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D00M
Posted: Wednesday, October 04, 2017 1:33:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
Hello respected teachers,

Would you please check my paragraph?

The day I took the IELTS in Istanbul

It was in 2017 when I sat for the IELTS exam (Academic Module) to assess my English proficiency. The exam was due on a Thursday early in the morning. So I had to go to bed early the night before. Hopefully I fell asleep around 10 p.m. I woke up at 6 a.m. the next day and took a shower to freshen up. The doors of the exam hall were supposed to close at 8 sharp, so I had to be careful not to miss any minute. The exam was to be held at X hotel, which was of great comfort to me because it could not be any closer to my place. After some preparations, I got to the hotel at around 7:45 to find that the candidates were being inspected before entering the hall. It was not until 8:30 when the exam was started. All the candidates were equipped with the necessary items to take such a stiff English exam— some sharp pencils, eraser, headsets (for the listening task), and so on. The invigilators were also very polite and helpful; they guided us through the different parts of the exam. The first task was listening; it took about 40 minutes. It left a good impression on me because I felt I did well in almost all of the questions. But that was not true for its succeeding exam: reading. The candidates were left with three heavy and academic pages, and 60 minutes to answer numerous difficult questions. I learnt later that other candidates saw eye to eye with me about the reading section. Next was writing which started at 11 o’clock. Similarly, we had 60 minutes to response to this productive test. Given the exam being academic, we had to write one essay in at least 250 words as well as a description of a chart in 150 words (the minimal suggested length). I had never liked the twelve o’clock that much when the end of the IELTS exam was declared, like being released from a prison, so to speak.


I am looking forward to your answers.
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, October 04, 2017 3:43:33 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 12,878
Neurons: 39,274
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

Doom - I'm sorry. But if this is part of your test we cannot, ethically, help you. Though it sounds harsh, that would be thought to be cheating.
D00M
Posted: Wednesday, October 04, 2017 4:04:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
Which test? I don't have any test. I try to write something and improve my English by your correction.

I am looking forward to your answers.
D00M
Posted: Saturday, October 07, 2017 12:05:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
No help?Not talking

I am looking forward to your answers.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, October 09, 2017 7:53:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 26,896
Neurons: 146,892
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hi D00M.

First, I am going to check the grammar, including wrong words (most of it is fine) - then I'll give my opinion of the choice of synonyms, words and phrases.

"So" is a conjunction - many people consider that starting a sentence with a conjunction is incorrect. I don't feel that it's very important, but for an exam it is better to be perfect.
The exam was due on a Thursday early in the morning, so I had to go to bed early the night before.

The phrase 'was not until ____ when' does not exist. The phrase is 'was not until ____ that'.
It was not until 8:30 that the exam was started.

The way you have written this next sentence, it has no verb.
"Response" is a noun, but "respond" is the verb.
Similarly, we had 60 minutes to respond to this productive test.

When something has a certain length, it is of that length, not in that length.
we had to write one essay of at least 250 words as well as a description of a chart of 150 words

**********
I'll go through the 'wording' a little later.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
D00M
Posted: Tuesday, October 10, 2017 11:18:53 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Hi D00M.

First, I am going to check the grammar, including wrong words (most of it is fine) - then I'll give my opinion of the choice of synonyms, words and phrases.

"So" is a conjunction - many people consider that starting a sentence with a conjunction is incorrect. I don't feel that it's very important, but for an exam it is better to be perfect.
The exam was due on a Thursday early in the morning, so I had to go to bed early the night before.

The phrase 'was not until ____ when' does not exist. The phrase is 'was not until ____ that'.
It was not until 8:30 that the exam was started.

The way you have written this next sentence, it has no verb.
"Response" is a noun, but "respond" is the verb.
Similarly, we had 60 minutes to respond to this productive test.

When something has a certain length, it is of that length, not in that length.
we had to write one essay of at least 250 words as well as a description of a chart of 150 words

**********
I'll go through the 'wording' a little later.


Thank you so much, DS, for the constructive feedback. I'm looking forward to the rest of correction.

By the way, is the following correct?

You should write this essay in at least 250 words.

I am looking forward to your answers.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, October 10, 2017 11:34:59 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 26,896
Neurons: 146,892
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
What happened?
I did the second part . . . either I was distracted and didn't 'send' or there's a problem.

This is it with just the major grammar corrected.

It was in 2017 that I sat for the IELTS exam (Academic Module) to assess my English proficiency. The exam was due on a Thursday early in the morning, so I had to go to bed early the night before. Hopefully I fell asleep around 10 p.m. I woke up at 6 a.m. the next day and took a shower to freshen up. The doors of the exam hall were supposed to close at 8 sharp, so I had to be careful not to miss any minute. The exam was to be held at X hotel, which was of great comfort to me because it could not be any closer to my place. After some preparations, I got to the hotel at around 7:45 to find that the candidates were being inspected before entering the hall. It was not until 8:30 that the exam was started. All the candidates were equipped with the necessary items to take such a stiff English exam— some sharp pencils, eraser, headsets (for the listening task), and so on. The invigilators were also very polite and helpful; they guided us through the different parts of the exam. The first task was listening; it took about 40 minutes. It left a good impression on me because I felt I did well in almost all of the questions. But that was not true for its succeeding exam: reading. The candidates were left with three heavy and academic pages, and 60 minutes to answer numerous difficult questions. I learnt later that other candidates saw eye to eye with me about the reading section. Next was writing which started at 11 o’clock. Similarly, we had 60 minutes to respond to this productive test. Given the exam being academic, we had to write one essay of at least 250 words as well as a description of a chart in 150 words (the minimal suggested length). I had never liked the twelve o’clock that much when the end of the IELTS exam was declared, like being released from a prison, so to speak.


What follows is purely opinion - it is how I feel on reading your story.
I realise that you are trying to use as many words as possible, but this makes it sound 'strange' and unnatural in places.

The phrase "It was . . . that . . ." is used, but sounds (to me) too formal, old fashioned.
In 2017, I sat the IELTS exam (Academic Module) to assess my English proficiency.

"Hopefully" is not wrong - you were 'full of hope'.
However, it has rather limited usage normally - it is used to say that you hope the following statement is true.
"Hopefully he is already in London." = "I hope that he is already in London."
So it looks like you are saying "I hope that I fell asleep around 10 p.m." - which is not what you meant. Your sentence made me stop and think, rather than simply read and understand.
I would have worded it "I fell asleep around 10 p.m., full of hope."

Again, "It was not until . . ." sounds 'stilted' somehow.
"the candidates were being inspected before entering the hall, so the exam did not start until 8:30."

"Saw eye to eye" is a good phrase, but it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the language you are using. "Agreed" seems to fit better.

Again, the idiom of the last sentence seems rather 'stilted' I don't think that anything is incorrect (except the use of 'the' before "twelve-o'-clock") but:
I had never appreciated twelve o’clock so much as when the end of the IELTS exam was declared - it was like being released from prison, so to speak.

********
On the subject of "__ 250 words", I've been thinking.
It seems to me that "in 250 words" is used as an adverb.

"Write a description of the day in 250 words." - it says how you write the description.

"Of 250 words" seems to be an adjective.
"Write an essay of 250 words describing the day." - it says what kind of essay.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
D00M
Posted: Friday, October 13, 2017 3:50:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
Thanks a million, DS, I learned a lot from your corrections.

I have one more question, please.


Quote:
I had never appreciated twelve o’clock so much as when the end of the IELTS exam was declared - it was like being released from prison, so to speak.


Why have you used both 'when' and 'as'? Doesn't one serve the purpose?

I am looking forward to your answers.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, October 13, 2017 4:37:50 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 26,896
Neurons: 146,892
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hi!

No - both are needed.

"So much as" is the comparative phrase.

As a single statement sentence, you could omit the 'as'.

I had never appreciated twelve o’clock so much.


You could then add 'as + noun'.

I had never appreciated twelve o’clock so much as that day.


"when the end of the IELTS exam was declared" is the noun clause.

I had never appreciated twelve o’clock so much as when the end of the IELTS exam was declared - it was like being released from prison, so to speak.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
D00M
Posted: Friday, October 13, 2017 6:16:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/24/2017
Posts: 627
Neurons: 3,353
Thanks.

I am looking forward to your answers.
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