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Many men were beguiled by Maria's Options
Boris66
Posted: Tuesday, March 31, 2020 10:40:48 AM
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Joined: 3/11/2020
Posts: 250
Neurons: 1,246
Do my sentences sound natural?

Many men were beguiled by Maria's good looks and charm, but she used them mostly as an ATM. As soon as she got what she wanted, she vanished, switched off her mobile phone, changed her address, and lived quietly and alone. But when she saw her next "victim" her character changed in a second, and she turned into a formidable predator. She could smell lonely, wealthy, shy men who lacked the courage to talk to self-confident, attractive women. She needed just a few seconds to decide if the "pray" would swallow the bait, and when that happened, the rest would be as easy as a pie. The fact that she left men furious and in tears didn't bother her much. She believed those men didn't deserve better because they saw her just a trophy they liked to show around. At least, she taught them a lesson, and she wasn't teaching for free.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, March 31, 2020 10:57:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
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Boris66 wrote:
Do my sentences sound natural?
It's very good, but I see a couple of things.

The idiom is "as easy as pie".

You can say, "saw her just as a trophy", or "saw her as only a trophy". Both are common phrases. To "show around" isn't wrong, it's just that it's not a common wording. Usually it's to "show off", but better, I think, is to say something like, "as just a trophy they had won".

The last sentence feels a bit "off" to me. Using "At least" gives the impression that this was her minimal effort. I think it would be better to directly say, "She taught them a lesson, and her teaching wasn't free".

Many men were beguiled by Maria's good looks and charm, but she used them mostly as an ATM. As soon as she got what she wanted, she vanished, switched off her mobile phone, changed her address, and lived quietly and alone. But when she saw her next "victim" her character changed in a second, and she turned into a formidable predator. She could smell lonely, wealthy, shy men who lacked the courage to talk to self-confident, attractive women. She needed just a few seconds to decide if the "pray" would swallow the bait, and when that happened, the rest would be as easy as pie. The fact that she left men furious and in tears didn't bother her much. She believed those men didn't deserve better because they saw her as just a trophy they liked to show around. At least, she taught them a lesson, and she wasn't teaching for free.
Boris66
Posted: Tuesday, March 31, 2020 11:08:44 AM
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Joined: 3/11/2020
Posts: 250
Neurons: 1,246
FounDit,

Thank you so much for your suggestions.
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 6:12:44 AM
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Joined: 6/14/2009
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Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

The way it's written the first sentence seem to suggest she used her looks and charm like an ATM - which could be a valid analogy.

But I think what you mean is that she used men as an ATM? Which is a clever analogy.

Because it is, and because it currently might be read differently, it might be better to do something along the lines of: -

"Maria used men like an ATM, beguiling them with her good looks and charm..."
Boris66
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 7:07:40 AM
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Joined: 3/11/2020
Posts: 250
Neurons: 1,246
Romany,

Thank you for your sentence. That is what I meant to say but didn't expressed correctly. It was first after reading your version that I understood I had made a mistake.
taurine
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 8:36:38 AM

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Joined: 4/20/2016
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Neurons: 158,979
Location: South Dublin, Ireland
Boris66 wrote:
Do my sentences sound natural?

Many men were beguiled by Maria's good looks and charm, but she used them mostly as an ATM. As soon as she got what she wanted, she vanished, switched off her mobile phone, changed her address, and lived quietly and alone. But when she saw her next "victim" her character changed in a second, and she turned into a formidable predator. She could smell lonely, wealthy, shy men who lacked the courage to talk to self-confident, attractive women. She needed just a few seconds to decide if the "pray" would swallow the bait, and when that happened, the rest would be as easy as a pie. The fact that she left men furious and in tears didn't bother her much. She believed those men didn't deserve better because they saw her just a trophy they liked to show around. At least, she taught them a lesson, and she wasn't teaching for free.


No, they do not. The first sentence does not sound natural as an abbreviation ATM had been used. While it is possible to imagine, that ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine, you should not use any abbreviation unless you had used the full name before.
I also do not like treating the behaviour of Maria as anything what might be described as 'natural'. This sort of behaviour can not be classified as natural, while your question 'Do my sentences sound natural' can be understood as suggesting, that Maria's behaviour is natural.
Orson Burleigh
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 10:30:31 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/12/2011
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Neurons: 140,041
Location: Annapolis, Maryland, United States
Boris66 wrote:
Do my sentences sound natural?

Many men were beguiled by Maria's good looks and charm, but she used them mostly as an ATM. As soon as she got what she wanted, she vanished, switched off her mobile phone, changed her address, and lived quietly and alone. But when she saw her next "victim" her character changed in a second, and she turned into a formidable predator. She could smell lonely, wealthy, shy men who lacked the courage to talk to self-confident, attractive women. She needed just a few seconds to decide if the "pray" would swallow the bait, and when that happened, the rest would be as easy as a pie. The fact that she left men furious and in tears didn't bother her much. She believed those men didn't deserve better because they saw her just a trophy they liked to show around. At least, she taught them a lesson, and she wasn't teaching for free.


You probably want to replace "pray" with the sound-alike "prey". Maria intends to catch men and to consume their substance.
Boris66
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 11:06:17 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/11/2020
Posts: 250
Neurons: 1,246
Orson Burleigh,

Thank you for your suggestion.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, April 1, 2020 4:29:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 14,279
Neurons: 67,943
Good catch. Orson. I'm amazed we missed that.
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