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kamalraj
Posted: Monday, September 20, 2010 7:26:21 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, September 20, 2010 10:36:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,967
Neurons: 101,926
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
kamalraj wrote:
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"


LOL good one Kamal
kamalraj
Posted: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 2:08:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
Thanks AD....

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
kamalraj
Posted: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 1:05:04 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
kamalraj
Posted: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 2:03:50 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Galad
Posted: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 8:13:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States
A friend of mine just started his own business.

He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats.

He says prophets are going through the roof.




TOOTS
Posted: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 9:41:25 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/7/2010
Posts: 1,369
Neurons: 4,026
Location: United Kingdom
Applause Applause
LMAO Galad, brilliant !!!
memphis jailer
Posted: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:31:38 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
a little old man walks into victoria secret and is approached by a woman and asks if he needs help .... he says "i'm looking for something frilly" .... the lady goes to the back and brings back 3 items .... she says "sir, this item is decent and frilly this item is $65" ....the old man complained and said "dammit woman gimme frilly" ... the lady said "sir, this item is pretty frilly, but this item is $90" ... the old man again complained "dammit woman i said frilly gimme frilly!" .... the lady brought out the third item and said "sir, this is our most frilly item we have, this item is $150" ... the old man finally said "wrap it up, i'll take it" .... later on that night the little old man and his wife (little old woman) were on the couch watching tv while eating a tv dinner .... after they get through eating the little old man says "honey i picked something up for you today, why don't you go upstairs, check it out and try it on for me" .... the little old lady rushes to the bottom of the steps thinking "ooooh wee, i'm fidnta get me some" she runs upstairs and into the room and sees the present on the bed, opens the gift, holds it up, and says "well damn, i can see right through that damn thing ... that old coots eyes are so bad i bet he couldn't tell if i had it on ... well i'm just gonna put this back in the box and see if he can tell if i have it on or not" .... she goes to the top of the staircase and says "come get it big boy" ... the little old man rushes to the bottom of the stairs, looks up, and says "aww hell!" ... the old woman asks "what hon? you don't like it?" ... the old man says "i like it, but you'd think for a hundred and fifty dollars they'd at least iron the damn thing!"
memphis jailer
Posted: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:37:21 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
a white guy, a black guy, and a dumb polack are walking in the middle of the desert and after hours of seeing nothing they see a lamp .... they pick the lamp up, rub it, and a genie pops out ... the genie says "i'll grant you 3 wishes, 1 a piece" .... the white guy says "man i miss my family, i just wish i was home" the genie snaps his fingers and the white guy is gone .... the black guy said "man white boy got the ticket, i wish i was home too!" ... genie snaps his fingers and the black guy is gone ... the polack said "man it's getting a little lonely out here now, i wish my friends were here with me"
F.D.S.O.
Posted: Monday, January 24, 2011 5:17:21 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/9/2010
Posts: 64
Neurons: 188
Location: United States-West Memphis AR
An airplane is flying over the jungle the engine fails and the plane crashes only 4 men survive the local tribe captures the 4 men the take them to the elder the elder tells the men to go in the jungle and find him 10 fruits the men walk around the jungle looking for fruit the first man returns with apples the tribe elder tells the man we will let you go if you can put all 10 fruits up your but without making a sound the man takes a deep breath and tries but he screams in pain so they cut his head off the next man returns with bananas they tell him the same thing up your but without making a sound the man tries but he starts crying with pain so they cut his head off the third man returns with small berry’s and they tell him the same thing the man grits his teeth and gets 9 up working on ten the man falls out laughing so they cut his head off once he gets to heaven the other two guys ask him why would you laugh you had it, he said I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples.
Sorry it’s a little gross.
memphis jailer
Posted: Monday, January 24, 2011 5:39:22 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
3 bulls are talking in a pasture about the new bull that will be arriving that day .... the first bull said "i've been here for 3 years, and 30 of them cows out there are mine, and if that new bull comes in here and thinks i'ma share any of my herd, buddy he's got another thing comin'" ... the second bull said "well i've been here about a year and a half and, about 15 of them cows there are mine, and i'm with you, i ain't fidnta share either" ... the third bull said "well i ain't been here but about 8 months, and i only got 6 cows over there, i can't afford to share none" .... just then a big ole truck pulls up, whips around and points the back end of the trailer to the fence-line, they open the gate and let the back end of the trailer down letting out a big wooshing sound, and the biggest, baddest, most mean looking brahma bull comes running out of there, makes a couple of laps around snortin' and pounding the ground with his feet ... the three bulls get back to talking and the first bull says "well you know i was real mean in saying i wasn't gonna share anything with him, i got plenty of cows, i can lend him a few" ... the second bull says "yea, i agree with you, that was a bit mean of us just to say that, i'm gonna reconsider also, i think i can find him a couple of cows to share" .... the third bull runs out and bursts through the fence where the new bull is and starts snorting and stomping the ground with his feet and raising up a bunch of ruckus ... the first bull asks him "man what's wrong with you? man that bull will KILL you!" .... third bull says "i just want to make sure that he knows that I'M A BULL TOO!"

from jerry clower .... he is missed
utopsia
Posted: Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:16:22 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/22/2010
Posts: 126
Neurons: 234
Location: Germany
what is a cation afraid of?


... a dogion



sorryd'oh!
Galad
Posted: Monday, January 31, 2011 9:46:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring Anxious at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring Anxious every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid....

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
memphis jailer
Posted: Saturday, February 5, 2011 7:02:03 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
@ galad .... great one .... reminds me ....

2 guys are sitting at a bar and one guy says "bartender, gimme a shot of whisky" .... bartender pours one up and delivers it to the man .... guy knocks it back and says "you see that painting on the wall? i made that painting ... took me 2 months ... i took some lessons and then made the painting and then decided to make the frame ... frame has good detail ... but do they call me mcgregor the painter? ... nope ... bartender, gimme another shot of whisky" .... bartender pours it up and again guy gets it and knocks it back and says "you see that table? ... i made that table with my hands .... it took me 5 months to complete ... made of good solid oak ... has good detail on it ... and i even made the chairs ... many people have sat at that table with their friends and had good times ... but do they call me mcgregor the great table maker? ... nope ... bartender gimme another shot of whisky" bartender pours another up and they guy knocks it back ... "you see this bar? ... i made this bar with my bare hands ... it took me 9 months to complete it ... it's made with good solid oak ... has good detail ... thousands of people have stood at that bar done shots and had good times ... but do they call me mcgregor the barmaker? .... nope ... bartender, gimme another shot of whisky" ... bartender pours it and he knocks it back and says " ......... but you f^<# one goat ....."
TOOTS
Posted: Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:34:42 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/7/2010
Posts: 1,369
Neurons: 4,026
Location: United Kingdom
The old fisherman...



A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

memphis jailer
Posted: Saturday, February 19, 2011 8:07:10 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
a guy and his friend were on the golf course when just as he went to get a golf club out he heard "ribbit .. 9 iron" .... he paused looked around and saw a frog and again he heard "ribbit .. 9 iron" ... so he picked up the 9 iron and tried it .... to his astonishment he landed his first ever hole in one! ... he thought that the frog was was luck so he picked it up and finished the remainder of the game with the best score he's ever had thanks to the frog ... he decided he'd take a trip to vegas to see if the frog can steer him in the right direction to win some money .... walked up to the roulette table and the frog said "ribbit ... black 21" .... the guy laid down a $100 bill on black 21 .... and won! ... then the frog said "ribbit .. red 14" ... the guy laid down the winnings on red 14 and surprisingly enough it hit ... the guy thought to his-self that the luck might be running out for the day and he'd try it again in the morning ... so they went to a room at the casino and laid down ... the frog said "ribbit .. kiss me" .... the guy thought about it and said why not i shot my best game of golf and won a good bit of money ... so he kissed the frog and it turned into a beautiful 17 year old girl ....

"and your honor that's just how she got in my room" lol
chuckc4th
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 12:43:35 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/26/2009
Posts: 179
Neurons: 537
Location: United States
Did you hear the one about the unsharpened pencil?
No, what about it?
Never mind, it had no point.
Klaas V
Posted: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 9:46:41 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
A lady at Oudezijdsvoorburgwal in Amsterdam decided to do some promotion for tourits. Had tattoos of famous persons on her legs. Asking who they are and with the right answer give discount.




One customer said: I don't know only the one in the middle: It's Barack Obama.
Kikker
Posted: Friday, March 25, 2011 11:50:40 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761
Heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.
tootsie
Posted: Friday, March 25, 2011 7:14:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
se're all doomed, doomed I tell ya........(hehehe)
memphis jailer
Posted: Sunday, March 27, 2011 8:10:26 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
2 ole rednecks are out in a field planting rye grass for the deer to eat during the upcoming hunting season when one finds a huge hole
he calls him over and says "hey look at this"
the other redneck comes up and says "wow, that's a huge hole ... how deep do you think it is?"
first redneck says "man i have no idea, why don't we find something throw it down and see if we can hear it when it hits the bottom?"
so they find some rocks and throw them down there and neither one hears anything
the second redneck says "hey, i found an 8 foot piece of railroad track ... i bet if we threw that down there it would make a sound, you get one end and i'll get the other"
they picked it up threw it down the hole and about four seconds later a big red goat jumped in the hole
first redneck says "hey man did you see that?"
just then a guy comes up and asks them "hey have you seen my big red goat?"
the second redneck says "yea ... he just jumped in that hole"
the other guy says "well i don't know how he did that, i had him tied to an 8 foot piece of railroad track!"
Kikker
Posted: Thursday, March 31, 2011 1:49:00 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761


[image not available]
tootsie
Posted: Thursday, March 31, 2011 1:56:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730
release those men, there can NEVER be too many jokes
bluecloud
Posted: Thursday, March 31, 2011 2:44:07 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/14/2010
Posts: 361
Neurons: 25
Kikker wrote:
Heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.

Applause
Kikker
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 12:28:23 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761


[image not available]

"Who touch'd that blue button when I went to the toilet?!"

Kikker
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 3:29:23 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761


[image not available]

Woman: "I heard my husband is tormented on his job."
Boss: "What you want me to do about that?"
Woman: "You can put salt in his coffee, he really hates that."
Kikker
Posted: Friday, April 8, 2011 4:44:45 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761


[image not available]

Sign: "SWIMMING NOT ALLOWED"
Man in water: Help... I can't swim!
Policeman: Very good... otherwise you had a problem now.
Kikker
Posted: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 5:58:38 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761


[image not available]
Hannie
Posted: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 7:48:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2010
Posts: 76
Neurons: 224
Location: Ulaanbaatar, Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia
Kikker wrote:


[image not available]

They are pigs, funny!
jcarry
Posted: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 8:00:09 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/12/2011
Posts: 1
Neurons: 3
Location: usa
it is so nice
Kikker
Posted: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 8:02:18 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 621
Neurons: 1,761
Me dad izza Pig !
Me mam izza Pig !
But I.... I am a Pigture !!!




[image not available]
pedro
Posted: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 8:31:06 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/21/2009
Posts: 13,057
Neurons: 63,022
I had a classmate who looked like that
TOOTS
Posted: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 11:10:51 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/7/2010
Posts: 1,369
Neurons: 4,026
Location: United Kingdom
I wasn't quite sure where to post this so chose this one as it's quite amusing.....

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ..

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Franzel Marie
Posted: Thursday, April 28, 2011 7:32:11 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/13/2011
Posts: 10
Neurons: 9
Location: Philippines
Atiya wrote:
.....The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn`t."





nice 1 atiya... i like this.. lol!!....Applause
tootsie
Posted: Friday, September 2, 2011 7:37:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,883
Neurons: 23,730

Comedian Nick Helm won the award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe with:

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

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