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Please make it more apeealing Options
prince
Posted: Sunday, July 31, 2011 6:13:15 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2010
Posts: 531
Neurons: 3,390
Can someone make this letter more appealing to the reader. I shall be grateful to them.

To
The Legal Department
Angola Immigration Office
Angola

I wish to bring to your notice an unpleasant situation which is happening to us more often than not.
It is in the best intrest of our business that one of our Ex-patriate employee of our company has to visit the Various places to meet our customers for various reasons such as cutting a business deal to deling legal issues and to understand the working conditions of local employees to training them on field . It is in this course we often choose to travel in the same vehicle that carries the stock aswell , to minimise our over-heads.

However it is very dis-hearting that few immigration officers are barring us to travel in the vehicle caryying goods inspite of being in conjunction with atleast one local employee.

Hence we would like to know : "Are we not allowed to travel in our own vehicle carrying our own goods along with our own local employee"?.

We shall be grateful to you if you could advise us in writing in your official capacity so that we would work according to what law permits us to do.

Thanks and Regards
Mr Richard.
Manager
Dexis Ltd.
Angola.
thar
Posted: Sunday, July 31, 2011 8:08:26 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 21,988
Neurons: 89,151
Is this business? Sounds like this is what translators are paid for - wouldn't want to put fellow forum members out of a job...
kazi
Posted: Sunday, July 31, 2011 12:44:57 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/16/2010
Posts: 34
Neurons: 95
Your letter is just fine for its purpose. I guess you want the letter to be more persuasive, but it's a letter seeking authorization and a standard procedure to convey people and goods on foreign soil; it's not an assylum request that can be phrased to arouse compassion upon the mind of the reader. There is nothing much needed than the reasons seeking that laissez-passer, and your authorization would be quickly granted if it doesn't compromise the security and stability of the foreign land.
MrH
Posted: Sunday, July 31, 2011 10:54:05 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/25/2011
Posts: 30
Neurons: 90
Location: United States
You'd have to be a person like me to actually think of doing it for free.

But it's true, there are professionals out there for such an undertaking.

Given the seemingly sensitive nature of such a letter, perhaps that is the best route.
intelfam
Posted: Monday, August 1, 2011 5:16:57 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/18/2010
Posts: 1,190
Neurons: 3,284
Location: United Kingdom
kazi wrote:
Your letter is just fine for its purpose. I guess you want the letter to be more persuasive, but it's a letter seeking authorization and a standard procedure to convey people and goods on foreign soil; it's not an assylum request that can be phrased to arouse compassion upon the mind of the reader. There is nothing much needed than the reasons seeking that laissez-passer, and your authorization would be quickly granted if it doesn't compromise the security and stability of the foreign land.


I'd have to say that, as a BE speaker, I can make sense of your letter, but the english needs some tightening up, as there are a number of errors.
prince
Posted: Monday, August 1, 2011 5:53:55 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2010
Posts: 531
Neurons: 3,390
sir kindly point out the errors and rectify them. i shall be greatful to u.
RuthP
Posted: Monday, August 1, 2011 4:52:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/2/2009
Posts: 5,408
Neurons: 87,618
Location: Drain, Oregon, United States
prince wrote:
Can someone make this letter more appealing to the reader. I shall be grateful to them.

To
The Legal Department
Angola Immigration Office
Angola

I wish to bring to your notice an unpleasant situation which is happening to us more often than not.
It is in the best intrest of our business that one of our Ex-patriate employee of our company has to visit the Various places to meet our customers for various reasons such as cutting a business deal to deling legal issues and to understand the working conditions of local employees to training them on field . It is in this course we often choose to travel in the same vehicle that carries the stock aswell , to minimise our over-heads.

However it is very dis-hearting that few immigration officers are barring us to travel in the vehicle caryying goods inspite of being in conjunction with atleast one local employee.

Hence we would like to know : "Are we not allowed to travel in our own vehicle carrying our own goods along with our own local employee"?.

We shall be grateful to you if you could advise us in writing in your official capacity so that we would work according to what law permits us to do.

Thanks and Regards
Mr Richard.
Manager
Dexis Ltd.
Angola.

You have the start of a very good letter here, but there are still a number of both trivial and fairly serious problems. Please consider what I say below, both the easy spelling/typographic/punctuation errors and the issues regarding the sense of the letter. Because there are a number of different issues, it would be easier to be more specific if you were to do a preliminary re-write and bring a second draft back.

I strongly suggest you run a spell checker over this. There are a number of misspellings and / or typographical errors.

There are also spaces placed in front of commas, colons, and periods: this is not standard English punctuation. Although some other languages do use a leading space, if you are writing in English, colon, comma, semi-colon, and period have no preceding space; they follow immediately after the last letter of the word. There may be a setting in your word processor which you need to change: it is possible the word processor is automatically inserting leading spaces.

I am assuming you are using your terms correctly: do you mean "expatriate"? Are these employees citizens of Angola currently residing in your country and returning just for these trips, or citizens of your country living in Angola accompanying an Angolan citizen (local employee) on the trips? You might do better to identify the situation / nationality specifically.

I suggest you find some model business letters on the internet. The letter is not bad, but it does not conform to standard notation. There is a standard form for opening salutation (including a name-and-address block) at the top of the letter for the addressee, and a standard form for the signature block (including name-and-address information) at the close of the letter. Both blocks include names, job titles, and complete addresses. In the U.S., indentation is seldom used for paragraphs. A single blank line is placed between the paragraphs and the first line of each paragraph starts at the left margin.

I strongly suggest you discover the name of the individual you should contact about such a problem or, at the very minimum, the job title (not the department name) of the person / people who would be responsible. Write to the individual or, at minimum, to an individual job title, not an entire department.

You also need the exact name of the agency and the department within the agency to which you are writing. You need the street address, complete with building number (and / or building name, if appropriate) and any postal code.

Reconsider exactly what the point of the letter is:

Are you certain it is legal for your expatriate to travel with the goods? Then you are informing the legal officer of a misunderstanding in the immigration department and you are requesting this official's help in clearing up the confusion. Perhaps this official will write to the immigration office, or perhaps he will provide you with papers to present at immigration or for your employees to carry on the travels.

Be cautious how you state the issue. Do not overstate the problem, and be consistent in how you present it. Use actual figures: "three times last month", rather than "more often than not".

Use of "more often than not" is an unsubstantiated complaint which does not fit well with "a few immigration officers are barring us . . ." Be specific about the frequency with which this is occurring, that is the important part.

If you know this is permitted, do not suggest it is not: DO NOT say "Are we not allowed . . .". If you know you should be allowed; do not even admit the possibility that anyone could stop you. Instead consider asking "Is there anything we can provide which will help you resolve this confusion?"

Are you unsure about the legality of an expatriate traveling with commercial goods? Then you are inquiring about the legality and asking what steps you must take to allow your non-local employees to travel in the trucks each time. Now the wording "a few officers are barring . . ., while most of them are allowing" would make sense. It would explain your confusion about the situation.

You are in effect saying you never had any notice such travel would be a problem; most of the immigration officers allow it, but every once in a while someone stops you. This leaves you concerned that there are further steps you need to take to ensure your non-local employees can travel in the truck with the goods every time.

If the latter is true, I would suggest you contact your lawyer in Angola. Determine what the laws and regulations are surrounding this before you stir-up the local officialdom. Know what your rights and responsibilities are and double-check you have fulfilled all the necessary steps on your part before you engage another layer of bureaucracy. Is it at all possible that there is some form you must turn-in which has been missed, or one you must fill-out each trip that isn't getting completed?

If you do not know the laws and regulations, and have no way of discovering them, then a conciliatory approach is probably best: I thought this was permitted and most immigration officers allow it. A few are telling us there is a problem, so I am requesting guidance and assistance in resolving this issue.

You wish to ask how to resolve this issue, but you do not wish to ask an open-ended question which allows this officer to disallow permission. Instead, you wish to suggest the answer: "What is the procedure . . ." or "What documentation should be presented . . ." or "Where do I obtain the paperwork for permission . . ." or "What certificates must be presented . . ."?

If you do not know the legality of this, do not use aggressive wording such as "Are we not allowed . . ." You don't know, so you must, therefore, ask a civil question: "What arrangements are needed to permit our (expatriate)(non-resident)(non-Angolan) employees to ride with the goods?" (Plus, again, do not suggest you are not allowed; ask what steps must be completed to allow the travel.)

I hope some of this helps.
thar
Posted: Tuesday, August 2, 2011 2:46:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 21,988
Neurons: 89,151
Do you know if this office likes to communicate in English? I know it is the international language but if you want a favourable response it might help to put it in Portuguese?
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