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A romantic tragedy about... Options
Amybal
Posted: Monday, June 7, 2021 9:44:40 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A romantic tragedy about a street musician who is forced to grow out of his ignorance because of his first love or he would lose her forever.

Long summary
A romantic tragedy about a street musician who grows out of his ignorance because of his first love, Kasih Murni. On the day of her engagement with Bukhary, he did not arrive. However, thus humiliation was only the beginning of her misery as she continued to sacrifice parts of herself for him when she rediscovers him at the wrong place and time.
Wilmar (USA) 1M
Posted: Tuesday, June 8, 2021 7:33:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 6,031
Neurons: 1,323,576
Location: Vinton, Iowa, United States
The short summary is not a good sentence. The same is true of the first sentence in the long summary.
The beginning of the last long summary sentence doesn't work.
I am certain that you can work out these minor problems on your own.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, June 8, 2021 11:00:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
Yes. They don't communicate a clear idea. What ignorance does the musician grow out of, and why is his first love responsible for that?

Short summary
A romantic tragedy about a street musician who is forced to grow out of his ignorance because of his first love or he would lose her forever.

Apparently, he was supposed to appear at her party, but failed to do so. She was humiliated. But how did she sacrifice parts of herself for him? This makes no sense. And she "rediscovered" him at the wrong place and time? What does that mean? It sounds as if she discovered him at the wrong place and time, then discovered him again at the wrong place and time. It's very confusing.
Long summary
A romantic tragedy about a street musician who grows out of his ignorance because of his first love, Kasih Murni. On the day of her engagement with Bukhary, he did not arrive. However, thus humiliation was only the beginning of her misery as she continued to sacrifice parts of herself for him when she rediscovers him at the wrong place and time.


Amybal
Posted: Saturday, June 12, 2021 11:42:28 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Thank you FounDit and Wilmar (USA) 1M, will come out with a revise version.
Britaluno
Posted: Saturday, June 12, 2021 1:58:25 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/12/2021
Posts: 1
Neurons: 13
Thanks a lot derick for information.
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, June 12, 2021 2:58:27 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Try this:

Short summary
A romantic tragedy where a boy who has issues with honesty abandons a girl on their engagement day but is discovered to be the groom of her cousin's wedding years later.

Long summary
Sabda Bukhary, a street musician who pretends to be blind, has trouble with being honest in his relationships. He abandoned his first love, Kasih Murni, on the day of their engagement. After that, he met another girl, Alya Sufiah, whose father taught him to be better. On their wedding day, Kasih Murni discovers that he is the groom in her cousin's wedding.
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, June 12, 2021 7:02:43 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 15,996
Neurons: 76,374
Amybal wrote:
Try this:
It still feels a bit "off" and unnatural. It might be better if it is written from the young girl's point of view.

Short summary
A romantic tragedy wherein a girl is abandoned on the day of her engagement, only to later discover that the man who abandoned her now wants to marry her cousin.

Long summary
Kasih Murni is abandoned by her future husband, Sabda Bukhary, on the day of her engagement. Sabda has difficulty with honesty. He is a street musician who pretends to be blind. After meeting another girl, Alya Sufiah, he becomes a better person, with guidance from her father. When Sabda and Alya plan their wedding, it is then that Kasih learns her former beau intends to marry her cousin.


Amybal
Posted: Monday, June 14, 2021 9:51:01 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 1,425
Neurons: 7,312
Thank you FounDit.
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