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excaelis
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2010 1:05:12 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I beg of you all please, please don't quit your day jobs!!
kamalraj
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2010 1:14:22 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
What you mean here Excaelis....You not sharing any jokes for your today jobs...
Atiya
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2010 1:27:31 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 2,034
Neurons: 6,093
Location: India

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm
down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence,
then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


kamalraj
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2010 1:39:30 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Pocketmole
Posted: Friday, August 6, 2010 1:22:05 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2010
Posts: 174
Neurons: 555
Harriet was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind them were at least 200 women walking single file.

Harriet couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said “Sister, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a procession like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

Harriet asked, “What happened to him?”

The widow replied “My dog bit him and he died.”

Harriet inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The widow answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned and bit her and she died too.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

Finally, Harriet asked, “Could I borrow that dog?”

The widow replied, “Get in line.”





Atiya
Posted: Friday, August 6, 2010 2:48:01 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 2,034
Neurons: 6,093
Location: India
A boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."


excaelis
Posted: Friday, August 6, 2010 4:09:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
kamalraj wrote:
What you mean here Excaelis....You not sharing any jokes for your today jobs...


Mary's husband is dead, and as she is finalising the funeral arrangements the FD asks whether her husband had any last requests. " Just one.", replies the widow. " And might I ask what that was?", inquires the FD. " Certainly.", she replies, " He said 'For God's sake ,Mary, will you put that bloody gun down!'"

Paddy Murphy is killed at the Guinness brewery where he works, and his friend Sheamus is sent to inform his wife. "Mrs. Murphy,", he says, " There was a terrible tragedy at the brewery today, and I'm afraid Paddy was drowned in a vat of Guinness." "Oh Blessed Mother O' Jesus that's terrible!" she exclaims, " But still and all it was a quick end without any suffering I suppose." "Well", says Sheamus sheepishly, "It certainly would have been, Mrs. Murphy, if he hadn't got out twice to pee!". Whistle
Pocketmole
Posted: Friday, August 6, 2010 6:26:56 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2010
Posts: 174
Neurons: 555
A woman accompanied her ailing husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, l think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied

memphis jailer
Posted: Saturday, August 7, 2010 10:35:40 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
why don't blondes like to make kool-aid? ..... they can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

why was the blonde happy when she finished the puzzle in 4 months? ..... it said 2-4 years on the box
memphis jailer
Posted: Sunday, August 8, 2010 3:40:33 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 434
Neurons: 1,311
Location: United States
a guy walks in the front door of a bar slams his hand down on the counter and says "dammit bartender gimme a damn drink!" ... bartender says "you're drunk ... get out of my bar" ... guy walks out the front door and goes around the corner and walks through the side entrance and slams his hand on the counter and says "dammit bartender gimme a damn drink!" .... bartender says "you're drunk ... i'm not serving you" ... guy walks out the side entrance and goes around the corner and walks through the back door slams his hand on the counter and says "dammit bartender gimme a damn drink!" ... bartender says "i told you i'm not serving your drunk ass ... get out!" .... guy holds his head up and looks at the bartender and says "well damn .... how many bars you work at?"
kamalraj
Posted: Monday, August 9, 2010 1:10:11 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
Why was the lawyer studying the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!
Galad
Posted: Monday, August 9, 2010 9:46:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States
An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”
kamalraj
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 1:26:24 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."
Atiya
Posted: Monday, August 16, 2010 12:14:36 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 2,034
Neurons: 6,093
Location: India
A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'
You'll love the answer,folks......

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'

kamalraj
Posted: Monday, August 16, 2010 2:18:17 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Atiya
Posted: Wednesday, August 18, 2010 11:04:29 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 2,034
Neurons: 6,093
Location: India
This is why the chicken crossed the road ...

kamalraj
Posted: Thursday, August 19, 2010 1:13:39 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
kamalraj
Posted: Monday, August 23, 2010 3:20:55 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast- feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
kamalraj
Posted: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 5:52:13 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
kamalraj
Posted: Thursday, August 26, 2010 3:43:36 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo�. I have windows!"
money
Posted: Thursday, August 26, 2010 9:25:40 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/2/2010
Posts: 838
Neurons: 2,198
Location: Chile
kamalraj wrote:
A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo�. I have windows!"

Applause
Klaas V
Posted: Saturday, August 28, 2010 2:28:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
A priest is walking in the woods.

Suddenly he feels the need to pee.

He looks around, nobody there, so opens his pants and waters a tree.

On the same moment a bird sitting in that very tree drops something on his head.

The priest said: "Thank you Lord, that cows can't fly!"
Galad
Posted: Monday, August 30, 2010 7:46:02 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but, it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a great meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asked Nancy . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
kamalraj
Posted: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 4:43:34 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
Ellenrita
Posted: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 5:37:37 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/20/2010
Posts: 1,348
Neurons: 3,889
Location: CANADA - Toronto
O.J.'s grammer in the slammer: What comes after my sentence? An appeal!


Dinosaur Jokes

What do you call a dinosaur wearing tight shoes?
My-foot-is-saurus!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet!

What do you call a dinosaur with carrots in its ears?
Anything you want, it can't hear you!

What is the best way to talk to a dinosaur?
Long Distance!

Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
Any kind! A house can't jump!

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget?
Because no one ever tells them anything!

Groan/Groan/Groan!!!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur under your bed?
Find somewhere else to sleep!


Good night!
kamalraj
Posted: Thursday, September 2, 2010 1:08:17 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India

Ellenrita nice joke...You trying differently...Thats way i appreciating you...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba
Galad
Posted: Wednesday, September 8, 2010 2:42:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,582
Neurons: 10,532
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
+ The first worm in alcohol - Dead
+ The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
+ Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

+ Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
excaelis
Posted: Wednesday, September 8, 2010 9:32:49 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Hedgehogs - Why can't they just share the hedge?

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?





Fsh.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Friday, September 10, 2010 11:31:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,647
Neurons: 95,016
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Galad wrote:
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but, it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a great meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asked Nancy . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

LMAO! Wicked, wicked, Galad :))
kamalraj
Posted: Monday, September 13, 2010 2:06:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."
Klaas V
Posted: Monday, September 13, 2010 3:24:53 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
11 nuns entering a supermarket to buy a box of frozen sausages.
There are 12 in a box. Says one of them: "What to do with the 12th sausage?"

The oldest answers: "I'm pretty hungry, I'll fry it and eat it if y'all don't mind."
excaelis
Posted: Monday, September 13, 2010 10:23:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Little Tommy asks his Dad for a bike for Christmas. His Dad says " I'm sorry son, but we've got a $300 000 mortgage on the house to pay and we just can't afford it."Crestfallen, Tommy goes up to bed. The next morning his dad is surprised to see Tommy heading out of the front door with a suitcase. " Hey, son" he asks," Where are you going?" Tommy replies " Well, last night I heard you and mum talking. You said that you were ready to pull out and she said to wait 'cos she was coming too and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stay here with a $300 000 mortgage AND no freakin' bike !"
TYSON
Posted: Monday, September 13, 2010 10:29:29 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/7/2009
Posts: 1,258
Neurons: 3,793
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Paddy the irishman was looking for a parking space for his car. After driving around for hours, he looked up into the sky and pleaded;
"Lord, please help me find a parking space. If you do, I'll give up drinking for the rest of my life."
Suddenly a parking space presented itself to him.
"Dont worry about it Lord, I found one."
Klaas V
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 7:28:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/12/2010
Posts: 1,339
Neurons: 4,802
A rabbi, an imam and a priest try to find out who is the most important.

The priest: "I'll win. You guys stay hidden on hearing distance".

He rings a doorbell in the Amsterdam Red light district.


Opens the lady screaming:
"Oh my God! You again!!"
kamalraj
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 7:39:53 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/23/2009
Posts: 2,144
Neurons: 6,081
Location: India
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said, "what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said "if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
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