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A depressed, unemployed... Options
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 1:09:38 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,479
Neurons: 7,580
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A depressed, unemployed young man who finds escape from his troubles drawing webtoons is given a magical tablet which will make all his drawings become reality.

Long summary
The fantasy comedy about an unemployed young man named Ayie who is depressed over the death of his mother. Drawing webtoon is his ambition and a way to express his heart. He has a poor relationship with his father who is a gambler that got the family heavily in debt. One day, Ayie's life changed when a mysterious man gave him a tablet which will make all his drawing become reality.
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, July 24, 2021 5:37:34 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 16,392
Neurons: 78,627
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
My suggestions:

Short summary
A depressed, unemployed young man who finds escape from his troubles drawing webtoons is given a magical tablet which will make all his drawings become reality.

Long summary
The fantasy comedy about an unemployed young man named Ayie who is depressed over the death of his mother. Drawing webtoons is his ambition and a way to express his heart. He has a poor relationship with his father, a gambler who has put the family heavily in debt. One day, Ayie's life changes when a mysterious man gives him a tablet that will make all his drawing become reality.
Juegos Video
Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2021 1:17:47 AM

Rank: Member

Joined: 7/12/2021
Posts: 90
Neurons: 43,085
Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A depressed, unemployed young man who finds escape from his troubles drawing webtoons is given a magical tablet which will make all his drawings become reality.

Long summary
The fantasy comedy about an unemployed young man named Ayie who is depressed over the death of his mother. Drawing webtoon is his ambition and a way to express his heart. He has a poor relationship with his father who is a gambler that got the family heavily in debt. One day, Ayie's life changed when a mysterious man gave him a tablet which will make all his drawing become reality.


Some of this is stilted, to be sure. Here's how I would revise it:

Short summary
A depressed, unemployed young man escapes from his troubles by drawing webtoons is given a magical tablet which will make all his drawings real.

Long summary
This fantasy/comedy is about an unemployed young man named Ayie, depressed over his mother's death. Drawing webtoons is his ambition and is a way to express himself. He has a poor relationship with his father, who is a gambler that got the family heavily in debt. One day, Ayie's life changed when a mysterious man gave him a tablet which will make all his drawings become reality.
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, July 29, 2021 5:29:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,479
Neurons: 7,580
Thank you FounDit and Juegos Video.
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