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tootsie
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2011 4:42:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
Quote:
As you know, I am interested in semantics. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...




GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next!"




I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.





Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Monday, October 17, 2011 4:51:51 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,722
Neurons: 8,472
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

*bending the rule a bit* - video

OK, for me this is the Joke of the Day! (Even though I don't understand Jap)



CLICK HERE!



[image not available]





nowherenothere
Posted: Sunday, October 23, 2011 9:03:38 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/15/2011
Posts: 774
Neurons: 2,096
Location: Earth
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

'They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?''

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Joe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said 'Put the bloody beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered.'

reference: The Lady, Her Priest and Their Parrots
tootsie
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 7:39:24 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
[quote=nowherenothere]Applause Applause Applause



[image not available]


pedro
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 8:03:01 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/21/2009
Posts: 13,057
Neurons: 63,022
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs.
tootsie
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 8:13:51 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
pedro wrote:
Applause Applause Applause



[image not available]


two really good chuckles which I have shared with workmates. pedro, I still have tears in my eyes, brilliant !!!

Dancing Dancing Dancing

boneyfriend
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 11:59:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/3/2009
Posts: 2,625
Neurons: 10,546
Location: Columbia, South Carolina, United States
I agree: very funny. I also laughed out loud over the one about guts and balls.
nowherenothere
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 12:54:25 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/15/2011
Posts: 774
Neurons: 2,096
Location: Earth

The Stewardess, The Cowboy and the Minister

A humble Cowboy and a pious Minister board an airplane flying from central Montana to New York City. As the plane levels off the Stewardess walks down the aisle offering refreshments. The Cowboy, in his deep husky drawl, orders a Jack Daniels and Water. The Stewardess asks the pious Minister, '...and you sir, care for a beverage?' The Minister glares at her in disgust and indignantly states, 'As GOD is my witness, I would rather be gang raped by FIFTY BRAZEN WHORES than ever let alcohol pass these lips!' To wit, the Cowboy frowns, looks down at his drink, looks back up at the Stewardess, hands his drink back to her, and says, 'Awwww shucks, me too, I didn't know we had a choice...'
RubyMoon
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 3:08:59 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2009
Posts: 1,663
Neurons: 4,834
Location: United States
(I know this is well-known, but a fav of mine)

OUI!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy7ERPaE78c
nowherenothere
Posted: Monday, October 24, 2011 3:19:07 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/15/2011
Posts: 774
Neurons: 2,096
Location: Earth
RubyMoon wrote:
(I know this is well-known, but a fav of mine)
OUI!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy7ERPaE78c


So much for parental discretion and pre-emptive actionn(or lack thereof as the case may be).

GabhSigenod
Posted: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 8:58:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2010
Posts: 2,371
Neurons: 149,736
Location: Mulroog, Connaught, Ireland
All Hallows’ Eve joke:
-
Witches never ride their brooms while angry, in fear of flying off the handle!!!
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 10:19:59 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 14,069
Neurons: 67,008
An old cowboy is sitting at a bar having a beer, when a woman sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He says, "Well, I ride a horse most all day, fixing fence, checking on cattle, watching out for predators, and evaluating the pasture grass, so, yeah, I reckon I'm a real cowboy. How about you?"

"Oh," she says, "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking about women; the way they look, the way they feel, their scent, their curves." She sighs deeply and finishes with, "I just love everything about them."

Soon she leaves and is replaced by an elderly couple. After a little time, they turn to to the cowboy and ask, "Pardon us, but are you a real cowboy?"

"I thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
IMcRout
Posted: Saturday, November 5, 2011 9:55:18 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Read it somewhere and felt the need to pass it on:

The Agony of Hearing Loss
After Daylight Savings Time ended last year I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.
He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
GabhSigenod
Posted: Saturday, November 5, 2011 10:52:12 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2010
Posts: 2,371
Neurons: 149,736
Location: Mulroog, Connaught, Ireland
THE NIGHT OF THE WINKIE
-GS


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It immediately disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call the hospital?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
("You see a pattern here with the females in my house?")

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

So we all drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Hazard, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . .Masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just .. Just . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... Its .... Teeny little..." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our family back into the car. My son was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


RubyMoon
Posted: Saturday, November 5, 2011 1:05:09 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2009
Posts: 1,663
Neurons: 4,834
Location: United States
Gabhs-- still reading your post... in the meantime--

IMc: LOL! and how timely! Tic Toc The Imagination Company.

Coors!
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Sunday, November 6, 2011 9:34:16 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,722
Neurons: 8,472
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

Hahaha, thanks for the good laugh, guys! (good way)

Gabh, that's funny. It's like I'm watching a movie in my mind while reading your story. *high five to your wife!* Que horreur, I hope the poor creature's OK

[image not available]

GabhSigenod
Posted: Monday, November 14, 2011 7:55:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2010
Posts: 2,371
Neurons: 149,736
Location: Mulroog, Connaught, Ireland
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

-Rodney Dangerfield

tootsie
Posted: Monday, December 5, 2011 8:33:43 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730

Where does virgin wool come from?


The sheep that runs the fastest


FounDit
Posted: Monday, December 5, 2011 8:58:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 14,069
Neurons: 67,008
We were so poor when I was a kid, that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield
tootsie
Posted: Monday, January 9, 2012 6:14:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.




[image not available]
tootsie
Posted: Saturday, February 4, 2012 11:27:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
a friend just emailed me this, had to share it......


THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE



1. To Grow Up


2. To Fill Out


3. To Slim Down


4. To Hold It In


AND




5. To Hell with it

Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, March 26, 2012 9:35:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days".
IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, May 15, 2012 11:09:56 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,380
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
This is the joke I intended to contribute today:

A German at the border to Greece.
Passport control.
Border control is asking a few questions.
'Name?'
German gives his name
'Occupation?'
German: 'No, just visiting.'


Can you imagine my devastation when I noticed that AD had sent in
an almost identical joke already (BTW, I like the Angela Merkel version.)

Of course I shall withdraw this post ...

... as soon as possible

... in due time

... if I find the time

... when I can find the 'cancel' button

... as soon as we've withdrawn from Greece

Please check the appropriate option.

Thank you.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Monday, June 11, 2012 5:57:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 43,129
Neurons: 588,057
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant or hotel names withheld!)


Shrimp and crap salad for two.

Grilled pork shop.

You can have crap on your pizza.

Tepid chicken salad with bread.

We give you water only when you ask.

Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.

The cock is recommending today's beef.

We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.

The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.

Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.

Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.

Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.

Try traditional Finnish pee soup.

We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.

Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.

This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.

Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.

Blini served with cream and not real caviar.

Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.

Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.

Meat with sweat and sour sauce.

Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream.

Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, June 11, 2012 6:20:23 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Hmmm
Quite a lot of crap there, huh, JJ?Eh?
Kikker
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2012 4:56:34 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2012 4:20:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 43,129
Neurons: 588,057
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shit!"
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, June 15, 2012 11:57:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Three Glasgow men, all Street Traders, took the day off and went to Ediburgh. Walking along a street in Scotland's rather sophisticated Capital they spied a notice in a shop window:

Jackets - £8.00
Trousers- £5.00.

They got really excited about this and the most savvy of them said, "Right boys, we'll go in here and buy a load of the stuff and sell them back in Glasgow. We'll make a fortune!" He thought for a minute then added, "Youse (the plural of 'you' in Glasgow)don't say nothing, for if this Edinburgh geezer suspects we're from Glasgow he might no sell us the stuff".
So they went into the shop and the leader, in his best English, said, "Hullo, we'll have 100 jackets and 100 pairs of trousers, please".
The Edinburgh man looked at them for a moment,then asked, "Are you boys from Glasgow?"
Exasperated, they demanded to know how he could tell.
"Because this is a Dry Cleaners", was the reply.
Aid-e
Posted: Friday, June 15, 2012 1:02:37 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/29/2011
Posts: 563
Neurons: 1,797
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, July 7, 2012 5:57:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
a higgs-boson particle was entering the church; the alarmed priest yelled from the pulpit: " STOP! You heretics are not allowed in here!"
the h-b-p turned around, smirked and said, " fine! let's see how they have mass without me..."
Klaas V
Posted: Wednesday, July 11, 2012 8:34:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
In China town there is a dry cleaner called 'Olaf Gustafson'. Curious Paddy enters and asks the Asian owner: "How this place got its odd name?". Answer: "At Ellis Island my grandfather's father was in line after a tall guy from Sweden; they asked his name. He said: 'Da Sam'". '
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Thursday, July 12, 2012 7:11:38 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,722
Neurons: 8,472
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said,

"Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."

The robber answered, "Don't change the subject!"
Klaas V
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2012 5:43:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
In a meeting one of the middle class managers (M) said: "Erection!". Senior manager (S): "Excuse you me, please, you mean 'Correction' perhaps?". M: "No, I disagree to stand corrected if you don't mind. Stop acting so soft. The only way to succeed in this hard business world is up and go for it!"
Klaas V
Posted: Monday, July 1, 2013 4:32:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
This tweet https://twitter.com/wordspy/status/350233871490613249 reminds ne of this joke:

Two three-year-olds are walking to kindergarten. One of them tells the other: "Yesterday I found a condom near the junction". His classmate: "WTF is a junction?".
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, July 2, 2013 3:30:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,031
Neurons: 605,462
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Pat: "Hay, Mick, is this your pen?"
Mick: "Don't know. Give it here". (writes something). "Yes, its mine".
Pat: "How do your know?"
Mick: "It's my handwriting".
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