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Profile: Nikitus
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User Name: Nikitus
Forum Rank: Advanced Member
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Gender: Male
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Joined: Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Last Visit: Wednesday, April 24, 2019 8:52:10 PM
Number of Posts: 404
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  Last 10 Posts
Topic: Turning towards the whiteboard, the teacher Amy
Posted: Wednesday, April 24, 2019 5:25:33 PM
First of all, thanks for your help.

I checked it, and I made a mistake.

This is the scheme that I want to write.




This is my new attemp:


"Turning towards the whiteboard, the teacher Amy wrote: Philosophy, in a line inclined upwards Existentialism, and then in another horizontal line write Materialism. After the above, in a line inclined down Postmodernism.

In the same location as Existentialism, but a little more to the right it drew a line and then she wrote Expressionism. On a downward sloping line she wrote surrealism.

After that, In the same location as Materialism, Amy drew a straigh line and then wrote Pop Art

And finally, in the same location as Postmodernism, she again drew a drew a straigh line and then wrote Cubism."

Thanks.

Topic: Turning towards the whiteboard, the teacher Amy
Posted: Tuesday, April 23, 2019 11:54:58 PM
First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"Turning towards the whiteboard, the teacher Amy wrote: Philosophy, in a line inclined upwards Existentialism, and then in another horizontal line write Materialism. After the above, in a line inclined down Postmodernism, next to another line inclined up, she wrote Expressionism. Finally on a downward sloping line she wrote surrealism."

Thanks.
Topic: That phrase transformed the face of the students
Posted: Wednesday, April 10, 2019 4:46:22 PM
FounDit wrote:
Nikitus wrote:
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time to help me to improve my writing english.

A phrase cannot transform faces. Hearing, or reacting to hearing, a phrase could do that, but I don't know what the phrase is, of course. I don't understand the "pressed through whistles, etc.", or why this would occur.

Josh was sleeping in his chair before walking to the whiteboard? And once there he was in a blank?

Too much is missing to be able to help you with this. We would need more information. Sorry.


"That phrase transformed the face of the students, who pressed through whistles mixed with a few shouts of encouragement to Josh so he walked towards the whiteboard. Knowing that there was no escape, the young man woke up from his char and walked in a sepulchral silence. Petrified in front of the whiteboard, he was in blank, without any reaction."


Thanks.



Dear FounDit:


First of all, thanks for your answer. The context is the following:

The young teacher, Trish, stood before the class writing incessantly on the whiteboard. For the second time this week, she had arrived late and had to pass all the chapter to avoid being challenged again by the Principal.

The noise in a low but incessant tone from the last row of the classroom became a torture for the teacher, who despite her effort, decided to carrying out the plan she had hatched in her mind months ago against the main instigator.

-Come on Todd, don't be shy, the teacher said, approaching the young man's bench until, giving him the whiteboard pen that she was using. And if you don't do what I'am asking you to do soon, you will not have recess today, nad nether will your classmates.

That phrase transformed the face of the students, who pressed through whistles mixed with a few shouts of encouragement to Josh so he walked towards the whiteboard. Knowing that there was no escape, the young man woke up from his char and walked in a sepulchral silence. Petrified in front of the whiteboard, he was in blank, without any reaction.



Topic: That phrase transformed the face of the students
Posted: Tuesday, April 9, 2019 8:36:48 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time to help me to improve my writing english.



"That phrase transformed the face of the students, who pressed through whistles mixed with a few shouts of encouragement to Josh so he walked towards the whiteboard. Knowing that there was no escape, the young man woke up from his char and walked in a sepulchral silence. Petrified in front of the whiteboard, he was in blank, without any reaction."


Thanks.
Topic: In the classroom in front of the art class
Posted: Tuesday, April 2, 2019 10:36:28 PM
First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

I want to ask about the following sentences.

"In the classroom in front of the art class, professor Trish, a young woman who wore jeans and a red vest, wrote incessantly on the whiteboard. For the second time in the week she had arrived late and had to pass all the material to avoid be challenged again by the Principal."

Thanks.
Topic: Rising from his seat with a smile on his face
Posted: Monday, March 11, 2019 4:19:10 PM
FounDit wrote:
Also, writing is an art. Not everyone can write well. Even people who try to write in their native language may not be very good at it. The word choices, the style of writing (which is the "voice" the author uses"); all these influence how an author writes. The combination of an excellent vocabulary, a skill in creating sentences, in crating a plot, and the choices of how to combine all those form the art of writing. That said, I think if you want to write in English, you have to "think" in English. This would be true in any language.



Yes, you are right.
Topic: Rising from his seat with a smile on his face
Posted: Monday, March 11, 2019 4:16:06 PM
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Hi again.
A question - which may help with future answers - Is this your own writing in Spanish, which you then translate into English? or is it a paragraph from a Spanish story or novel which you are translating to English?

Your grammar is pretty good (probably as good as many English people's grammar) - you don't use adjectives as adverbs, you usually use the correct tense (or you ask) and so on.
Most of the 'corrections' or 'suggestions' we seem to give are about 'sentence structure' - and that may be because the original Spanish sentences just don't work when translated literally.
I don't know Spanish (except a few odd words), but looking at Latin or French (which are similar in some ways) . . .
If I simply translated a sentence from English and then back into English, it could sound very odd.

The grass on the hill is not green.
The grass not is not green on the hill. or even
Grass not is not on the hill green.

You may have to read the Spanish sentence, make sure that you understand it, then write what you understand in English. It's not quite so simple, but may produce the end result more easily.

*******
I understand about sentence-length. If you use ONLY simple, one-verb, one-clause sentences, a story would sound very strange - staccato.
If you tell the whole story in one complex/compound sentence, it can be unreadable.
However, achieving a balance is very much "writing style".
We, as readers (not as writers), can say "that sounds a bit odd" or "that sentence seems too complex" - but that can only help so far. To go the rest of the way, you probably need a writer, or - even better - someone who has successfully taught writers.



The sentences are created by me and then translated. One mistake may be to shorten them so that everything I want to ask fits in one post.

You're right, I'm going to rethink my next questions to not make the same mistakes.


Topic: Rising from his seat with a smile on his face
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2019 1:36:53 AM
Nikitus wrote:
Nikitus wrote:
thar wrote:
I will just add a thought. I don't want it to look like we are ganging up on you, so I will keep it short. And I don't forget that you are writing and I am not, so that puts anything you write at better than anything I write! So please don't feel criticised, except in a good way!

I appreciate your comments. I think that with it one advances and learns. Personally I think that if you wanted to write about a topic that interests you, you would do very well.


Although everyone has their own style of writing, yours is definitely hard to read. It feels unfocused, with a single sentence containing ideas about what they did, and what they thought, and what had happened to them, and who they were.
I think you are focusing so much on the language technique - relative clauses, participle clauses etc, that you have forgotten that the reader needs each sentence to have one idea or group of related ideas. An action or a thought - something that moves the story on and makes you want to know what happens next.

I think there may be a problem in thinking in Spanish, trying to translate into English and also shortening the sentences so that sentences are not too long to not abuse of the goodwill of this forum. On the other hand if the sentences are too short, I would have to put all the previous context. But maybe this is a good solution.


Ask yourself 'what is the main point of this sentence?' They moved? They did something? They thought something? what had happened before? Then you can add more detail, colour. What they were thinking as they moved? Where they were moving as they thought? But only one or two extra ideas, or the whole sentence becomes so muddled with subsidiary phrases and clauses you don't know what the main point is.

You are right


If your story were a journey, you have so many diversions the poor traveller gets lost! You can point out the interesting scenery along the way, but your passenger still needs to feel that you are going somewhere.



Once again, you are right. I want to avoid the fact that I want to cover many things and not focus on something specific.
Topic: Rising from his seat with a smile on his face
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2019 1:35:26 AM
Nikitus wrote:
thar wrote:
I will just add a thought. I don't want it to look like we are ganging up on you, so I will keep it short. And I don't forget that you are writing and I am not, so that puts anything you write at better than anything I write! So please don't feel criticised, except in a good way!

I appreciate your comments. I think that with it one advances and learns. Personally I think that if you wanted to write about a topic that interests you, you would do very well.


Although everyone has their own style of writing, yours is definitely hard to read. It feels unfocused, with a single sentence containing ideas about what they did, and what they thought, and what had happened to them, and who they were.
I think you are focusing so much on the language technique - relative clauses, participle clauses etc, that you have forgotten that the reader needs each sentence to have one idea or group of related ideas. An action or a thought - something that moves the story on and makes you want to know what happens next.

I think there may be a problem in thinking in Spanish, trying to translate into English and also shortening the sentences so that sentences are not too long to not abuse of the goodwill of this forum. On the other hand if the sentences are too short, I would have to put all the previous context. But maybe this is a good solution.


Ask yourself 'what is the main point of this sentence?' They moved? They did something? They thought something? what had happened before? Then you can add more detail, colour. What they were thinking as they moved? Where they were moving as they thought? But only one or two extra ideas, or the whole sentence becomes so muddled with subsidiary phrases and clauses you don't know what the main point is.

You are right


If your story were a journey, you have so many diversions the poor traveller gets lost! You can point out the interesting scenery along the way, but your passenger still needs to feel that you are going somewhere.
Topic: Rising from his seat with a smile on his face
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2019 1:34:06 AM
thar wrote:
I will just add a thought. I don't want it to look like we are ganging up on you, so I will keep it short. And I don't forget that you are writing and I am not, so that puts anything you write at better than anything I write! So please don't feel criticised, except in a good way!

I appreciate your comments. I think that with it one advances and learns. Personally I think that if you wanted to write about a topic that interests you, you would do very well.


Although everyone has their own style of writing, yours is definitely hard to read. It feels unfocused, with a single sentence containing ideas about what they did, and what they thought, and what had happened to them, and who they were.
I think you are focusing so much on the language technique - relative clauses, participle clauses etc, that you have forgotten that the reader needs each sentence to have one idea or group of related ideas. An action or a thought - something that moves the story on and makes you want to know what happens next.

I think there may be a problem in thinking in Spanish, trying to translate into English and also shortening the sentences so that sentences are not too long to not abuse of the goodwill of this forum. On the other hand if the sentences are too short, I would have to put all the previous context. But maybe this is a good solution.


Ask yourself 'what is the main point of this sentence?' They moved? They did something? They thought something? what had happened before? Then you can add more detail, colour. What they were thinking as they moved? Where they were moving as they thought? But only one or two extra ideas, or the whole sentence becomes so muddled with subsidiary phrases and clauses you don't know what the main point is.

If your story were a journey, you have so many diversions the poor traveller gets lost! You can point out the interesting scenery along the way, but your passenger still needs to feel that you are going somewhere.

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