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anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, September 28, 2019 11:57:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Units matter...



A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten", the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, October 3, 2019 3:26:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,558
Neurons: 1,453,333
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


[image not available]
anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, October 5, 2019 12:47:49 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, October 21, 2019 11:07:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,786
Neurons: 98,120
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
anton exobio wrote:
Units matter...



A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten", the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."



d'oh! Shhh Angel Angel Angel
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 12:43:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, November 10, 2019 3:04:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,558
Neurons: 1,453,333
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, November 12, 2019 9:56:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question
and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."






































































































FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 6:29:51 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "
I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office
and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
anton exobio
Posted: Sunday, November 24, 2019 12:16:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, November 25, 2019 1:31:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 38,558
Neurons: 1,453,333
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, November 25, 2019 12:25:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful,
so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said.
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.
"Write it down," she told him,
and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
"Write it down," she told her husband
and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment,
then looks at her husband and asks,
"Where's the toast?"
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, December 2, 2019 10:30:33 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2019 1:08:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2019 1:18:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples,
"Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
black alonso
Posted: Saturday, December 28, 2019 11:43:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 7,557
Neurons: 38,695
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany


[image not available]
anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, December 28, 2019 12:55:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
:D
anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, December 28, 2019 12:59:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Saturday, December 28, 2019 1:26:04 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,574
Neurons: 230,526
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
black alonso
Posted: Monday, December 30, 2019 10:59:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 7,557
Neurons: 38,695
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany


[image not available]
Whistle
anton exobio
Posted: Monday, December 30, 2019 11:50:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Tuesday, January 14, 2020 9:45:11 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461


FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Sunday, January 19, 2020 1:36:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
anton exobio
Posted: Sunday, January 19, 2020 4:08:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says: "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank goodness we are all right. This must be a sign that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says: "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. That is a sign that she should drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide whose fault it is."
Hope123
Posted: Monday, January 20, 2020 7:39:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, January 20, 2020 8:38:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,574
Neurons: 230,526
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hope123 wrote:
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”


Applause Applause Applause

Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, January 21, 2020 9:56:44 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Good pic, Drago.

Here are some more “Words of Wisdom”. Whistle

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Wednesday, January 22, 2020 12:42:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Wednesday, January 22, 2020 12:43:41 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
An Engineer And A Programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
anton exobio
Posted: Sunday, February 2, 2020 5:10:59 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 20,101
Neurons: 66,806
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
I saw a bloke running down the high street with a cape on.

"Are you a super-hero?", I shouted.

"No! I haven't paid for my haircut!", he shouted back.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, February 3, 2020 9:30:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable,
so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold,
and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Monday, February 3, 2020 9:31:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate.
He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?"
The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Thursday, February 27, 2020 12:36:55 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
-
The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
Hope123
Posted: Friday, March 20, 2020 10:21:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada




FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, March 20, 2020 10:30:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,935
Neurons: 16,461
Taxi Driver In Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Hope123
Posted: Saturday, March 21, 2020 12:40:59 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder!
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