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Atatürk
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 1:11:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,772
Neurons: 7,510
Location: Eşfahān, Ostan-e Esfahan, Iran
Would you please check the following paragraph?

Nowadays people usually travel by plane, train, or car. Each of these ways of travel has its own advantages and drawbacks. As a matter of fact, several factors should be taken into consideration when deciding on one of these ways of travelling. If one wants to travel overseas or to long distances, for example, the best option would probably be by flight. On the other hand, if a family wants to take a journey around their country on vacation, driving a private car would be their best choice. However, there are times when people need to take a business trip hundreds of miles away. They are neither wealthy enough to buy plain tickets nor have the patience to drive for long hours. Obviously, in such cases travelling by train is most affordable and enjoyable. All in all, different modes of transport are available for travelers; one is not necessarily better than the other. It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.
thar
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 1:47:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 21,644
Neurons: 87,554
I know you want to use wide vocabulary, but sometimes what feels like repetition is actually more of a match.
Like 'advantages and disadvantages'. It is a bit of a cliché but it flows well.

As a matter of fact
- fine grammatically and in meaning, but a no-no for prose writing. It is too informal and feels like you are trying to inflate the word count. Again, I know you are trying to make this feel natural, but I think every guidance given to students on writing essays would be 'use this as little as possible, if at all.'
Romany
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 4:01:50 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 16,779
Neurons: 53,440
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom
Could I add a little to Thar's advice, Ataturk?

Having spent thousands of hours correcting student papers, the immediate word-space fillers jump out at one: -

"as a matter of fact" - what does this add to the paragraph except words? Of course we presume what you're about to say is a fact. You're a student. If anyone knows the difference between facts and fairy-tale, it's you. In fact, it had BETTER be fact, mister, or you're in trouble!

See what I mean? There's no point to this group of words...except to pad your writing out.
Why use "for example" when you are in the middle of giving an example? Why say it at all.
And "obviously" would have me, anyway, scratching away in the margins with the red pen!: "Why is it obvious? That's YOUR opinion. What is it about what you've written, which makes your opinion "obvious"?

I don't want to make it seem as though your paragraph is rubbish. Of course it isn't. But you need to "tighten" it (all your writing) and sharpen it if you want to get good assessments. Think about each word you used. Is it necessary? Is it the BEST (not just a word plucked from a Synonym list!) word to use here?

Speaking English can be a very lax, entirely incorrect, casual, slangy, impenetrable process: it's our bodies, faces, gestures,tone, which tell most of the story.

But writing English is very different. Here there are recognised conventions; here one's language skills become immediately obvious. And if someone is considered to be "waffling" there's a certain conclusion readers (Your teacher or Lecturer, your boss, your Editor) draw: this person doesn't have enough knowledge of the subject. They're trying to write as much as they can with as little knowledge as possible.

Unlike Thar, I don't find it too informal at all. However, I think it hovers uneasily between the two. There is a register for the tone of everything we write: happy, casual, formal, academic, ironic, dramatic...it doesn't matter which one is writing in, in the correct context; but it's necessary to stick to it.

(Am sure you know by now: these are tips or pieces of advice we tender; not judgemental criticisms?)
hedy mmm
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 6:22:03 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/29/2014
Posts: 1,442
Neurons: 687,677
Location: Borough of Bronx, New York, United States
Atatürk wrote:
Would you please check the following paragraph?

Nowadays people usually travel by plane, train, or car. Each of these ways of travel has its own advantages and drawbacks. As a matter of fact, several factors should be taken into consideration when deciding on one of these ways of travelling. If one wants to travel overseas or to long distances, for example, the best option would probably be by flight. On the other hand, if a family wants to take a journey around their country on vacation, driving a private car would be their best choice. However, there are times when people need to take a business trip hundreds of miles away. They are neither wealthy enough to buy plain tickets nor have the patience to drive for long hours. Obviously, in such cases travelling by train is most affordable and enjoyable. All in all, different modes of transport are available for travelers; one is not necessarily better than the other. It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.
———-
Key: Red: omit
Black bold: replacement
Nowadays (or Today or These days) people usually the mode of travel is by plane, train, or car. Each of these ways of travel has its own advantages and drawbacks. As a matter of fact, several factors should be taken into consideration when deciding on one of these ways of travelling the best option.If one wants to travel overseas or to long distances, for example, the best option would probably be by flight flying. On the other hand, if a family wants to take a journey prefers site-seeing around their country on vacation, driving a private car would be their best choice option. However, there are times when people need to take a business trip hundreds of miles away.They are neither wealthy enough to buy plain Because of the exorbitant cost of flying or patience to drive for long hours, obviously, in such cases travelling by train is most affordable and enjoyable. All in all, different modes of transport are available for travelers; one is not necessarily better than the other. It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.
————
Suggested Final:
Today the modes of travel are by plane, train, sea or car and each has its own advantages. Several factors should be taken into consideration when deciding your best option, for example, when traveling overseas the best options would probably be by land or sea. On the other hand, if a family prefers site-seeing around the country or vacation at a resort, driving a private car would be their best option.

However, there are times a business trip could take you hundreds of miles away—because of the exorbitant cost of flying or patience to drive for long hours—traveling by train is most affordable and enjoyable. All in all, different modes of transportation are available for travelers; one is not necessarily better than the other. It is one’s circumstances that make one method more appealing than the others.



Reiko07
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 6:50:43 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/30/2018
Posts: 1,041
Neurons: 5,208
Atatürk wrote:

It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.


Is "makes" correct here? I would have used "make" instead of "makes".

hedy mmm
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 7:15:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/29/2014
Posts: 1,442
Neurons: 687,677
Location: Borough of Bronx, New York, United States
Atatürk wrote:
It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.

Reiko07 wrote:
Is "makes" correct here? I would have used "make" instead of "makes".

————
Correctomundo Reiko07, Applause it is exactly as written in my “Suggested Final”...

hedy mmm
Dancing

Reiko07
Posted: Sunday, February 16, 2020 7:46:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/30/2018
Posts: 1,041
Neurons: 5,208
Thanks, hedy mmm.

I just noticed that you had used "one's" instead of "people's":

It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.(Atatürk's original)

It is one’s circumstances that make one method more appealing than the others. (Your version)

I'm really interested in why you used "one's" instead of "people's". Is that because the sentence is about an individual's circumstances and preferences?

By the way, I'm not sure if method can be replaced with "mode" or "means" or "form".

hedy mmm
Posted: Monday, February 17, 2020 11:28:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/29/2014
Posts: 1,442
Neurons: 687,677
Location: Borough of Bronx, New York, United States
Reiko07 wrote:
Thanks, hedy mmm.

I just noticed that you had used "one's" instead of "people's":
It is people’s circumstances that makes one method more appealing than the others.(Atatürk's original)
It is one’s circumstances that make one method more appealing than the others. (Your version)
I'm really interested in why you used "one's" instead of "people's". Is that because the sentence is about an individual's circumstances and preferences?

By the way, I'm not sure if method can be replaced with "mode" or "means" or "form".

—————
Excellent observation Reiko07, Applause Applause that I use the word “one‘s” instead of ”people’s”... and you’re correct, it is because the sentence IS about an individual‘s circumstances and preferences not plural because peoples is a whole bunch!

About the use of the word method being interchangeable, yes, its quite apropos...a method is a particular form or procedure for accomplishing or approaching something—like a trip.

BTW There is always “a method to my madness” in approaching a TFD thread or question...yours are always welcome...Applause

hedy mmm
Dancing Dancing


Reiko07
Posted: Monday, February 17, 2020 8:39:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/30/2018
Posts: 1,041
Neurons: 5,208
Thanks, hedy mmm. Angel

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