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Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, August 8, 2020 11:51:53 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Throughout the Plantagenet age,
The Church occupied centre stage.
The monks' income waxed
Until they were axed
By Henry VIII in a rage.

There was a young lady from Leeds
Whose necklace had tiny brown beads.
The birds used to peck
At her shoulders and neck,
As they thought the small objects were seeds.

The host of a show on TV
Got drunk as he went on a spree.
The producer who hired him
Was angry, and fired him.
"Quite right!" said Lord Reith, the D-G.

Hope123
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 12:42:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Audiendus,where do you get the ideas for these great limericks?
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 9:09:00 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Hope123 wrote:
Audiendus,where do you get the ideas for these great limericks?

I get some of the ideas from things I have seen or read. Others just pop into my head from nowhere in particular. Then I decide on the rhyme sounds, and quickly go through the alphabet to find suitable consonants to precede those sounds. Then I build up the rest of the limerick from there.

I take care to put the stresses on the right syllables, so the limerick flows smoothly. Sometimes I am able to find a long word which is metrically just right, e.g:

He said to the nation:
"Reunification
Is quite an achievable goal".

History and geography provide plenty of ideas. I try to pack as much detail in as I can. Foreign phrases, e.g. in French, are another resource. Philosophical themes, humorous dialogues – I aim for variety!
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 9:44:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
You really do a good job. I always check when I see a new post here.

And yes, it is very important that it flows smoothly. The one dictionary from which I get a daily word email has a compendium at the end of the week. As well as telling about their experiences with the words, some also write limericks using the week's words. Most are good but sometimes the beat is off.

That is neat when you find just the right word as you did here with ’reunification'. LOL | wanted the rest of that limerick.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 10:42:16 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Hope123 wrote:
That is neat when you find just the right word as you did here with ’reunification'. LOL | wanted the rest of that limerick.

The West German Chancellor Kohl
Resolved to make Germany whole.
He said to the nation:
"Reunification
Is quite an achievable goal".
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 11:38:20 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Ask and ye shall receive...


Applause Applause Applause
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, August 9, 2020 11:45:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
Audiendus is quite the defender
Of poetry made as a weekender
His rhythm is pure
Of that he makes sure
We know he will never surrender
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, August 15, 2020 8:10:12 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A cricket coach said to his team:
"Now, concentrate hard and don't dream.
If we lose this key match
Through another dropped catch,
I'll breathe down your earholes and scream!"

When I was a schoolkid in Wembley,
We dreaded each morning assembly
In case we were named
And publicly shamed
By the Head, who would make us all trembly.

In Europe's Dark Ages, the fighting
Gave no time for painting or writing.
But when princes and kings
Got a firm grip of things,
The arts became much more exciting.

Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, August 18, 2020 9:37:31 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
For any professional actor,
Stage presence is quite a big factor.
It isn't enough
To memorize stuff;
Charisma's the major attractor.

There was a young man in a cave
Whom locals called Dangerous Dave.
In spite of this name
He was perfectly tame,
And used to give tourists a wave.

A biplane was crossing the Channel,
With a primitive instrument panel.
The turbulent air
Gave the pilot a scare,
And he mopped his hot brow with a flannel.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, September 2, 2020 9:35:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,240
Neurons: 637,111
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
There once was a man called Ted Topper
Who fed his wife into a hopper
The outcome was grim
and the cops said to him
You are so for the meat grinder/chopper.

But Ted ran off fast
and was found at the last
On a ship bound for old England's shores
So he jumped overboard with his huge stolen hoard
and died on the bed on all fours.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, September 3, 2020 3:14:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,240
Neurons: 637,111
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
On the sea bed Ted breathed his last breath
As he quietly met a slow death,
Some fish swimming past
Looked perplexed and aghast
Saying 'The sea air down here's not the best'.
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, September 3, 2020 9:11:40 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
The life of a lady-in-waiting
Could often be very frustrating.
To keep monarchs sweet
Through long hours on one's feet
Was stressful, it hardly needs stating.

Inflexible teachers in schools
Are keen to enforce petty rules.
There's one I shall mention
Who gave me detention
For incorrect stacking of stools.

I heard an old lady confess:
"When young, I met Hitler, no less.
He tickled my chin
On a street in Berlin,
And scrawled 'Strength through Joy' on my dress".

There once was a frivolous nun
Who asked "Is it wrong to have fun?"
The abbess said "No,
As long as you go
'Hail Mary' as soon as you're done".

This year the whole planet has been
Afflicted by Covid-19.
Beware of its dangers:
Avoid kissing strangers,
Wear face masks, and keep your hands clean.
Kıvılcım Gündoğdu
Posted: Friday, September 11, 2020 8:56:22 AM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/2/2020
Posts: 35
Neurons: 193,533
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
“But even friendship like our heroes'
Exist no more; for we've outgrown
All sentiments and deem men zeroes--
Except of course ourselves alone.
We all take on Napoleon's features,
And millions of our fellow creatures
Are nothing more to us than tools...
Since feelings are for freaks and fools.
Eugene, of course, had keen perceptions
And on the whole despised mankind,
Yet wasn't, like so many, blind;
And since each rule permits exceptions,
He did respect a noble few,
And, cold himself, gave warmth its due.”
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Sunday, September 13, 2020 8:44:07 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,240
Neurons: 637,111
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
With hindsight the historian saw
what had happened at the battle of Law
At the top of the hill
King James met King Will
And shouted out loud for his Maw.
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, September 17, 2020 10:08:23 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Our lives are a stream of emotions
And sundry bewildering notions.
Some manage to cope
Through patience and hope,
But others need pills or strong potions.

A boy was suspended from school.
His father complained: "By what rule?"
"Alas", said the Head,
"He shot a cat dead,
And called me an ignorant fool!"

"'Tis clear", Bishop Berkeley opined,
"That everything's all in the mind.
Some folk have decided
My views are misguided,
But frankly, I think that's unkind".
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Saturday, September 19, 2020 11:04:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 13,240
Neurons: 637,111
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Unmasked, they gathered together
Mostly not put off by the weather
They did cough and did sneeze
Right into the breeze
And they died at the end of their tether.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2020 10:18:25 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
My grandfather's album of snaps,
Though tatty, with various gaps,
Has spectacular views
Of falling V2s
And suicide missions by Japs.

When sports players get too obsessive,
Their play becomes over-aggressive.
The best referees
Say "Cool it, guys, please!"
Their signals are firm and expressive.

Two arrogant dons used to bicker
About who could calculate quicker.
As they found to their cost,
The contestant who lost
Was the one who'd consumed the most liquor.
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, October 3, 2020 11:44:48 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A man was attacked by an adder
While climbing a thirty-foot ladder.
Had a ledge on the wall
Not broken his fall,
This story would be a lot sadder.

The brass hats consider it fair
To strafe unarmed folk from the air,
But deem it unsound
For troops on the ground
To gun down civilians there.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, October 23, 2020 10:02:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a meek fellow called Morgan,
Whose wife was a bit of a gorgon.
When she started to grapple,
He'd flee to the chapel
And play soothing hymns on the organ.

Explorers are quite a rare bunch;
They're brave when it comes to the crunch.
For if vultures descend
And you shout "I'm your friend!"
The birds will say "No, you're our lunch".

A young tennis player called Polly
Produced an unstoppable volley.
It hit the baseline
And a 'No Smoking' sign,
Then trashed a spectator's ice lolly.

The pilot said "Ladies and gents,
Let's hope that this hailstorm relents.
On arrival in Spain
They'll examine the plane –
They'll probably find a few dents".
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, November 5, 2020 9:05:22 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
These Covid precautions are hell.
Last Monday I didn't feel well;
The doc said "Your hands
Have dark flaky bands.
You probably used the wrong gel".

There was an old Tory backbencher
Who was plagued by an ill-fitting denture.
Some Labour MPs
Would roar: "Go on, sneeze!"
Which brought forth the Speaker's firm censure.
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, November 5, 2020 9:41:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 9,705
Neurons: 55,556
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
You go, Audiendus!
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, November 17, 2020 12:31:27 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Estate agents look on the bright side;
If a house is a bit on the tight side,
They'll call it 'compact'.
If the left side is cracked,
Their photos will all show the right side.

"The Martians", declared my aunt Janet,
"Intend to take over our planet".
I laughed, but she snorted:
"They've got it all sorted.
My crystal ball can't be wrong, can it?"
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, November 27, 2020 9:06:15 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 6,872
Neurons: 1,301,315
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A colourful colonel in NATO
Would often quote sayings by Plato
In meetings with staff,
And make them all laugh
By chewing raw chunks of potato.

The scope of the internet's vast;
You can find what you want very fast.
You needn't leave home
Or search a large tome
As fact-seekers did in the past.

A philatelist said, with great glee:
"Oh, look! There's an upside-down E
On this stamp. It's a freak
Which may be unique.
It could be worth thousands – we'll see!"
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