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Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 9:40:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,520
Neurons: 246,506
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Clyde of Oz wrote:
What a coincidence!


Q. I have this friend called Clyde, lives in Torquay. Any relation?

A. My third cousin, twice removed, by marriage.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2020 4:14:41 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q. Who was that lady I saw you with last night?


A. It's still glowing slightly.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2020 5:42:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,520
Neurons: 246,506
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q - Did your work at the Atomic Energy Authority have any effect on your body?

A - No-one told me.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2020 9:06:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Did you know that Erno Rubik took a month to solve the cube that he invented?


A: It's not going to make the slightest difference.
cythuman
Posted: Wednesday, August 5, 2020 7:15:47 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 380
Neurons: 392,392
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Couldn't we appeal to his sense of responsibility?


A: At your own risk!
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Thursday, August 6, 2020 12:23:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Do you think I should have my afternoon coffee ten minutes early?


A: It fell a very long way.
cythuman
Posted: Thursday, August 6, 2020 3:51:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 380
Neurons: 392,392
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
How is your investment in the Beirut Harbour Development Fund going?


It's a decision I have never regretted.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Thursday, August 6, 2020 8:20:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Do you think it was wise to give up your steady job for a life of crime and extortion?


A: One at a time, please.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Friday, August 7, 2020 1:56:21 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: Tonight, I want Jennifer, Suzie, Jacky and Melania in my bedroom. Would you please arrange that?


A: It's more than I can bear.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Friday, August 7, 2020 8:55:21 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: We'll have a fun session watching my selection of Donald Trump's twenty finest speeches: how does that appeal to you?


A: I got to 243 and then lost count.
cythuman
Posted: Saturday, August 8, 2020 9:22:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 380
Neurons: 392,392
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: What was your best ever score in the hotdog eating contest?


A: I wish somebody had told me before.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Saturday, August 8, 2020 8:38:25 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Did you know that flamingos bend their legs at the ankle, not the knee?


A: I find that really hard to believe.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 12:48:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,520
Neurons: 246,506
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Q - Did you hear the rumour that Australia were going to win the Ashes again?

A - Rowlocks.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 3:41:04 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: What can you get for just A$5.95 at Whitworths Marine & Leisure in Australia?

A: It just leapt out at me!
cythuman
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 7:01:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 380
Neurons: 392,392
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Don't you think it was a crazy idea to dance with that gorilla?


A: It could have been a lot worse.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Thursday, August 13, 2020 11:37:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Did you get that bruise on your arm from falling down the 40-metre cliff?


A: Nothing but silence.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Saturday, August 15, 2020 7:46:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: What were his very last words?


A: Oh my God, what happened to your hair??
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Sunday, August 16, 2020 5:38:23 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,967
Neurons: 101,784
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: There's no mirror here; do you think I'm looking alright?


A: All they found was a comb and some chewing gum and small change.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, August 16, 2020 8:12:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: So what did those bank robbers get when they broke into the Bank of England vault?


A: Close, but no cigar.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Monday, August 17, 2020 4:41:20 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: What's that? Has he got a cigar in his left pocket?


A: Progress until your last breath and beyond.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Monday, August 17, 2020 5:05:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: I feel I've been making progress since my first breath: what happens next?


A: I didn't know how huge it was going to be.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, August 17, 2020 2:04:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,967
Neurons: 101,784
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: You mean you still haven't finished compiling that book on "Trump's Lies"?



A: I like the way Fauci handles him.





anton-Юрий
Posted: Friday, August 21, 2020 6:12:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: Trump tends to behave these days: did you notice that too?


A: I want socks like Fauci's!



cythuman
Posted: Friday, August 21, 2020 6:47:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 380
Neurons: 392,392
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Your execution is scheduled in two hours. Do you have any last wish, Sir?


A: No thank you, I prefer to walk.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Friday, August 21, 2020 9:46:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: You've just been sentenced to 30 years in prison. We're going to drive you to the jail. Sir? Are you with us?


A: That was the least I could do.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Saturday, August 22, 2020 1:57:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Did you follow the instruction?




A: Yes, but it took a lot out of me.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Saturday, August 22, 2020 5:40:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: So you managed to make your wife understand your own vision/perception/representation of Everything?


A: You have 5 seconds left.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, August 24, 2020 3:23:43 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,520
Neurons: 246,506
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q: I'm expecting to live another thirty years or so - does that sound reasonable?

A: Ours is not to reason why.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Monday, August 24, 2020 7:55:30 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Our approach is to try to find rational explanations for everything — what's yours?


A: My wife has one just like it.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Monday, August 24, 2020 10:39:32 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: Look! This tomato has an appendage that looks like a big nose! Crazy, right?


A: She's getting what she deserves.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, August 30, 2020 1:26:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Are you really buying your daughter a steam-roller for her birthday?


A: Not if I can help it.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2020 12:17:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 35,520
Neurons: 246,506
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Are you going back to work after the lock-down?

Two hours a week.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2020 3:36:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,967
Neurons: 101,784
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India

Q:Seriously? Yo're back at work already?


A: It seemed rather cryptic, so we decided to just ignore it.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2020 6:01:40 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 486
Neurons: 6,646
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: What did you do at the STOP sign?

A: It makes no difference to me.
anton-Юрий
Posted: Thursday, September 3, 2020 6:32:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 21,630
Neurons: 71,852
Location: Nogent-le-Rotrou, Centre, France
Q: Which herbal tea would you like: hemlock or oleander?


A: Not everyone likes me but not everyone matters.
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