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Profile: Nikitus
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User Name: Nikitus
Forum Rank: Advanced Member
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Gender: Male
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Joined: Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Last Visit: Tuesday, July 17, 2018 11:26:08 PM
Number of Posts: 332
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  Last 10 Posts
Topic: That discovery, which came from his hallucinations
Posted: Tuesday, July 17, 2018 11:26:07 PM
Hello.


First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"That discovery, which came from his hallucinations, caused his maniacal energy to be diluted, with which he would feel an overwhelming fatigue that would make him sleep in the armchair of his apartment. The next day in the morning, he would wake up in the middle of the disaster in which his apartment was turned and would fix his sight on a news item that appeared in a newspaper that was on the floor."

Thanks.
Topic: He arrived at his apartment, distancing himself
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2018 10:17:34 AM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your time and help.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"He arrived at his apartment, distancing himself more and more from reality. He calmly sat in the dining room, maniacally writing down patterns of the wooden letters of the alphabets cubes, also including the flyer on a sheet of paper, with intricate labyrinths and symbols only he could understand."

Thanks.
Topic: After he took the flyer, he made a strange gesture
Posted: Tuesday, July 3, 2018 11:05:29 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"After he took the flyer, he made a strange gesture with his hand to the young man, implying in a cryptic way that he appreciated and understood the message that was supposedly being delivered to him. After walking one block, he saw a street vendor who was selling alphabet letters of the alphabet in plastic bags. The street vendor kicked involuntary one of the plastic bags. After that fact, Tim decided immediately to buy the product."

Thanks.
Topic: Wandering without a destination through the streets
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2018 10:36:28 AM
Dear Drag0nspeaker:

Thanks for your thank you for your advice.

I think that at this point I am still trying to improve my grammar since I still make mistakes, which would deconcentrate the reader or make him fail to understand the idea that I intend to transmit (the reader may not like or care about the story but I feel that the reader could not even understand it to judge it if the grammar is a disaster).

That is why my intention is to ask is about the grammar but I always appreciate everybody opinion as editors or as readers.

I will read the links and I will read your advice since it is very important for me to keep improving.

Once again thanks for all your help and time.

Topic: Wandering without a destination through the streets
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2018 12:32:30 AM
First of all, thanks for your help and time.


Romany wrote:
Nikitus: a few points which you may find useful to keep in mind.

The purpose of a sentence is to get a particular point across. Your first sentence deals with multiple points: It's his birthday. He's wandering aimlessly. He's disturbed by recent events. He is wearing his backpack & amulet. He walked 3 blocks. Do every one of those points deserve equal time and stress? Or are some of them just included for the same reason: to provide a picture of Tim, Consider: -

"On his birthday, Tim found himself aimlessly wandering the streets." The main point of the sentence is to show he was just wandering around with his mind elsewhere. I don't know if the fact that it was his birthday becomes important later on - so I used it to introduce the "aimless wanderings". If it never comes up again there's no point even mentioning it.


"Wandering the streets with lost eyes immersed in his chaotic and contradictory thoughts after the recent events, Tim walked with his backpack and amulet around his neck for three blocks; it was his birthday.

In previous parts of the story it is explained how is his transition towards this state of madness in which he lives in a reverie, in his own dream that he feels real.. In this madness, caused by an unscrupulous person who takes advantage of his mental state, he invents new rituals, associating the number of blocks he must walk with his birthday (that day was not his birthday)


This immediately makes the reader wonder "why" he's doing this:
"His mind was in turmoil over the recent events and he couldn't tear his confused thoughts away from what had taken place."


Previously it is explained that an unscrupulous man, with a group of people make him believe that he was visited by a ghost the night before.


Now the Olympus bit. Is this integral to the story? Is Tim some modern supporter of 2000/3000 year-old beliefs? Will this peculiarity of his affect his actions throughout the story? Does it drive his behaviour? If so, that's fine.


About Olympus it is related with the spirit of Athenea that visited him. A group of people lead by an uniscrupulous man, made him believe that he was visited by Athenea.

If not, then it fits into what's called "Author intrusion" i.e. the only point it serves is to illustrate that the Writer knows the history of the Olympian gods. If the reader doesn't, you've lost their attention.

The Olympus is related with the visit of "Athenea"

However, there's also another problem: you said he was walking "the streets". Plural. Now you say that only AFTER he had been walking 3 blocks did he go from the street he was on to another: this means he wasn't, previously, "wandering the streets" but "wandering down a particular street" for 3 blocks. D'you see?

He was walking for 10 minutes. Arbitrarily he decided to count 3 blocks as part of his new ritual

"Paranoia". You've previously said he was confused and chaotically thing about things that had happened. There's nothing in the least bit paranoid about that. It's a normal human reaction: something happens to us and we have to digest it, think about it, see how it fits into other parts of our life.


The paranoia is related with his mental state after the visit of the ghost

"His offering" - obviously referring to something that has already happened. If, however, it is merely said as having some sort of relevance to Olympus it's merely confusing, and has the Reader asking a whole lot of questions regarding it.

The offering is related to the visit of Athenea. She asked for the offerings


When we write we have to have someone else in our mind: the reader. We may have a large vocabulary, and have lots of knowledge - but we don't write to show this to people. We write to communicate with others...at a level they understand.


It is possible that my vocabulary in English is very limited. The opposite happens in Spanish, which is my native language. I agree that it is not necessary to use elaborate words, but I think that showing interesting elements in some parts is part of the charm or magic of a book (I consider a good book as an art form), or part of a style.

"Walking with lost eyes" is a good phrase. But it just doesn't fit in here. The points you made were that his mind was in chaos and his thoughts confused. So in fact he is engaged in deep contemplation - not 'lost' - which implies 'vacant' eyes?

He has a mixture of feelings and states within him, even some contradictory ones. The ghost is a catalyst for many of these, as it confronts demons from its past, but also seeks to be at peace, return to its safe area and many others.

This may all sound pretty harsh and as though I'm tearing up everything you wrote. I hope not. The intention was to use the few lines - out of the thousands I'm sure you've written your life - to illustrate a few points that will help in the future with your writing:

- Short sentences which make a particular point.
- Imagining who your readers are and writing for them.
- Not giving away your own thoughts or knowledge when you're writing for - and about - someone else.
- Careful choice of the words one uses as the BEST choice in particular sentences.
- Re-reading carefully to make sure that, though the scene is clear in one's own mind, it will be equally clear to the Reader.
- Even if one has thought of a great phrase, don't hesitate to cut it out if it doesn't fit.(This can be hard. But the perfect place will come up one day!)
- Cut out any detail that doesn't move the story forward.




I want to thank all the time you took to help me. I tried to answer each one to explain myself in a better way in relation to my initial consultation. I will read your comments again to improve my written English and my writing style.


Topic: Wandering without a destination through the streets
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2018 9:36:29 AM
Thanks to Gabriel82, ChrisKC and Drag0nspeaker for his help.


This is the new version.


"Wandering the streets with lost eyes immersed in his chaotic and contradictory thoughts after the recent events, Tim walked with his backpack and amulet around his neck for three blocks; it was his birthday. After the three blocks he moved from one street to another, thinking it was a sign from the gods of Olympus. He realized in his own paranoia that walking the three blocks must be part of his offering. When he crossed the street, a young man gave him a flyer. Tim stopped and looked at the boy trying to decipher this new signal."

Thanks
Topic: Wandering without a destination through the streets
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2018 12:31:47 AM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time!


Are the following sentences grammatically correct?




"Wandering without a destination through the streets, with his eyes lost, immersed in his chaotic and contradictory thoughts, Tim walked with his backpack and his amulet around his neck, for three blocks, on his birthday, to then move on to the other, which he had determined almost as a sign from the gods of Olympus that it would be part of his offering ritual. When he crossed the street, a young man gave him a flyer. SAM stops, and looked at the boy."



Thanks.
Topic: That night, despite the advise of his friend
Posted: Monday, June 11, 2018 1:54:57 AM
Here is the new version.

Are the following sentences gramatically correct?

"That night, despite the advice of his friend to stop overthinking about what happened last night, the ghosts and demons of his past intensified, until they became almost real. The nostalgia and melancholia overwhelmed him, causing his mental state to get even worse. That's why the next morning he walked to the closet and took an old metal box and carefully opened it. Tim placed a wooden amulet around his neck."

Thanks.
Topic: That night, despite the advise of his friend
Posted: Saturday, June 9, 2018 1:35:22 AM
thar wrote:
Check your spelling


Remember a block of ice:
'ice' is a noun, 'is' is a verb.

I will check it, but where is it?


You have a problem with cause and effect
despite ------, the ghosts came

Ok. My intention was write that despite the advice of his friend he still was thinking in his own ghost and the mistakes of the past.

That means the ghosts came despite the advice that Tim's friend had given them (given the ghosts).
It is missing a logical link.

I tried to write that despite the advise of the friend of Tim, he persisted in live in the mistakes of past, in the wrong sense of melancholy

What was supposed to stop the ghosts?

The advice of his friend could make him reflect, to think that he must confront the demons of his past and not live anchored in the melancholy of the mistakes of his past without facing them.


The advice itself could not stop the ghosts - it must have been something Tim was supposed to do. Did he follow that advice, for example?


Tim did not follow the advise and he did not even think about it.


Topic: That night, despite the advise of his friend
Posted: Friday, June 8, 2018 10:50:21 AM
Hello.

First of all, thanks your time and help.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"That night, despite the advise of his friend, the ghosts and demons of his past intensified, until they became almost real. The nostalgia and melancholia overwhelmed him, causing his mental state to get even worse. That's why the next morning he walked to the closet and took an old metal box and carefully opened it. Tim placed a wooden amulet around his neck."

Thanks.

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