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Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, June 20, 2021 7:19:26 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water.
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.
The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, June 21, 2021 7:36:12 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, June 22, 2021 8:45:23 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, June 23, 2021 7:36:54 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a $10 bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys looked at each other, then gave the $10 bill to the teacher.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Wednesday, June 23, 2021 10:33:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,991
Neurons: 16,816
A blonde walks into the library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/tag/blonde-jokes/
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, June 24, 2021 8:17:27 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, June 25, 2021 7:58:08 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Computer Problem Report Form


Describe your problem:

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:

A. Minor

B. Minor

C. Minor

D. Trivial

Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up

B. Frozen

C. Hung

D. Shot

Is your computer plugged in? Yes No

Is it turned on? Yes No

Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No

Have you made it worse? Yes

Have you read the manual? Yes No

Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No

Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

Do you think you understood it? Yes No

If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

How tall are you? Are you above this line?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No

How does this problem make you feel?

Tell me about your childhood

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No

Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes

Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, June 26, 2021 8:34:21 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Three little boys went to talk to their grandfather.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?” Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom keeps saying she wishes you would croak already, so we could afford to get a new house and a new car!"
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, June 27, 2021 7:37:26 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on his bicycle, he asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the preacher thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me preach about how to get to heaven.” “Now why would I wanna do that?” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, June 28, 2021 8:13:48 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
FounDit
Posted: Monday, June 28, 2021 2:44:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 16,479
Neurons: 79,131
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, June 29, 2021 9:42:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 10,253
Neurons: 58,504
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, June 29, 2021 7:46:36 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, June 30, 2021 10:37:28 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, bursting with pride, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”

“Yes, I know. That’s really quite remarkable,” says the second owner.

“Wait a minute. What do you mean, you know?” the first owner asks, quite puzzled.

“Oh well. After my dog gets done cooking us both breakfast,” replies the second owner, “We sit down together at the table. He’s a fast eater, so after he’s done with his breakfast, he reads me the newspaper and then tells me what all the other dogs on our block have been up to.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, July 1, 2021 4:55:45 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself.

“I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, July 2, 2021 7:40:52 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.


What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
He lost his case.


Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
It's too high a price 'toupee.'
Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, July 3, 2021 9:19:57 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Funny Quotes:

“Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.” - Steve Martin

“We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.” - Paula Poundstone

“If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?” - Jon Stewart
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 4, 2021 8:48:11 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
How are a cat and a sentence different?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!




What did the duck say to the checkout clerk when buying some chapstick?

“Just put it on my bill.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, July 5, 2021 10:09:51 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?
A map.



What is seen in the middle of March and April that can’t be seen at the beginning or end of either month?
The letter “r.”


Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 6, 2021 7:45:55 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 7, 2021 8:04:47 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Why don't cats like online shopping?
They prefer a cat-alogue.

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he’s always spotted.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, July 8, 2021 3:40:53 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.


What is the best way to cook a gator?
In a crock-pot.


Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, July 9, 2021 7:51:27 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.


How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.


Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
They had too many sleepless knights.
Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, July 10, 2021 8:17:18 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Punny Pick Up Lines:

If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.

Are you a magician? Because when I’m looking at you, you make everyone else disappear!

Did you just put out a fire? Because you look so hot!
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 11, 2021 3:55:22 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Customer Service Calls:

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”


Recording On An Australian Tax Help Line:

“If you understand English, press 1.
If you do not understand English, press 2.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, July 12, 2021 8:11:07 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
At a family reunion I was talking with my aunt Pearl, who thought that today’s youth were all self-centered with no manners.
I disagreed. I was in the middle of explaining that I thought it all had to do with parenting, when my 14 year old daughter came over and interrupted us. “Mom, aunt Pearl is so sweet! That beautiful diamond necklace she has on? She said she is leaving it to me in her will!”
I first reminded her that she should not interrupt people while they are talking.
Feeling touched by my aunt’s generosity I said, “Oh that is so nice of you aunt Pearl.”
Turning to my daughter I asked, “Now honey, what did you say to your dear great-aunt Pearl?”
“Wow, that is so cool aunt Pearl. When can I expect it?”
Robert Kane
Posted: Tuesday, July 13, 2021 7:29:17 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Dog Puns:


What did the dog in the hard hat say?
“My specialty is r.u.u.f.i.n.g.”

What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador.

My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back.
Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Robert Kane
Posted: Wednesday, July 14, 2021 7:25:21 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
More Riddles:

What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it?
"Short" (add "er").

I'm the size of an elephant, but I weigh nothing. What am I?
An elephant's shadow.

Why is an island like the letter T?
They're both in the middle of water.
Robert Kane
Posted: Thursday, July 15, 2021 4:19:18 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.
Robert Kane
Posted: Friday, July 16, 2021 7:42:35 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he or she fills out a job application form.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here’s how it works:
If you spend $49.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. - Jay Leno

Sign on entrance to a laundromat:
“Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.”
Robert Kane
Posted: Saturday, July 17, 2021 7:41:26 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says.
“A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, July 17, 2021 1:25:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 40,601
Neurons: 1,530,160
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Robert Kane
Posted: Sunday, July 18, 2021 1:55:10 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
"I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, July 18, 2021 2:55:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 45,910
Neurons: 654,810
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
I once tried this new wine diet.
Within a week I lost three days.
Robert Kane
Posted: Monday, July 19, 2021 7:18:56 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 3/26/2021
Posts: 215
Neurons: 128,207
Location: San Jose, California, United States
Can bees fly in the rain?
Not without their yellow jackets.
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