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FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Sunday, March 22, 2020 5:28:20 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2015
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anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, March 28, 2020 10:23:47 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,276
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Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Today, the Devil whispered in my ear: "You're not strong enough to withstand the storm..."

Then I whispered: "Six feet back, you moron."




Hope123
Posted: Monday, March 30, 2020 10:37:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Well at least some people haven't lost their sense of humour. Here are four of the 20 of these in an email from my friend this morning.





free image hosting website
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 8:05:29 AM

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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 8:33:33 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Roger Rabbit walks into a pub.
"The usual, please, Jim."
"Pint of mild and a cheese & ham toastie?"
"Yep"

He eats his toastie, drinks his beer and leaves.
Next night, same again.
"The usual, please, Jim."
"Pint of mild and a cheese & ham toastie?"
"Yep"

The next night . . .
"The usual, please, Jim."
"Pint of mild and a cheese & ham toastie?"
"Yep"
"Sorry, there was no ham and no white bread in the shops. Will cheese & onion toastie on wholemeal do?"
Roger grumbles.
"I'm not so fond of onions, but - go on then."
He eats his toastie, drinks his beer and leaves.

Next night, he doesn't appear. Jim thinks it's a bit strange, but doesn't worry too much.

Later, when everyone has gone and he's clearing up, Jim hears a strange noise, looks up and sees Roger's ghost.
"What happened?"
.
.
.
"Mixin' my toasties."
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Wednesday, April 15, 2020 3:50:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
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Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, April 15, 2020 9:48:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
Neurons: 53,372
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
There is a joke circulating in Germany:

"What borders on stupidity?"
"Mexico and Canada!"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Saturday, May 9, 2020 12:03:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Teacher: Why weren't you at school yesterday, Johnny?

Johnny: I had to take our cow to the neighbour's bull.

Teacher: Couldn't your father handle that?

Johnny: Probably, but he wouldn't be as good as the bull.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 3:17:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
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Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D ^^^

Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, May 12, 2020 10:11:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
Neurons: 53,372
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

where to post images

Mean. But funny.

Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 2:14:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

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Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, May 22, 2020 1:06:09 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
Neurons: 15,663
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2020 9:42:20 PM

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Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
This is a “groaner” for JJ if he still reads this.

Finland is closing its borders.

No one will be crossing the finish line.
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2020 9:43:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Now is not the time to surround yourself with positive people.
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2020 9:43:40 PM

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Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Because of the quarantine I'll only be telling inside jokes.
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2020 9:48:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs do not contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2020 9:55:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

Enjoy a few laughs - copied as is from an email.


I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ..
.
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is. 2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniorsonly. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

Enjoy your day. You don't have anything else to do. 


Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, May 31, 2020 4:03:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, June 2, 2020 1:31:09 PM

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Posts: 1,816
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, June 2, 2020 1:32:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
Neurons: 15,663

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, June 7, 2020 3:17:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

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Posts: 38,231
Neurons: 1,444,876
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, June 9, 2020 12:27:43 PM

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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, June 9, 2020 12:27:59 PM

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Posts: 1,816
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2020 3:39:57 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
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"How do you get a squirrel to like you?" "Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes?" "They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs." "They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose?" "Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter?" "Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?" "It was two tired."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?" "Because then it would be a foot."
"This graveyard looks overcrowded." "People must be dying to get in."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"What time did the man go to the dentist?" "Tooth hurt-y."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?" "Ten tickles."
"What concert costs just 45 cents?" "50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"How do you make a tissue dance?" "You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad?" "Because of all of its problems!"
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?" "Sneakers!"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, July 3, 2020 11:40:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
FROSTY X RIME wrote:
"I don't trust stairs." "They're always up to something."


Why can't you trust anyone on the stairs? - They're not on the level.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, July 6, 2020 1:45:25 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
Neurons: 15,663
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
FROSTY X RIME wrote:
"I don't trust stairs." "They're always up to something."


Why can't you trust anyone on the stairs? - They're not on the level.



⬆︎ Good one, Drag0!
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, July 6, 2020 1:56:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,816
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An elderly couple had dinner a
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and aftereating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we wentout to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommendit very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is thename of that flower you give to someone you love?You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards thekitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant wewent to last night?


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, July 6, 2020 1:57:43 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2015
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Darn flies...

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie.

"Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone."

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
Bedells
Posted: Tuesday, July 14, 2020 11:49:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 3,319
Neurons: 620,582
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, "I hate you guys," and pours two beers.
Hope123
Posted: Friday, July 24, 2020 1:44:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
Neurons: 53,372
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Talking about math:

Do the math BEFORE you look at the list. No cheating It will take you only about ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie. I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it is my very favorite movie...EVER! DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.


2. Multiply that number by 3.


3. Add 3.


4. Multiply by 3 again.


5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 Movies, below.


Movie List:


1. Gone With the Wind
2. ET.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Donald Trump Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Saturday, July 25, 2020 7:40:32 AM

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⬆️ Any choice of your number leads to 9.
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, July 25, 2020 10:49:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,336
Neurons: 53,372
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
FROSTY X RIME wrote:
⬆️ Any choice of your number leads to 9.


Yeah. That's the joke.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 12:17:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,218
Neurons: 225,084
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Not really "of the day" - this is a selection from a joke book written in Rome in the second or third century.

The governor of Sicily met an ordinary resident in the province who was his spitting image. The governor was amazed at the likeness, since his father had never been to the province. “But my father went to Rome,” the lookalike pointed out.

An astrologer cast a horoscope for a boy who was seriously ill. Then after the astrologer told the boy's mother her son would get well, he asked for his fee. She told him to come back the next day and she would pay him. But he said, "What if the boy dies during the night? I won't get paid."

Abderite meets a eunuch who is with a woman he assumes to be his wife.
When told that eunuchs don’t have wives, the Abderite says: 'Oh, it must be your daughter.’

A friend asked a student who was travelling overseas, "Could you please buy me two slaves, each 15 years old." He replied, "If I can't find what you want, I'll buy you one who is 30."

A student writing to his father from Athens, thoroughly proud of what he had learnt, added, "I hope I will find you charged in a capital case, so I can show you my skill as a lawyer."

anton exobio
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 4:12:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,276
Neurons: 64,148
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Great! ^
I love the first one especially ^^
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