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After her mother's... Options
Amybal
Posted: Monday, June 7, 2021 9:44:03 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
After her mother's death, Mimi's family fell apart. One day, Mimi finds Chomelthe cat & brings it home, only for it to cause a series of events that brings her broken family back together again.

Long summary
After the death of her mother, Mimi's family slowly fell apart. One day, lonely Mimi finds a cat named Chomel and brings it home to cure her loneliness. Meanwhile, her father does his best to make ends meet for his children but his mother-in-law threatens to fight for the custody the children. Inadvertently, Chomel causes a series of events that begins to put Mimi's family back together again.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, June 8, 2021 11:36:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
A space after Chomel, and a few changes in the Long Summary.
Short summary
After her mother's death, Mimi's family fell apart. One day, Mimi finds Chomel the cat & brings it home, only for it to cause a series of events that brings her broken family back together again.

Long summary
After the death of her mother, Mimi's family slowly fell apart. One day, lonely Mimi finds a cat named Chomel and brings it home to cure her loneliness. Meanwhile, her father does his best to make ends meet for his children, but his mother-in-law threatens to fight for the custody of the children. Inadvertently, Chomel causes a series of events that begins to put Mimi's family back together again.
bitrot
Posted: Tuesday, June 8, 2021 8:37:49 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/8/2021
Posts: 1
Neurons: 3
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
After her mother's death, Mimi's family fell apart. One day, Mimi finds Chomel the cat & brings it home, only for it to cause a series of events that brings her broken family back together again.


Saying "Chomel the cat" is not fluent usage. This would imply that everyone knows the famous cat named Chomel.
Better just to say: One day, Mimi finds Chomel, a cat, & brings it home
or
One day, Mimi finds a cat named Chomel & brings it home
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, June 12, 2021 11:45:29 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Thank you bitrot and FounDit for the feedback.
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