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Please, could you correct the letter? Options
DavidLearn
Posted: Thursday, November 20, 2014 2:19:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 3,854
Neurons: 25,658
Location: Girona, Catalonia, Spain
Hello teachers,
Someone has been asked to write a letter in order to say why s/he is the best person to have the job.
Please, could you correct the letter?

Well, I’m the right person because I have studied four years a career of Marketing and Sales, two more years for a high grade of Marketing and business and another year for a Master degree in Economics. I also have worked for assistance sales during three years in XXX company and four years more in sales department of XXX firm.

All that knowledge will be advantageous for your company, and although my energetic, hard-working, tireless personality will complement perfectly with this company. I’m sure that your sales department with my labour will increase your sales and your profits.

I think it should be 'the career of Marketing and Sales' instead of 'a career of Marketing and Sales'.
The 'XXX' are the imaginary names of two companies.

Thanks.
dispossessed
Posted: Thursday, November 20, 2014 3:10:32 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/15/2014
Posts: 104
Neurons: 148,179
Location: Nottingham, England, United Kingdom
Well, I’m the right person because I have studied four years a career of Marketing and Sales, two more years for a high grade of Marketing and business and another year for a Master degree in Economics. I also have worked for assistance sales during three years in XXX company and four years more in sales department of XXX firm.

All that knowledge will be advantageous for your company, and although my energetic, hard-working, tireless personality will complement perfectly with this company. I’m sure that your sales department with my labour will increase your sales and your profits.


Try this . . . .I have changed a few things to make it more usual English usage. What you wrote is not wrong, but it is slightly unusual . . .




I am the right person for the job because I studied Marketing and Sales for four years at (give name of place of education). I studied Marketing and business at (name of place of education) and a further year for a Masters degree in Economics.

I have also worked for assistance sales for three years in XXX company and four years more in sales department of XXX firm.

I would put my knowledge and experience to good use for your company. I am energetic and hard working, and will be able to maximise both sales and profits.
DavidLearn
Posted: Thursday, November 20, 2014 5:11:33 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 3,854
Neurons: 25,658
Location: Girona, Catalonia, Spain
Hello,
Thank you very much four your help and time.

DL
excaelis
Posted: Friday, November 21, 2014 2:09:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,965
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Dis did a nice job, but the following sentence ( now amended ) didn't quite work for me :

I have also worked in sales support for three years in XXX company, and for a further four years in the sales department of XXX firm.
quixsilver
Posted: Friday, November 21, 2014 3:13:27 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 11/21/2014
Posts: 21
Neurons: 419,747
Location: Tucson, Arizona, United States
David, you are unnecessarily vague about what degrees you hold. Do you have a bachelor's? Do you have a master's? If you do, clearly specify degree, institution, year, major/minor mix. If the master's is not yet achieved, then coursework at that level is taken "toward," not "for" the degree. Hope this helps.
DavidLearn
Posted: Friday, November 21, 2014 4:01:16 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 3,854
Neurons: 25,658
Location: Girona, Catalonia, Spain
excaelis wrote:
Dis did a nice job, but the following sentence ( now amended ) didn't quite work for me :

I have also worked in sales support for three years in XXX company, and for a further four years in the sales department of XXX firm.

Hello excaelis,
Thank you very much for your amended sentence.

DL
DavidLearn
Posted: Friday, November 21, 2014 4:04:23 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 3,854
Neurons: 25,658
Location: Girona, Catalonia, Spain
quixsilver wrote:
David, you are unnecessarily vague about what degrees you hold. Do you have a bachelor's? Do you have a master's? If you do, clearly specify degree, institution, year, major/minor mix. If the master's is not yet achieved, then coursework at that level is taken "toward," not "for" the degree. Hope this helps.

Hello quixsilver,
Thank you so much for your recommendations. I do learn from all of them as it could not have turned out any other way.

DL
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