I wasn't quite sure where to post this so chose this one as it's quite amusing.....

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ..

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

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There is no past tense to Love, either you always will or you never did. ....

Comedian Nick Helm won the award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe with:

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here...

*bending the rule a bit* - video

OK, for me this is the Joke of the Day! (Even though I don't understand Jap)


CLICK HERE!

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Ako ay ako, ikaw ay ikaw.

[quote=nowherenothere]

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here...

two really good chuckles which I have shared with workmates. pedro, I still have tears in my eyes, brilliant !!!

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here...

The Stewardess, The Cowboy and the Minister

A humble Cowboy and a pious Minister board an airplane flying from central Montana to New York City. As the plane levels off the Stewardess walks down the aisle offering refreshments. The Cowboy, in his deep husky drawl, orders a Jack Daniels and Water. The Stewardess asks the pious Minister, '...and you sir, care for a beverage?' The Minister glares at her in disgust and indignantly states, 'As GOD is my witness, I would rather be gang raped by FIFTY BRAZEN WHORES than ever let alcohol pass these lips!' To wit, the Cowboy frowns, looks down at his drink, looks back up at the Stewardess, hands his drink back to her, and says, 'Awwww shucks, me too, I didn't know we had a choice...'

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Forgiving is Love, Love is For Giving.

So much for parental discretion and pre-emptive actionn(or lack thereof as the case may be).

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Forgiving is Love, Love is For Giving.

An old cowboy is sitting at a bar having a beer, when a woman sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He says, "Well, I ride a horse most all day, fixing fence, checking on cattle, watching out for predators, and evaluating the pasture grass, so, yeah, I reckon I'm a real cowboy. How about you?"

"Oh," she says, "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking about women; the way they look, the way they feel, their scent, their curves." She sighs deeply and finishes with, "I just love everything about them."

Soon she leaves and is replaced by an elderly couple. After a little time, they turn to to the cowboy and ask, "Pardon us, but are you a real cowboy?"

"I thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~

THE NIGHT OF THE WINKIE
-GS


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It immediately disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call the hospital?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
("You see a pattern here with the females in my house?")

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

So we all drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Hazard, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . .Masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just .. Just . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... Its .... Teeny little..." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our family back into the car. My son was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

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Off to Singapore for a spell!

Hahaha, thanks for the good laugh, guys! (good way)

Gabh, that's funny. It's like I'm watching a movie in my mind while reading your story. *high five to your wife!* Que horreur, I hope the poor creature's OK

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Ako ay ako, ikaw ay ikaw.

Where does virgin wool come from?


The sheep that runs the fastest

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here...

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here...

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days".

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"Oh ye Lords of Ladies Intellectual/ Inform us truly have they not henpecked y'all?" ~George Gordon Noel Byron