mailing list For webmasters
Welcome Guest
essay Options
Atatürk
Posted: Friday, June 4, 2021 4:39:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,907
Neurons: 8,820
Location: İstoç, Istanbul, Turkey
I would appreciate it if could have a look at this essay.


Prison is the common way in most countries to try to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education. Do you agree or disagree?

Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution as it does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how much daunting a prospect try governments to portray incarceration.

For one thing, prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now; but a cursory glance at the history of prison, and of punishment in general, reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be. Unless they are psychologically insane, would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, e.g., capital punishment, does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.

However, quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through righteousness and decent behaviour that they can flourish in the society; legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only rooted out a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than do harm.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.


thar
Posted: Friday, June 4, 2021 5:35:05 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 24,421
Neurons: 98,922
Atatürk wrote:
I would appreciate it if could have a look at this essay.


Prison is the common way in most countries to try to solve the problem of crime.

Prison or imprisonment?

However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education.
In what? Education includes everything taught. An education is something specific.

Do you agree or disagree?

Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution as it does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how much daunting a prospect try governments to portray incarceration.

Nice vocabulary but let your reader breathe. I couldn't finish this without stopping. It needs a full stop at least!
Also I know you are trying things, but it is a bit wordy. You could say this in half the syllables.

If your paragraph is one sentence, then either your paragraph is too short or your sentence is too long.

Remember punctuation is what makes anything readable!


The end bit is wrong. You portray something as something. So you need to sort out how to put that into a clause.
how much governments portray something as something
At the moment it doesn't make sense even if you say that. Ah, I see, you mean daunting for protential prisoners? No, daunting is something in front of you you can't avoid. It is not a deterrent.







For one thing, prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now; but a cursory glance at the history of prison, and of punishment in general, reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be.


This is a shorter sentence but look at the number of commas. Each of those is a pause sign in the road and it makes the journey very jerky.

Also, although the idea of putting in a semi-colon is good, you can't start the next sentence with a 'but'. The semi-colon is like a semi-stop (not quite a full stop) so it starts the next part afresh but linked by idea


Unless they are psychologically insane,

redundant. Insanity is a psychological diagnosis. So either
'insane', which is a very strong and emotive word
or 'psychologically incapable of considering the consequences of their actions


would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, e.g., capital punishment,

I would not put 'eg' here. It would not be any longer to say 'such as' and it flows much better in an essay.

does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.



However,

I can't see a justification for a 'however' here. You are not contradicting your previous point about prison being bad. You are starting a new topic, about what is good.

quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through righteousness and decent behaviour that they can flourish in the society;


vocabulary - righteousness is very.... righteous. It is not the word you use for doing the right thing. IN fact it is usually quite negative nowadays. It only occurs in things like 'self-righteous' or 'righteous indignation'. THe only common positive is the 'holocaust saviours' righteous. Living in a 'righteous way' sounds like rather extreme religious terminology and is treated with suspicion.

Quote:

righteous
disapproving
believing and showing that you are morally correct, and that others are not:
His righteous indignation left senators on the Commerce Committee rolling their eyes.
an outburst of righteous anger


legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only rooted out

rooted out is not quite right - rooting out is finding something hidden and destroying it completely. You seem to be arguing for change through education, for reducing or defusing the criminal mentality, not stamping it out violently.

Quote:

root out
1 : to find and remove (something or someone) The mayor was determined to root out corruption in city government. 2 : to find (something or someone) after searching for a long time He finally rooted out the cause of the problem.


Quote:
root (out) verb

1to destroy all traces of
a concerted effort to root out prejudice of any kind in the armed services
Synonyms for root (out)

abolish, annihilate, black out, blot out, cancel, clean (up), efface, eradicate, erase, expunge, exterminate, extirpate, liquidate, obliterate, rub out, snuff (out), stamp (out), sweep (away), wipe out



a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than to do harm.

the sentence naturally splits here after 'willing', so it feels more natural to me to have two infinitives in your list than 'willing to' plus two bare infinitives.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.




+
this is very good in terms of vocabulary and grammar. Your concepts are very precisely expressed, using rich vocabulary correctly.
A couple of minor errors of article or un/countable nouns, but otherwise very good. The vocab I have picked out is more about nuance and usage than actual dictionary definitions, I think.

-
It can get quite hard to read in places! It is very wordy, and in places the sentences go on far too long. I know you are trying to stretch your skills so I can't criticise the vocabulary choices or verbosity but it does make it difficult to remember what the subject was at the start of the sentence sometimes, by the time you get to the end! If I failed to pick up some grammatical errors it is because it is sometimes hard to remember what structure you are in.

So for exhibition of English knowledge - very good. As a piece of writing as a native writer? - I don't know, but I think an editor might tell you to cut it by a third and express your ideas more succinctly!

I don't know, maybe I am just being a Philistine.

My main issue is punctuation, though. It is there to lead the reader through the text, to make it your voice to them. And I think that is something you could work on.
Atatürk
Posted: Saturday, June 5, 2021 4:08:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,907
Neurons: 8,820
Location: İstoç, Istanbul, Turkey
I don't know how to thank you dear that. Your comments are a complete lesson in writing.

Based on your feedback, I have made several changes highlighted in blue. I would be more than happy if you let me know your opinion about them.


Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution. It does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how bleak a prospect is incarceration portrayed as.

Prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now, but a cursory glance at the history of prison and punishment reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be. Unless they are insane, would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, such as capital punishment, does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.

As a true preventative measure, quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through decent behaviour and respecting law that they can flourish in society; legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only prevented the growth of a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than to do harm.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce the crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Saturday, June 5, 2021 8:36:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,277
Neurons: 241,541
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hello. I guess thar is "taking the weekend off". I'll add my thoughts.

Your first paragraph sounds much better as two sentences.
However, that last clause has one error left in it.

The "is" is part of the passive verb "is portrayed" - ". . . no matter how bleak a prospect incarceration is portrayed as."

I have read through the essay three times (at different speeds), and I can't see any other errors, or 'difficult to read' parts.
You have used the right types of phrase - formal, for an academic essay like this - and your vocabulary is very good (in my opinion).

Your views and the reasoning behind them are well stated. I'm not a teacher, but I read a lot, and can usually recognise 'bad writing'.
FounDit
Posted: Sunday, June 6, 2021 11:09:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Atatürk wrote:
I don't know how to thank you dear that. Your comments are a complete lesson in writing.

Based on your feedback, I have made several changes highlighted in blue. I would be more than happy if you let me know your opinion about them.
My suggestions:

Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution. Prison does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how bleak a prospect is incarceration portrayed as.
Another version might be:
"...no matter how bleak incarceration appears to be"

"...no matter how bleak a prospect incarceration appears to be to the offender"

Prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now, but a cursory glance at the history of prison and punishment reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be. Unless they are insane, would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, such as capital punishment, does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.

As a true preventative measure, quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through decent behaviour and respecting law (or, "respect for the law" both work) that they can flourish in society; legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only prevented the growth of a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than to do harm.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce the crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.
I'm not sure you should say education "can" reduce the crime rate without evidence to back up that statement. A better wording might be "education may play a role in reducing the crime rate...". I say this because some of the best criminals in our societies are the better educated.
Atatürk
Posted: Sunday, June 6, 2021 1:26:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,907
Neurons: 8,820
Location: İstoç, Istanbul, Turkey
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Hello. I guess thar is "taking the weekend off". I'll add my thoughts.

Your first paragraph sounds much better as two sentences.
However, that last clause has one error left in it.

The "is" is part of the passive verb "is portrayed" - ". . . no matter how bleak a prospect incarceration is portrayed as."

I have read through the essay three times (at different speeds), and I can't see any other errors, or 'difficult to read' parts.
You have used the right types of phrase - formal, for an academic essay like this - and your vocabulary is very good (in my opinion).

Your views and the reasoning behind them are well stated. I'm not a teacher, but I read a lot, and can usually recognise 'bad writing'.


Thank you so much, DS. I appreciate your response. You may not be a teacher, but you're so knowledgeable that many teachers would like to learn from you.
Atatürk
Posted: Sunday, June 6, 2021 1:32:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,907
Neurons: 8,820
Location: İstoç, Istanbul, Turkey
FounDit wrote:
Atatürk wrote:
I don't know how to thank you dear that. Your comments are a complete lesson in writing.

Based on your feedback, I have made several changes highlighted in blue. I would be more than happy if you let me know your opinion about them.
My suggestions:

Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution. Prison does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how bleak a prospect is incarceration portrayed as.
Another version might be:
"...no matter how bleak incarceration appears to be"

"...no matter how bleak a prospect incarceration appears to be to the offender"

Prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now, but a cursory glance at the history of prison and punishment reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be. Unless they are insane, would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, such as capital punishment, does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.

As a true preventative measure, quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through decent behaviour and respecting law (or, "respect for the law" both work) that they can flourish in society; legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only prevented the growth of a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than to do harm.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce the crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.
I'm not sure you should say education "can" reduce the crime rate without evidence to back up that statement. A better wording might be "education may play a role in reducing the crime rate...". I say this because some of the best criminals in our societies are the better educated.


Thank you so much, FD. You always catch me off gaurd by your brilliant comments.


Regarding the last paragraph, what's your opinion about the following changes?



To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society should/is expected to play a significant role in reducing the crime rate ... .


FounDit
Posted: Sunday, June 6, 2021 4:00:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Atatürk wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Atatürk wrote:
I don't know how to thank you dear that. Your comments are a complete lesson in writing.

Based on your feedback, I have made several changes highlighted in blue. I would be more than happy if you let me know your opinion about them.
My suggestions:

Whilst in most countries the dominant view is that prison is an effective tool for crime prevention, it has long been argued that providing people with quality education is a more sustainable approach for tackling this issue, which I agree with, asserting that prison cannot prove a viable solution. Prison does not necessarily eradicate the original impetus that prompts prospective offenders to commit a crime, no matter how bleak a prospect is incarceration portrayed as.
Another version might be:
"...no matter how bleak incarceration appears to be"

"...no matter how bleak a prospect incarceration appears to be to the offender"

Prison, as a governmental apparatus, has been around for centuries now, but a cursory glance at the history of prison and punishment reveals that it has not been as effective as it is often assumed to be. Unless they are insane, would-be criminals are typically aware of the dire consequences of the crime they are contemplating. Yet, the prospect of prison or even harsher types of punishment, such as capital punishment, does not deter them from committing crimes. In addition, numerous governmental and scientific reports have demonstrated that prisoners could be initiated into new criminal activities and leave the prison with even more potential and inclination for committing further crimes.

As a true preventative measure, quality education is a strategic tool that governments can deploy to ensure that young people grow up with the mindset that it is only through decent behaviour and respecting law (or, "respect for the law" both work) that they can flourish in society; legislators should have, by now, become cognizant of the fact that cultivating such a mentality in prison under duress is beyond the bounds of possibility. Only through decent education can governments rest assured that they have not only prevented the growth of a criminal mentality, but have also created a safe society where most people are more willing to contribute than to do harm.


To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society can reduce the crime rate as it enables people to reflect critically on their behaviour and on the repercussions of criminal activities for society. It also puts them in a position to see how they can nurture prosperity for themselves and others by being upstanding and law-abiding citizens.
I'm not sure you should say education "can" reduce the crime rate without evidence to back up that statement. A better wording might be "education may play a role in reducing the crime rate...". I say this because some of the best criminals in our societies are the better educated.


Thank you so much, FD. You always catch me off gaurd by your brilliant comments.


Regarding the last paragraph, what's your opinion about the following changes?



To sum up, facilitating access to quality education for everyone across society should/is expected to play a significant role in reducing the crime rate ... .
My thanks. I'm glad you find it helpful. As for your final reworded sentence, I think this will work fine.

Users browsing this topic
Guest


Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.