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A satirical comedy... Options
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, June 1, 2021 10:01:50 AM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
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Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A satirical comedy about a community of flat residents who has to work together to bring down the remains of Nordin's father from the 25th floor after his sudden death.

Long summary
Nordin is shocked by his father's sudden death one day. Coinciding with this is the presidential election of their flat community. When Nordin discovers that the lifts have gone out of order, he enlists the community to help remove his father's remains from his flat on the 25th floor. To do so, Nordin and his community have to overcome various setbacks and challenges.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, June 1, 2021 11:40:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
If the title is already known to the readers, these summaries are okay.

Short summary
A satirical comedy about a community of flat residents who has to work together to bring down the remains of Nordin's father from the 25th floor after his sudden death.

Long summary
Nordin is shocked by his father's sudden death one day. Coinciding with this is the presidential election of their flat community. When Nordin discovers that the lifts have gone out of order, he enlists the community to help remove his father's remains from his flat on the 25th floor. To do so, Nordin and his community have to overcome various setbacks and challenges.
tautophile
Posted: Tuesday, June 1, 2021 12:38:43 PM
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Joined: 3/14/2018
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It would be better if the short summary ran "...a community of flat residents who have to work together..." The residents of the community have to work together. (I assume that the residents reside in flats--apartments--in the community, not that they are themselves flat like a piece of paper or a plank of wood.) The use of "who" shows that the residents--people--are being referred to. If you really wanted to make the sentence refer to the community as a whole, you would have "...a community of [flat] residents which has to work to bring down...." But that sounds awkward. Also, the "his" in "the remains of Nordin's father...after his sudden death" almost--but not quite--certainly refers to the late Mr Nordin Sr., not to the younger Mr Nordin.

In the long summary, would Nordin be shocked...or surprised...by his Dad's death? "Presidental election" sounds awfully grand. Might it not be better to say "Coinciding with that was the election of the president or chairman of the flat's [or apartment house's] community..."? And I would also recommend "...the lifts are out of order", not "...gone out of order". Does Nordin enlist all the members of the community, or only some of them? "Difficulties" would probably be a better word than "setbacks".
tautophile
Posted: Tuesday, June 1, 2021 12:38:44 PM
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Joined: 3/14/2018
Posts: 1,589
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FounDit
Posted: Thursday, June 3, 2021 12:26:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
I think you are right. I missed that first point about the residents
Amybal
Posted: Monday, June 7, 2021 9:42:32 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Thank you FounDit and tautophile. Noted on the remarks.
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