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Profile: Nikitus
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User Name: Nikitus
Forum Rank: Advanced Member
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Gender: Male
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Joined: Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Last Visit: Thursday, November 8, 2018 11:26:56 PM
Number of Posts: 366
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  Last 10 Posts
Topic: His face changed when he didn't find his favorite shoes
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 11:26:56 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your time and help.

I want to ask about the following sentences.

"His face changed when he didn't find his favorite shoes, begining a desperate search for his entire room, between his shoes, clothes, under the bed which greatly increased his anxiety."

Thanks.
Topic: Jeff, a man clearly overweight
Posted: Monday, November 5, 2018 10:10:56 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your time and help.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"Jeff, a man clearly overweight woke up in an apartment whose walls had recently been painted in white. He had the feeling that he had overslept, and would be late again. He confirmed that by looking at his alarm clock, which was thirty years old and he cared for it as one of his favorite treasures."

Thanks.
Topic: Inside a room that seemed
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2018 8:19:26 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"Inside a room that seemed stopped in time, there were old magazines stacked messily on the desk, surrounded by different items of collection such as coins, key rings and toys along with some old products out of circulation that had not been opened."

Thanks.
Topic: As they made her way to the store
Posted: Monday, October 15, 2018 10:51:56 PM
Hello.

Thanks for all your help and time to improve my written english.

Are the following sentences grammaticaly correct?

"As they made her way to the store, Lily watched Ted without understand what was happening, because the enthusiasm of him contrasted with the fear that Ted had shown toward the ghosts the previous time. Now he seemed convinced about his theory of ghost and what he needed to do. Lily was afraid that it was a new trick by Bernard."

Thanks.
Topic: The girl arrived five minutes behind
Posted: Monday, October 1, 2018 10:40:35 PM
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all the help and time.


Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"The girl arrived five minutes behind, greeted him profusely with a smile in her face, which disconcerted Bill. A long time ago he had been observing people from far away, like a hermit who always returns to his cave, but unlike them, Bill simply preferred to evade himself and relate to very few people."

Thanks.
Topic: On many previous occasions
Posted: Saturday, September 8, 2018 12:49:52 AM
Dear FounDit: Once again, thanks for your help.


FounDit wrote:
Nikitus wrote:
Hello.

Once again thanks for all your help and time.

I want to ask about the following sentences.
It seems strange to me that he is calm, yet chasing people away at the same time. That seems the opposite of calm. I'm not sure what picture you are trying to create with that.

Also, was he lying on the old mattress, or sitting on it? It isn't clear.
I expected to see the word "open" in relation to forcing the door, but "forced the door" can work; "open" is implied.

"On many previous occasions he had chased away the customers from the street vendors and he seemed to be calm about it. But when he was on the old mattress on the floor of his improvised room, he was attentive and alert in case one of them forced the door and sought revenge."


Thanks.




The old vagabond scared the customers to the street vendors, explaining to the tourists that the products were a scam. Despite the discomfort and persecution of them, he was calm, since previously he had done many times. Although he was also calm to be strong against the claim of street vendors.


Thank you very much for your help.





Topic: A young man who had been welcomed a couple
Posted: Saturday, September 8, 2018 12:45:14 AM
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Hi Nikitus!

I'm not a writer. I'm an insatiable reader. Over years, I have seen patterns in 'what I like', 'what I don't like', what is easy to read, what styles are too much trouble to bother with etc.

If you need to say all those things - if they are important to the dynamics of the story - then each subject should have a sentence (or maybe two related subjects could share one sentence) - if there is a lot to say then each subject might be a paragraph.

The young man arriving, being welcomed and so wanting to protect the salesmen (vendors) would be one subject-group.

The old vagabond feeling that the vendors were cheating customers might be another subject.
The old vagabond scaring the customers off might be another subject - or may be combined with the last one.

The young man wanting to attack the vagabond, without realising that the vendors were criminals (cheats) would be another subject.

The experienced vendor understanding why Chuck acted as he did - and so intervening (stopping the attack) would be the last subject.

*************
The amount written about each depends on how important each bit of data is. Some of the subject might be missed out completely if they are not important.
However, they would not all be written into one sentence.

***************
Another subject - totally separate note.

"Gray-haired" does not mean "wise" or "experienced" or "knowing the facts" or "knowing how to react correctly" - it means 'having gray hair'.
You could use the fact that he had gray hair to reinforce a statement about how experienced and wise he was - but just saying his hair was gray doesn't do it - it just seems like a totally unnecessary bit of data. Millions of people have gray hair - it's like saying "he was stopped by an average-height salesman".





Dear Drag0nspeaker: Once again I appreciate your help to improve my grammar.

I totally agree with what you propose.

I will study the concepts delivered to improve my written English.


Again thank you very much.
Topic: A young man who had been welcomed a couple
Posted: Saturday, September 8, 2018 12:40:53 AM
Parpar1836 wrote:
You are always welcome, Nikitus. That's the beauty of an online forum such as this; it's like a round-table discussion with a group of veteran English writers, new learners, and students. Anyone can ask any question, and the discussion is bound to be lively, with lots of helpful criticism.

The advice of Thar, Romany, and Palapaguy (and NKM too) is always sterling. In telling an effective story, less is usually more. Trying to pack in all sorts of details (not all of it equally relevant) into each sentence results in run-on clauses, dangling participles, wordiness, and confusion—things that skilled writers studiously avoid. But you continue to improve with practice—you are indeed making good progress.

I would also suggest reading outstanding prose by classic authors—Jane Austen, Joseph Conrad, Stephen Crane, Theodore Dreiser, etc. I have a particular fondness for Dorothy Canfield Fisher, and right now I'm reading Andrea Barrett's Ship Fever.

Hemingway is upheld as the exemplar of the minimalist style. I've read A Farewell to Arms and The Sun Also Rises, which are said to be superior to his later work. There is no need to imitate Hemingway's pared-down sentences, but you can read a variety of good writers and absorb their lessons—choosing the right word, shaping your sentences so that each sentence contributes to the story, using a variety of constructions, with variation in the length and rhythm of sentences. This, of course, takes a lot of work. Even lifelong English writers struggle with this . . . which is why we have that sacred precept known as "reworking a rough draft." But the results should look clean and clear, effortless. Getting that "effortless" quality takes a LOT of hard work.




Thanks for your time, help and advice. Although I like to read, so far I have done it exclusively in my native language. The only English book I have at the moment is "The Great Gatsby" (F. Scott Fitzgerald).

I recently read in spanish "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip Kindred Dick. Although I first saw the film (Blade Runner, which takes elements from other scripts as I understand), I was interested in going deeper and I quite liked the book by an author who I thought was quite talented.

I appreciate your advice. I will read the work of the recommended authors.
Topic: A young man who had been welcomed a couple
Posted: Friday, September 7, 2018 11:18:33 AM
Dear Romany: Once again, thanks for your help.


Romany wrote:



Nikitus - would you forgive me if I give you some general advice here? As Thar says, your tense usage is improving, but your sentences are still far too long to read comfortably; and there is far too much unecessary detail.

The purpose of the sentence is to tell us that a newcomer wanted to kick down Chucks door, but one of the veteran street sellers stopped him.

It doesn't matter if the newcomer had been welcomed or not. The fact that the the man who stopped him had grey hair doesn't matter either.Unless they are going to become important characters in the story, whether the two people mentioned are young or old has no significance.It's the time they have spent here, dealing with Chuck that matters. The newcomer was obviously upset "by what he was witnessing" - we wouldn't assume in this context that he was upset because a customer had been rude to him, or because his wife/mother had scolded him that morning.

You know what the most common advice given to a writer is? It's "Cut, cut, cut." And that's often the hardest thing for a new writer to do!

That's why we make a "first draft". Once that's written, we go through it, asking ourself what we NEED to say. And, although we are all sure that every single word we write sounds good, when we read it thinking "OK, but what is NECESSARY for the reader to get the picture?" we have to be stern and cut out anything that isn't needed, no matter how well we feel we've expressed it.

I hope you will think about this a little and try to apply it whenever you are writing in English. It may be completely different in your own language and literature. But if you're writing in English this is one of the primary injunctions.








Thank you so much for your advice. I must be honest and recognize that when I write in my native language (Spanish) the same thing happens to me. People who have read what I write have told me about it.

In the example that you told me, I wrote it that way because of the following:

I tried to tell (in previous posts) that the old vagabond who lived in a improvised house, scared the customers who had the street vendors, since they sold with a high price, products that they knew in advance that they did not work.

The fact that the newly arrived salesman insisted on fighting (even to the point of physical violence) with the old vagabond, indicates that he did not know the dynamics of how things were happening or that he did not recognize that he was cheating the tourists. Similarly, the fact that it is described that the street vendor with whitened hair stopped him, indicates that given his experience, he knew how to react adequately to the facts.

However, as I mentioned earlier, I am aware that I am giving too much detail and this is condensed in a few lines.


Thank you very much.
Topic: A young man who had been welcomed a couple
Posted: Friday, September 7, 2018 10:52:49 AM
Dear Parpar1836: Thanks for all your time and help.


Parpar1836 wrote:
The young man had been welcomed a couple of days ago by the sector's street vendors. Upset by what he was witnessing, he wanted to go further and kick down the door of old Chuck's house. But he was stopped by a gray-haired salesman who had been peddling sneakers on that street for many years.



Thanks,

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