light she starts eating.
Hope2
Posted: Friday, February 14, 2014 6:41:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion - Eat and drink what you want. It is speaking English that kills you!
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, February 14, 2014 9:07:03 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Applause Applause Dancing
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Wednesday, February 19, 2014 3:08:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:
"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The Survey was a huge FAILURE!
The Reasons:
In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...
In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant ...
Hope2
Posted: Wednesday, February 19, 2014 5:02:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Applause Applause Applause
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Thursday, February 20, 2014 4:59:40 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 43,129
Neurons: 587,985
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland


[image not available]

Doce
Posted: Friday, February 21, 2014 1:46:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/7/2014
Posts: 2,036
Neurons: 26,950
Location: Vaslui, Vaslui, Romania
Hope2 wrote:
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion - Eat and drink what you want. It is speaking English that kills you!


Should we learn Japanese, then? Does Korean count?
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, February 21, 2014 3:00:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
If you can't beat 'em...
what's the point of teaching?
Hope2
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2014 3:32:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,907
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada


[image not available]
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Sunday, March 2, 2014 5:15:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Secretary - "There's an invisible man at the door for you".
Boss, "Tell him I can't see him".
Barely literate
Posted: Saturday, March 8, 2014 11:41:04 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/29/2012
Posts: 2,920
Neurons: 19,621
Having seen his friend walking a dog, Tom asked "Where are you up to taking this donkey?"
Friend "Are you blind! It's a dog! Not a donkey!"
Tom: "Sorry, I've asked the question to the dog!"
Barely literate
Posted: Saturday, March 8, 2014 11:49:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/29/2012
Posts: 2,920
Neurons: 19,621
Having seen a man walking his dog, one of my neighbours once passed a comment like this....

"Wonderful! I haven't ever thought a chain can be useful to leash two animals at a time."
reinsalkas
Posted: Monday, March 10, 2014 3:12:21 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/27/2012
Posts: 261
Neurons: 11,720
Location: Rafaela, Santa Fe, Argentina
My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,


he's a catholic converter.


It's very good!! Brick wall Dancing
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2014 4:15:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
From a naive age...

Jimbo: My Dad's a doctor, so I can be sick for nothing!

Timbo: Well my Daddy is a priest, so I guess I can be good for nothing
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2014 4:15:33 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
From a naive age...

Jimbo: My Dad's a doctor, so I can be sick for nothing!

Timbo: Well my Daddy is a priest, so I guess I can be good for nothing
IMcRout
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2014 6:59:23 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Applause

What about Bimbo, the lawyer's kid? Whistle
ithink140
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2014 8:04:27 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/4/2013
Posts: 2,453
Neurons: 17,922
Two gobs on the pavement, one says to the other in a wistful voice: 'This is where I was brought up'
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