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Is this good writing? Options
Penz
Posted: Sunday, September 19, 2021 5:04:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/26/2021
Posts: 732
Neurons: 5,269
My friend is going to publish a fantasy novel. He is telling me to share my opinion whether I think it is near-professional level.

I would love to hear what you all think about his writing.

The town was celebrating Halloween, like always, kids were excited the most. It was really something else, something exhilarating to put some emerald monster-like costumes on and even more remarkable for pretty angels who have decided somehow to wear such shabby witch costumes. Alex, however, was in his room. A rather tall, black-haired teen; sitting at the table, scribbling in a green grubby-looking notebook at his home alone. The room was dimly lit, even so, one could have easily fainted by the mere sight of vicious-looking demons posters hung all over the wall. They were hideous and frightening as hell.

It gave him a start when a shrill voice came from outside on the Halloween-decorated cobbled street.

''Tyler! Are you there?'' he darted over to the window. ''Tyler?''

Alex looked down the window to find a tall, rather skinny pirate. He had a pointed nose and always-so-messy hair.

''What's the matter, Pen?''

''Come on now, come down!'' said Penvil heartily.

''I can't... got some work to do!''

''Come on, man! It's so fuckin' awesome here. Come on now, I heard those Smith's twin daughters have put some sexy pixies costumes on, know what I mean?'' said Penvil breathlessly.

''No, you go!''

At these words; Penvil started pressing both his hands at his breasts as if they were balloons.

''Are you sure you won't come?'' Penvil was giggling now. It wasn't exactly a mystery as to what balloons he was thinking of.

''Nah!'' Alex yawned.

''OK then, Happy Halloween!'' yelled Penvil, though disappointedly and trotted off.
''Poor fella,'' he muttered, ''doesn't even know what pixies are."

"Pervert!" sighed Alex as he sat down heavily back into his chair.

The smell of chocolates and pumpkins hadn't died out the next morning when a shrilling cry of alarm-clock shook Tyler awake.

"It's half past six." he said. "yet another day to hell." he paused.

"School," he sighed finally.

His schedule was perfectly simple. First to get ready -breakfast- and off to the bus stop. He shared his bus stop with a girl named Krista. A blazing-red haired, round faced girl. It always seemed that she wanted to be friends with him. However, you can't befriend those who are already your friend. Though, Tyler never thought of her as a friend. To him, she was no more than a mild-nuisance. There were times when he would simply pretend as if she were a ghost and he couldn't see her standing right next to him.

As he started walking the school corridor he heard a voice coming from the school's old staff room. They were hissing. It didn't seem to him a usual reprimand. As he edged towards the window, They turned out to be Mr. Smith and a rather fat student. He was one of the teachers and taught History. Tyler took a glance and walked off.

"Hiya friend!" said Penvil who was standing right outside their classroom and it seemed he was waiting for Tyler. "Banged one of them!" he yelled, "Don't know who, you know, they are both quite the same."

"Eww man, on Halloween." A look of disgust on Tyler's face.

"Yeah man, on fuckin' Halloween." a mad gleam shining in his black devilish eyes. "D'you wanna know the details?"

"No," Tyler replied flatly.

Every now and then, Penvil would start blabbing about his weird movies' references, games and even about his wild fantasies. Even though they just all washed over Tyler. He didn't care if Thanos was a good guy or an asshole. Next was the history class.

"Unfortunately, Mr Smith will not take today's class." said a substitute. "He had to leave for personal reasons."

Tyler looked sideways at Penvil this time. Penvil didn't notice though. It was funny, he thought. Last night Penvil went to Smith's; to celebrate Halloween with Mr.Smith's daughters.

When the bell rang, both of them burst out of the classroom and walked along to the garden area. They walked through the knots of students kicking little ones' asses. Like any other school in town, Gregor High was supposed to be a school only till the classes were on. Once the bell had rung and the classes were now over; It would become more of a violent boxing ring; In their psyche they were no less than The Rock.

Soon, they were outside on the street watching students rocketing out onto the street in groups. As for Tyler and Penvil, there were always just two of them.

"Hey, Alessandro Tyler!" A voice rang out across the street; A teenage girl was trotting over. Her brilliant face shining alluringly in the warm sunshine with her fly-away hair; Her cherry lips smiling. It was Angelina Kompson.

"Hey, Angelina, did something happen?"

"No, well….yes, please give Krista her notebook, will you?"

"Sure," Tyler grasped the notebook and crammed it into his bag.

"Thank you," said Angelina jovially. "See ya later, then." she paused fleetingly. "You too Penvil."

No sooner than she was out of earshot that Penvil looked somewhere between mysteriously and humorously at Tyler and then started twitching his eyebrow.

"Oh, Shut up!"

Tyler spotted Krista the moment he had scrambled into the bus along with his friend Penvil. Nevertheless, he chose to give her the notebook later, possibly at their stop; Now that he had finally scrambled down the bus, innumerable star-like thoughts started circling his mind and therefore daunting him more still.

The last time he had talked to her was what seemed like ages ago. It wouldn't be so difficult, he thought, If he were just not talking to her but the fact Tyler had been ignoring Krista's presence for so long as though she were a Banshee was far more enough a reason to make her doesn't want to talk to him. Or it only seemed so;

"Hey, Tyler," said a soft voice.

All the stars which were circling his mind suddenly started shooting each other. Tyler, who was now totally bemused, looked around and sure enough it was Krista; her blazing-red hair flying over her round, freckled face.

"W-What happened, Krista?" he said; trying hard not to sound embarrassed.

"D'you happen to have my notebook?" she said in a cheerful voice.

"How do you.. know?"

"I think she wanted to talk to you. You know, earlier in the day, she asked me for a notebook of mine. Um, told me to take it from my friend." said Krista jovially.

"She.. wanted to talk to me?" he blurted out.

"Don't tell her I told you that" she added hastily.

An awkward silence fell into the deserted street beneath the canopy of dark clouds.

"Er..Tyler, did you know Katie… Mr. Smith's daughter?" She asked hesitantly.

"Not very much." he paused at once. "Hang on, what do you mean by 'did you know her'?"

Krista looked unsettled now.

"You don't know, do you?" she said in a low voice, looking at the bewilderment over Tyler's face. "Someone…" she paused.

"Katie Smith has been murdered."



Sarrriesfan
Posted: Sunday, September 19, 2021 7:10:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/30/2016
Posts: 2,947
Neurons: 18,730
Location: Luton, England, United Kingdom
Honestly no.
It doesn’t evoke enough of a sense of time and place, where is this town, when?
There is too much he said, without description of events and it skips too fast through things.

There is a truism in writing, write what you know, when J K Rowling wrote Harry Potter, although it’s a magical school the trappings, the atmosphere of it are all very British, as that’s where she was from. It seems more real because the small details are based in real life, okay Harry does Owl levels rather than the O-levels Rowling did but they seem right. Has your friend lived and been to school in the country where this school is supposed to be, does he really understand school life there?
Penz
Posted: Sunday, September 19, 2021 10:12:50 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/26/2021
Posts: 732
Neurons: 5,269
You are right.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Monday, September 20, 2021 8:50:41 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 46,117
Neurons: 656,064
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Agree with Sarries.
Grammatical mistakes, lack of flow in the text, no style... After reading the couple of first paragraphs, you just want to stop.
Sarrriesfan
Posted: Monday, September 20, 2021 1:26:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/30/2016
Posts: 2,947
Neurons: 18,730
Location: Luton, England, United Kingdom
Just a few more thoughts.

Penvil no one is named Penvil, where did they come up with that name?
Cobbled streets are rare, it’s not impossible by unlikely that Tyler lives somewhere with cobbled streets, most streets have asphalt or tarmac.

Tyler and Penvil are frankly unlikeable bullies, kicking little ones asses, acting like they are in a boxing ring etc.
Think back to Harry Potter, who do readers sympathise with Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle or Harry, Ron and Hermione. Without being too stereotypical book readers tend to be more like the latter than the former, they empathise with the little kids not the bullies.

The whole sexual politics of the conversation between the boys is a teenage boys fantasy of easily available, well endowed, pixie girls, it comes across as immature.
Denise Winebrenner
Posted: Tuesday, October 5, 2021 5:04:47 AM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 5/19/2021
Posts: 7
Neurons: 43
yes, it looks great!
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