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The story of Janet... Options
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, July 17, 2021 2:10:37 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,479
Neurons: 7,580
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
The story of Janet who was believed to have been sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge becomes entangled with Julia's life in the modern times.

Long summary
Julia, a cheerful & happy girl from Sarawak was warmly welcomed by Farid's family when she moved to Kuala Lumpur to plan their wedding. Unbeknownst to her, Farid's family kept a dark secret. A secret that returned to haunt them when Julia unintentionally uses a hairpin that once belonged to Janet, a girl that was sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge.
Juegos Video
Posted: Saturday, July 17, 2021 3:24:15 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 7/12/2021
Posts: 90
Neurons: 43,085
Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
The story of Janet who was believed to have been sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge becomes entangled with Julia's life in the modern times.

Long summary
Julia, a cheerful & happy girl from Sarawak was warmly welcomed by Farid's family when she moved to Kuala Lumpur to plan their wedding. Unbeknownst to her, Farid's family kept a dark secret. A secret that returned to haunt them when Julia unintentionally uses a hairpin that once belonged to Janet, a girl that was sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge.


Short:

"the" is not needed, so it should read "...in modern times."

Long

"...Farid's family kept a dark secret; a secret that returned to haunt them..."

The above requires a semicolon because the following sentence is a closely-related idea and therefore should not have the full stop a period provides.
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 9:58:35 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,479
Neurons: 7,580
Thank you Juegos Video.
FounDit
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2021 11:23:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 16,392
Neurons: 78,627
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
I agree with the corrections given, but I would also make a change to the Short Summary. I find it a bit awkward with "the story of Janet" becoming "entangled with Julia's life.

I think it would be better to say, "How the story of Janet, who was believed to have been sacrificed...becomes entangled with Julia in modern times" .

Short summary
The story of Janet who was believed to have been sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge becomes entangled with Julia's life in the modern times.

Long summary
Julia, a cheerful & happy girl from Sarawak was warmly welcomed by Farid's family when she moved to Kuala Lumpur to plan their wedding. Unbeknownst to her, Farid's family kept a dark secret. A secret that returned to haunt them when Julia unintentionally uses a hairpin that once belonged to Janet, a girl that was sacrificed in the 70s to ensure the successful construction of the Satok Bridge.
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