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anton exobio
Posted: Monday, September 23, 2019 8:49:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Hope123 wrote:
Close and lock the safe!



Q: My soon-to-be ex-wife is back!!! What should I do now???


A: $1,200.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Monday, September 30, 2019 6:20:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 247
Neurons: 4,987
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: How much did your baby's scribbles fetch at auction?

A: What a wonderful idea!
anton exobio
Posted: Friday, February 7, 2020 1:30:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: How about throwing eggs to the passersby?


A: Sales are up by 32 percent.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2020 9:24:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q: Did reducing everything to half-price work out profitable?

A: It's all relative.
cythuman
Posted: Wednesday, March 4, 2020 4:18:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Can anything taste better than home-made haggis?

A: It was a tough nut to crack.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Saturday, March 7, 2020 8:23:32 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
You broke you tooth on a peanut?

It was an act of god.
anton exobio
Posted: Monday, March 9, 2020 8:44:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: When she woke up in our bed this morning, she told me I was the best lover ever, can you believe that?

A: She looks more beautiful without makeup.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, March 23, 2020 12:29:21 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

Q Why does she look so pale?

A It's a fortnight in quarantine.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 12:20:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,645
Neurons: 94,956
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q Why am I not able to recognise him?


A: At least a Learner's Board would have helped.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, April 15, 2020 11:49:22 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom

How come the teachers' conference still haven't made a decision?

It all comes down to procrastination.
cythuman
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 6:29:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Couldn't anybody foresee we would need more masks?


Sooner rather than later!
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 7:03:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,645
Neurons: 94,956
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: So you're sure you want to trap her into marrying you?



A: Poor bloke didn't realize the funds had run out.
cythuman
Posted: Saturday, April 18, 2020 7:42:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
[quote=Articulate Dreamer]Q: So you're sure you want to trap her into marrying you?

Applause Brilliant! Dancing
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, April 21, 2020 9:44:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Articulate Dreamer wrote: Poor bloke didn't realize the funds had run out.

Q. Didn't you tell him he couldn't afford a Rolls?

A. I thought he said roller-skates.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 2:11:38 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,645
Neurons: 94,956
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: Why aren't you wearing proper footwear?


A: I'd have preferred a 'come-as-you-are-party' really.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 2:12:38 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,645
Neurons: 94,956
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India


Ta, cythuman
cythuman
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 8:22:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Articulate Dreamer wrote:

A: I'd have preferred a 'come-as-you-are-party' really.

Q: Don't you find this caveman costume a bit embarrassing?


A: I didn't want to spend a fortune.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 2:15:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 12,645
Neurons: 94,956
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Q: I thought your new car was an SUV...?


A: Painted black all over, it was.
cythuman
Posted: Wednesday, April 29, 2020 1:59:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
You mean you paid 20 grand for this dirty old banger?


They said they would give it another touch of paint.
anton exobio
Posted: Saturday, May 16, 2020 1:07:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: Why did they complain about my makeup???


A: She confused me, whether it was intentional or not, so I distanced myself from her world.
cythuman
Posted: Saturday, May 16, 2020 4:00:25 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: What made you decide to move to Greenland?


A: It was the lesser of two evils.


cythuman
Posted: Sunday, June 21, 2020 4:27:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: So you refused an invitation to become chief government adviser and told them you preferred to sell bird whistles?


A: The colours didn't quite match.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2020 7:26:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
cythuman wrote:
A: The colours didn't quite match.


Q - Why did you put those eighty new armchairs in the rubbish?

A - They were 'armless.
anton exobio
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2020 1:20:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: Why did you use to breed such 'orrible spiders?


A: Strike the iron while it's hot.
cythuman
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2020 8:26:44 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: Wasn't it something like "stroke the ice cube while it's cold"?



A: I should have listened to my accountant.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2020 7:31:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q - How's it going since you won the lottery?

A - Easy come - easy go!
cythuman
Posted: Wednesday, July 1, 2020 3:53:11 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/19/2019
Posts: 234
Neurons: 98,428
Location: Strasbourg, Alsace, France
Q: How did he manage to turn from most popular into most hated within half a year?


A: I guess I shouldn't have waited until the last moment.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, July 1, 2020 12:04:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 34,213
Neurons: 224,906
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Q - What's that stain . . .?

A- Curry.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Sunday, July 19, 2020 4:35:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 247
Neurons: 4,987
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Who painted this?




A: I just can't see it at all.
anton exobio
Posted: Thursday, July 30, 2020 10:40:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?


A: I am not pregnant.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Thursday, July 30, 2020 8:36:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 247
Neurons: 4,987
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Maybe it's because of this blasted log in my eye, but you look to be bulging a bit — when's baby due?

A: It is, I fear, absolutely inevitable.
anton exobio
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 4:21:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: Oh my God, white hair!!! Will I have to get my hair dyed until my last breath and beyond?


A: That's the least she could do.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 6:26:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 247
Neurons: 4,987
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q: Will she be wearing pink pyjamas when she comes?


A: It's somewhere out in the cold, dark night.
anton exobio
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 7:50:25 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/10/2014
Posts: 19,272
Neurons: 64,128
Location: Chartres, Centre, France
Q: Have you seen his lost virginity, somewhere, somehow?


A: My name is not Jennifer.
Clyde of Oz
Posted: Friday, July 31, 2020 8:28:05 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/22/2014
Posts: 247
Neurons: 4,987
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Q. Oh, Jennifer, my love! How I have missed you! Jennifer, my darling, where have you been all this time?


A. What an amazing coincidence!
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