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Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Saturday, May 1, 2021 7:26:22 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,413
Neurons: 244,069
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Clyde of Oz wrote:
A: Wonders will never cease.


Q. Did I tell you I won the lottery on Friday - £2.90!

A. A glass piano.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Monday, May 3, 2021 3:27:20 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: What was making that weird tinkling sound, just before the almighty crash?

A: Careful, it might explode!
anton-Юрий
Posted: Monday, May 3, 2021 7:44:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Look: I'm mixing caesium and astatine together to get growing crystals of caesium astatide. Isn't it exciting?


A- No, I meant Jennifer's.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Tuesday, May 4, 2021 6:04:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: I disguised myself as a cleaner, got into Janice's hotel room, searched for and found her private diaries, and managed to sneak out with them for you — are they what you wanted?


A: We'll simply have to make do with what we've got, then.
cythuman
Posted: Tuesday, May 4, 2021 6:16:50 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 363
Neurons: 364,577
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: After our supply boat has capsized, all we’ve left is these two damp matches. Shouldn’t we better abandon our search for the lost Amazon tribe?


A: I could have told you before if you had asked me.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Tuesday, May 4, 2021 12:26:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Last night, I asked Jennifer how many boyfriends she's had so far. She asked $20 to give me her answer. So I gave her that money then she answered. Did you know she's had 107 boyfriends so far?


A- I would have proposed you if you hadn't looked like the christ of Nazareth.
Luker4
Posted: Tuesday, May 4, 2021 12:51:22 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/19/2013
Posts: 4,242
Neurons: 26,150
Location: Wrocław Pracze, Lower Silesian Voivodeship, Poland
Q:Hey! Why did you turn me down for the role of Santa Claus?


A: You gained a lot more than just weight.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Sunday, May 9, 2021 2:03:12 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,960
Neurons: 101,563
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: Why have you been staring at my luggage ever since I landed?


A: Three is sedom better than one; .. umm maybe two, max.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, May 9, 2021 6:50:49 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: I have a mistress in Cape Town and one in Singapore; I think I need one in New York — would you agree?

A: Nothing you do surprises me.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Monday, May 10, 2021 9:36:53 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- This morning, I decided to dress up like the Pleiades star cluster: am I shining bright enough?


A- I swear it was not me!
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, May 10, 2021 11:13:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,413
Neurons: 244,069
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Q - Who's this guy anton-Юрий?

A - Just some wild duck flying around.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Tuesday, May 11, 2021 1:49:48 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Why am I suddenly immersed in flapping wings?

A: That would definitely not be appropriate.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Tuesday, May 11, 2021 3:16:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- I think it's time I tell my wife I have an affair with her two sisters at the same time. What do you think?


A- She's the incarnation of Evil, I tell you.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Wednesday, May 12, 2021 3:36:02 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Come and see this dear little stray kitten that I've taken in — isn't she so innocent and adorable?

A: I have no intention of doing anything of the sort.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Wednesday, May 12, 2021 4:00:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- See, this is easy: you catch them, you wash them, you dry them then you entertain them. OK?


A- I swear I have never interacted with you.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, May 12, 2021 8:14:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,413
Neurons: 244,069
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Q - Do you remember that time I saw you going into the strip-club?

A - Memory is a strange thing.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Thursday, May 13, 2021 9:33:53 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Oh I remember now... You stole my white socks when I was 3 years old. Are you still into sock fetish?


A- Barmaid, I ordered a 'scotch', not a 'crotch'!
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Friday, May 14, 2021 11:51:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Hi, honey, do you still want a drink or will this do instead?

A: Give him 2.54 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 kilometres.
cythuman
Posted: Saturday, May 15, 2021 5:14:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 363
Neurons: 364,577
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Can you give me an example of redundant precision?


A: I could have told you they drive on the other side of the road in this country.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, May 15, 2021 6:58:24 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,960
Neurons: 101,563
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: Why are you looking so forlorn? You weren't even in the accident.


A: Take it easy, she said. Easy for her to say that.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Saturday, May 15, 2021 10:42:27 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Why did she tell me "Ticket easy"? That's made me so anxious. Did she mean I'm easy to fine?


A- Good lords... She meant playing "chess", not "chest"!
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, May 16, 2021 2:48:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: She said something about mating me in the chest! Whatever did she mean?

A: About a dozen. Or two. Or maybe fifty. I forget.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Sunday, May 16, 2021 2:08:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Geezes... How many ecstasy pills have you swallowed tonight???


A- That's Photoshop, not plastic surgery...
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Tuesday, May 18, 2021 6:52:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: My wife just texted — JUST DONE NOSE JOB WITH PS. WENT WELL. How can this be: she's not a surgeon?

A: Everything was fine until you asked that.
cythuman
Posted: Wednesday, May 19, 2021 2:22:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 363
Neurons: 364,577
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: In fairness, I’d like to ask you one more thing: You don’t mind that I have about seven children from a few previous marriages?


A: Irreversible and inexcusable, I’m afraid.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2021 12:41:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,413
Neurons: 244,069
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Q - Sorry about that. You don't mind do you?

A - I'll just take it out of your pay.
cythuman
Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2021 6:49:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 363
Neurons: 364,577
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Really sorry about your new jet, boss, I shouldn’t have used the diesel fuel. What can I do to make you trust me again?


A: I’m only human after all!
anton-Юрий
Posted: Saturday, May 22, 2021 10:35:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- Why can't you remotely influence every sentient being of this planet?


A- Good Lords, I thought she died while running...
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, May 22, 2021 3:07:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,960
Neurons: 101,563
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: Are you sure she is ready to be discharged from the hospital?


A: And that is not taking into account the compound interest.
cythuman
Posted: Sunday, May 23, 2021 4:41:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 363
Neurons: 364,577
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Can you actually guarantee that your Galactic Performance Fund will safely double my investment each year?


A: Just show me where I have to sign.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Sunday, May 23, 2021 2:23:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- By signing this contract, you sell your soul to me and get an eternity of fun for free. Is that fine with you?


A- He's the being I hate the most in this universe.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Monday, May 24, 2021 6:42:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: In which universe is he the being you hate most?


A: Well, that sounds like the hard way to do it.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Tuesday, May 25, 2021 2:04:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,193
Neurons: 70,564
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q- I was born without any father so I non-linearly picked one living father along with four deceased fathers: what d'ya think?


A- Good lords, what happened to your hair? :O
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Tuesday, May 25, 2021 6:37:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 454
Neurons: 6,459
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Is that your answer?


A: Very fast indeed. In a flash. I had no time to think. It didn't hurt much.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, May 26, 2021 9:46:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,413
Neurons: 244,069
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q- How was the injection, then?

A- She said it was massive.
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