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Kat
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 8:04:01 AM
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Joined: 5/19/2009
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Which parent did/do you relate to better?
Did/does it have anything to do with the gender?
For me it was definitely my Dad.

He was warm, funny, easy going, comfortable in his skin
and always ready for a good time. He never met a stranger.
My mother was almost the exact opposite, so
when he passed first, I was almost disappointed.

Both my mother and father instilled good things in me.
My dad led by example. My mom scared me into obedience.
Because I had a favorite parent, I assume everyone did/does.
Did you?



Christine
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 8:42:25 AM
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Yes, I love my Mother. When my dad started to molest me, he took my innocence. He had a temper. He messed up my mind, killed my original me.

Kat, I would love to have your Dad!
SunDevil
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 9:12:49 AM
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Location: United States
I loved my Dad the most. However, when my Mother died, I found out that I was her favorite child. Dad changed after Mother passed, but they were still great parents and I wouldn't trade them for any others.
MarySM
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 9:13:15 AM
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Joined: 11/22/2009
Posts: 1,627
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My Dad and Mom have both gone but I was close to both of them. Recently I started reviewing old VHS tapes of family reunions and I could see that my mother really was sick for a long time prior to passing and although she was there, she really was not well. Dad, on the other hand, was busy playing his guitar, harmonica (he used a holder and played both at the same time), and singing into the camera. Then he encouraged everyone to dance to the music he played, and we danced badly but with joy. I always joked that he made everything he played sound like a polka.

It is sad that so many people have bad memories of their departed parents. You are not alone in that Christine
26letters
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 9:32:32 AM
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Location: Your keyboard. (USA)
Neither.

In my heart I adopted a parent to fill the void I found myself in at any given time. But I'm fully aware of the fact that I missed out on something wonderful.
Susie
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 10:55:17 AM
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I thought -growing up- that my mother was my favorite. My father was an alcoholic, drug addict, homless a few times and never held a job after the age of 35- and that was by choice!! So my mother would tell us how bad he was and we believed her, due to his actions backing her words. But... as time went on and we grew up and became aware of the ture life we were living, my mother was the bad guy. She would be so mean to my father. She physically abused him, as well as verbally. She then would blame us kids, saying she did it for us so we could have a good life.
When I was in my early 20's, and a new mother myself, I then realized how much of a good-hearted, kind man he was. He had bad habits, and he never lied about them; but he was a good man and loved us kids no matter what!!
My dad was great, I miss him dearly.

Christine, that was brave of you to share with us. I'm sorry you had to endure that, I hope you have found some peace in you heart now.
Kat
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 11:39:55 AM
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Susie wrote:

Christine, that was brave of you to share with us. I'm sorry you had to endure that, I hope you have found some peace in you heart now.


My sentiments exactly.
Luftmarque
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 11:44:58 AM

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Neither, sadly. I would say my "real" parents were books (and TV).
oxymoron
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 1:59:43 PM
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Would loved to have known my dad, wasn't to be, he put himself out of his own torment when I was five (and yes, it stays with you the rest of your life, you always think, what if? ). My paternal grandfather was the embodiment of a loving man, he passed when I was eight. My mother, with whom I spent a great afternoon yesterday, is going great guns at 83,stoic, strong woman bought 4 kids up on her own, an incredible woman who I have honestly never heard cuss or speak ill of any person, truly someone to admire, love her to bits.
AnthA1G
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 3:06:35 PM

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Location: New York City, New York, United States
Susie wrote:
I thought -growing up- that my mother was my favorite. My father was an alcoholic, drug addict, homless a few times and never held a job after the age of 35- and that was by choice!! So my mother would tell us how bad he was and we believed her, due to his actions backing her words. But... as time went on and we grew up and became aware of the ture life we were living, my mother was the bad guy. She would be so mean to my father. She physically abused him, as well as verbally. She then would blame us kids, saying she did it for us so we could have a good life.
When I was in my early 20's, and a new mother myself, I then realized how much of a good-hearted, kind man he was. He had bad habits, and he never lied about them; but he was a good man and loved us kids no matter what!!
My dad was great, I miss him dearly.

Christine, that was brave of you to share with us. I'm sorry you had to endure that, I hope you have found some peace in you heart now.


You're two brave women, that's for sure.

My mother, in my opinion, has been a better parent. She's the one who's been inculcating me with lots of good things. I'm who I'm, in part, because of her. My father, in the other hand, has been a good parent but he is a complete jerk, I must admit. My father is a good man, but he doesn't know how to make his children walk the line; for him 'my mother is the one supposed to do it (make us walk the line), while he was bread-winning.
risadr
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 3:26:33 PM
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When I was growing up, I only saw my dad one day a week and every other weekend. I had a good, loving relationship with him, when I saw him, but it really wasn't enough. My mom was always my "favorite" parent, by default. I loved her and admired her so much that I don't have words to describe. She wasn't a perfect person, or a perfect mother, but she owned her mistakes and learned from them. She was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly before I turned 22 and I turned my life upside down to move back home and take care of her for the last six months of her life. I've never regretted that decision, and I've been glad that I was able to do it, because it was like giving back to her for everything that she had given to me.

In the past couple of years, my relationship with my dad has gotten much closer. He invited my family to come and live with him when I and my husband were unemployed and we lived with him for a year. Now I see him every other weekend, with my daughter.
RuthP
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 5:22:22 PM

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I cannot choose.

My mother was around more; stay-at-home mothers were almost universal. She was the one who met with teachers, celebrated our triumphs, baked for the sale. I remember canning and jelly-making (and eating "jelly bubbles"- the foam skimmed from the boiling fruit during reduction). And, she was the best-ever at kiddie arts and crafts.

When older, she was my adult for political and philosophical discussions and arguments. She started me in the League of Women Voters; I registered voters while still too young to vote. She supported my after-school and extra-curricular activities, and got me through college applications.

As an adult, she was my second-opinion. She listened to my complaints and triumphs. I always felt I had back-up while she was alive.

My father was a "workaholic," but he was always home for dinner and if you got up early enough, he was there in the morning, too. He didn't really know what to do with young kids, but by the time we were approximately school age, he would take us out for several hours each Sunday. We explored forests and creeks. We skipped rocks and found snakes and tadpoles and toads.

In high school, I joined his college classes on field trips and was given responsibility for gathering specimens for him to use on his exams. I never doubted that I was just as important and just as capable as any boy and much of that had to do with his attitude.

They both raised us to be adults and think for ourselves. I lost them both far too young, to smoking-related causes. They would be in their 90s now, had they survived.
Investigator
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 5:30:23 PM
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The last time I saw my father was on my 6th birthday. He gave me a stuffed toy that I carried with me for a couple of years. He never tried to contact me and I never tried to keep in touch with him so when he passed it really didn't matter.
MarySM
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 5:58:06 PM
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Joined: 11/22/2009
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Christine I think your original you is alive and well on this forum. I look for your posts as I enjoy them. They are always succinct, clear, and direct.
boneyfriend
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 6:51:44 PM

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Location: Columbia, South Carolina, United States
I adored my mother. My heart is not big enough to hold the adoration I have for my mother. When I was a little girl, I felt she favored my big sister so I tried hard to be Daddy's little girl. I was pretty successful at that. But things change over time.
As a teenager I began despising my father. He treated me inappropriately. And I avoided him at all costs. These strong feelings stayed with me for years but I have resolved them now.
They are both dead now. Mother died 10 years before Daddy. I miss them both terribly. It surprises me that I miss Daddy as much as Mother. Daddy could be such a pain and he could be mean. Mother didn't know how to be mean. She was the sweetest human being that ever walked. And I knew that she loved me as much as I loved her.
I was lucky to have them. They spoiled me rotten.
I only have one child. But this thread makes me think that people must favor one child over another.
bandllee
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 7:30:13 PM
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Joined: 2/4/2010
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Location: United States
I love both of my parents dearly. My dad died some years ago and left me with some wonderful memories. He was not a perfect parent (but who is?)I'm proud of my mom and dad - we were very, very poor (we lived in a veteran's public housing complex), yet my four siblings and I graduated from a small private Catholic school and all attended college: three earned masters degrees and two earned their bachelors. Now, I spend one day a week with my mother; she's hilarious. Wherever we go, people remember the feisty, funny old lady. We have a great time together. I'm fortunate that she is relatively healthy - both physically and mentally. I hope my children will feel that my husband and I did the best we could in parenting, and overlook any negative parenting skills we possessed(hopefully they'll learn from our mistakes.) God bless everyone and Happy Easter!
AnthA1G
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 8:06:28 PM

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Investigator wrote:
The last time I saw my father was on my 6th birthday. He gave me a stuffed toy that I carried with me for a couple of years. He never tried to contact me and I never tried to keep in touch with him so when he passed it really didn't matter.


Now that you mention that, I forgot to say in my last post that my biological father never was there for me. He technically abandoned me when I was 1 year old. For the last 20 years of my life I've lived with my stepfather. My stepfather is the one who raised me so that makes him my REAL father (the jerk).

My eyes got watery after reading your posts.
Romany
Posted: Friday, April 2, 2010 10:47:12 PM
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Boneyfriend - you said that this thread made you think people must favour one kid over another? No, no, no, no.

Surely some people do, I expect. But please don't get the idea that its inevitable. Being an only child I thought that too and went through a miserable (unplanned) second pregnancy and birth process completely convinced that I would never have enough love inside me left over from Number One son to give to Number Two.

But thank all the gods I soon found out this was a load of old cobblers. Both my boys are completely different individuals and I found I had limitless capacity for love. I could NEVER favour one over the other (though their father used to, which broke my heart).

The best thing of all is that both of them are fully aware of how much they are loved and, of all the problems they have had in their lives to date, thinking that they were not loved equally and heart-stoppingly has never been one of them. Through all we have been through together,they have tolod me again and again that this has always been their security and their rock.
Kat
Posted: Saturday, April 3, 2010 8:51:22 AM
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Joined: 5/19/2009
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oxymoron wrote:
Would loved to have known my dad, wasn't to be, he put himself out of his own torment when I was five (and yes, it stays with you the rest of your life, you always think, what if? ). My paternal grandfather was the embodiment of a loving man, he passed when I was eight. My mother, with whom I spent a great afternoon yesterday, is going great guns at 83,stoic, strong woman bought 4 kids up on her own, an incredible woman who I have honestly never heard cuss or speak ill of any person, truly someone to admire, love her to bits.


That is a very unusual and remarkable trait. I guess I don't have to
tell you how lucky you are to know her.
Lani
Posted: Saturday, April 3, 2010 1:29:54 PM
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Joined: 2/9/2010
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Location: Tunisia
I feel, somehow, they're strangers to me. Nevertheless, I know very well that they like me and so I try to be kind with them.
They are my parents.
risadr
Posted: Saturday, April 3, 2010 9:58:03 PM
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Joined: 3/16/2009
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Location: PA, United States
Romany wrote:
Boneyfriend - you said that this thread made you think people must favour one kid over another? No, no, no, no.

Surely some people do, I expect. But please don't get the idea that its inevitable. Being an only child I thought that too and went through a miserable (unplanned) second pregnancy and birth process completely convinced that I would never have enough love inside me left over from Number One son to give to Number Two.

But thank all the gods I soon found out this was a load of old cobblers. Both my boys are completely different individuals and I found I had limitless capacity for love. I could NEVER favour one over the other (though their father used to, which broke my heart).

The best thing of all is that both of them are fully aware of how much they are loved and, of all the problems they have had in their lives to date, thinking that they were not loved equally and heart-stoppingly has never been one of them. Through all we have been through together,they have tolod me again and again that this has always been their security and their rock.

Even though I don't plan to have anymore children, I can't imagine that I would ever favor one over the other. I love my nephews (my sister's two boys, and my brother's son) nearly as much as I love my own daughter, and I love them all exactly equally. If I can't play favorites with my nephews, how could I ever play favorites with my children?
Ketardously
Posted: Sunday, April 4, 2010 4:40:07 PM
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Joined: 6/13/2009
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Location: Sweden
risadr wrote:
Romany wrote:
Boneyfriend - you said that this thread made you think people must favour one kid over another? No, no, no, no.

Surely some people do, I expect. But please don't get the idea that its inevitable. Being an only child I thought that too and went through a miserable (unplanned) second pregnancy and birth process completely convinced that I would never have enough love inside me left over from Number One son to give to Number Two.

But thank all the gods I soon found out this was a load of old cobblers. Both my boys are completely different individuals and I found I had limitless capacity for love. I could NEVER favour one over the other (though their father used to, which broke my heart).

The best thing of all is that both of them are fully aware of how much they are loved and, of all the problems they have had in their lives to date, thinking that they were not loved equally and heart-stoppingly has never been one of them. Through all we have been through together,they have tolod me again and again that this has always been their security and their rock.

Even though I don't plan to have anymore children, I can't imagine that I would ever favor one over the other. I love my nephews (my sister's two boys, and my brother's son) nearly as much as I love my own daughter, and I love them all exactly equally. If I can't play favorites with my nephews, how could I ever play favorites with my children?

This is a little bit off topic, but being a mother of two, I just now realized I would pick my daughter over my son, in the blink of an eye. It's scary, it's not what I would wish for, but it's the truth. She's two and a half and he's five months old. Of course that's why. She's much more of a person, whereas he's just a sweet little lump so far.
It's logical but still it's freaking me out. What if the roles were reversed? Or--what if she, or my husband, or I, were to be disabled, end up in a coma or whatever? Would my loved ones love me less?
KhaleeqaIDRUS
Posted: Monday, April 5, 2010 11:37:17 AM
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I'm very close to both. I can't stand not talking to both in a day. They supply my needs -- especially love and education. I can talk anything to my mother. She's a good motivator. Without her, I would have no idea how I would solve my problems. My father makes me become an adventurous girl. They teach me to face the world.
Kat
Posted: Monday, April 5, 2010 6:51:57 PM
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Joined: 5/19/2009
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KhaleeqaIDRUS wrote:
I'm very close to both. I can't stand not talking to both in a day. They supply my needs -- especially love and education. I can talk anything to my mother. She's a good motivator. Without her, I would have no idea how I would solve my problems. My father makes me become an adventurous girl. They teach me to face the world.


You are so lucky.
I admire your parents and I envy you.
They must be so proud.


HWNN1961
Posted: Monday, April 5, 2010 7:42:14 PM
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Joined: 2/13/2010
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Both:

At first, my mom was more approachable than my dad. So, naturally, she was my favorite. Dad just was always working, and very tired when he got home. Also, he was the disciplinarian of the family.

Later, as we came to see eye-to-eye he became what I thought of as my favorite. We did things together, he was proud of my military career.

Still later, after Dad died, I learned new-found respect for the strength of my mother as she persevered after her loss.

So, at least in my case, there really was no favorite. How I saw each said more about me and my own perceptions as I grew up. In the end, they bere both my favorites. Both gone, but never forgotten.
KhaleeqaIDRUS
Posted: Tuesday, April 6, 2010 4:26:43 AM
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Joined: 2/3/2010
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Kat wrote:
KhaleeqaIDRUS wrote:
I'm very close to both. I can't stand not talking to both in a day. They supply my needs -- especially love and education. I can talk anything to my mother. She's a good motivator. Without her, I would have no idea how I would solve my problems. My father makes me become an adventurous girl. They teach me to face the world.


You are so lucky.
I admire your parents and I envy you.
They must be so proud.



However, Kat, we still have the up and down of life. We still go through the hardship that teaches us a lot especially to appreciate one's life. I still find each day is too short for me to show my parents especially my mother how much I love them :) like I've said in other forum.
DarkMoon
Posted: Wednesday, April 7, 2010 5:27:12 PM

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I cannot choose as well, though I'm my daddy's daughter. :)

When I was a child and a teenanger, my mother was around more, for she was stay-at home mom, while my dad was working all days long. Both parents taught me how to live decently, and instilled a sense of duty and responsibility into me. They taught me how to be a person I am now. Even if sometimes I have a feeling they interfere into my adult life too much or we don't agree on a few questions, I do understand they don't want me to be hurt, and they love me. The truth is that no matter how old I would be, I'll always stay their child. I cannot imagine that some day the time will come, when they are no longer here.

I think I could cite a song's verses, which I find as accurate ones. :)

"Where would I be today without you being there for me all my life
What would I do today without you taking care of me all the time"
oxymoron
Posted: Friday, April 9, 2010 7:51:03 AM
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Joined: 2/15/2010
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Location: Bungalow, usually in garden/greenhouse
Christine wrote:
Yes, I love my Mother. When my dad started to molest me, he took my innocence. He had a temper. He messed up my mind, killed my original me.

Kat, I would love to have your Dad!


Extraordinary brave Christine, I will never understand how any adult can react this way with a child, how do you begin to trust anything again. So much damage inflicted when it should be nurture.
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