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Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 20, 2021 8:20:22 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What did one candle say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
"With you I have found my perfect match.”

What did the candle say to the match?
“You light up my life.”

How did one candle ask the other candle for a date?
“If you aren’t busy tonight, we could go out together.”
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, July 20, 2021 1:50:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,991
Neurons: 16,816
There are two blondes and a brunette

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each.
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski." With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/tag/blonde-jokes/
morela
Posted: Tuesday, July 20, 2021 3:01:36 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 7/20/2021
Posts: 3
Neurons: 15
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

What do you mean today's our anniversary?
The new girl in my office is a stripper,I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
You're so sexy when you're hungover.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
Can we not talk to each other tonight?
I'm tired of cuddling. !
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I'd rather just watch TV.
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
I'm wrong. You must be right again.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 21, 2021 4:27:56 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 7:32:05 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,991
Neurons: 16,816
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 8:03:40 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
Because it was overbooked.
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2021 8:05:00 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.
Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 7:33:52 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
It lost its contacts.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 8:12:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 22,328
Neurons: 72,947
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Robert Kane wrote:
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
It lost its contacts.


:D ^

https://youtu.be/bXvTk-N0HKo
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 9:39:30 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
“Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there?”
Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 11:47:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,579
Neurons: 247,717
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 6:29:45 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom’s over there.”

A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.

“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container.
“But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 9:06:16 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess” he says.
“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t” says the poodle.
“I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2021 9:49:51 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Baseball statistics are like a voluptuous woman in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. —Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2021 9:57:04 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players?
How often do you see a baseball team get penalized for having too many men on the field? —Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 27, 2021 7:53:30 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin!
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 27, 2021 7:56:23 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What do you call a dumb skeleton?
A bonehead.
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 27, 2021 8:00:48 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 27, 2021 4:43:10 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
How do you know when the moon is broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 27, 2021 9:15:01 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Which is closer, Florida or the moon?
The moon.
You can’t see Florida from here, lol.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2021 7:39:49 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe that one of her students isn’t excited about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s not a good reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2021 7:49:05 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2021 7:59:21 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
How did the two dead brothers do in school?
They were dead even.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2021 4:32:03 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What do you call a kid who refuses to believe in Santa?
A rebel without a clause.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2021 4:35:22 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, July 29, 2021 9:23:18 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
I have hundreds of wheels, but I do not move.
What am I?
A parking garage.
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, August 3, 2021 8:47:54 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Our fourth-grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help.
I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in.
“I could,” he said, “but I’d prefer not to.”
Spotting a teaching moment, my husband asked Noah, “What would Jesus do?”
Noah answered, “Jesus would heal him so he could carry his own cupcakes.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, August 4, 2021 9:17:52 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2021 11:58:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,991
Neurons: 16,816
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!!" She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.
Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.
She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/tag/blonde-jokes/
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2021 8:50:40 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, August 6, 2021 5:54:23 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Different pick-up lines:

“I hope our love will be like the number Pi: irrational and endless!”
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, August 7, 2021 7:57:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,253
Neurons: 58,504
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, August 7, 2021 8:29:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,609
Neurons: 1,530,157
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, August 7, 2021 9:13:19 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her.
Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”
“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly.
“But that would ruin his credit.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, August 8, 2021 9:20:17 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
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