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Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, February 14, 2017 7:46:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
troy3000
Posted: Tuesday, February 14, 2017 10:49:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/25/2009
Posts: 1,938
Neurons: 721,585
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Thursday, February 16, 2017 3:50:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,004
Neurons: 11,104
Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Hotdog guy gives him a loaded dog, Buddhist gives him $10, gets nothing back.
Hotdog vendor explains, "Change comes from within."

What should be shall be-The fellowship of the ring-
Hope123
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 10:57:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, March 15, 2017 6:28:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,685
Neurons: 406,638
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, March 16, 2017 8:47:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 11:55:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Got a chuckle, JJ.

k

Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 1:20:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 5:33:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Schlooky, Applause




Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, April 1, 2017 4:45:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:)




“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, April 1, 2017 5:47:33 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Good one, Schlooky.

I don't know about Colorado but in 2018 it will read Canada.



Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, April 2, 2017 12:53:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Yeah so I hear :)




“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, April 2, 2017 8:57:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Sorry - best I could do today - 😀



Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, April 3, 2017 4:37:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D

Some jokes are more on the lighter side but nevertheless still funny





“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 5:34:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,685
Neurons: 406,638
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 4:19:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 5:28:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 11,531
Neurons: 430,257
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I remember, therefore I am.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, April 8, 2017 1:32:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
black alonso
Posted: Sunday, April 9, 2017 10:29:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 6,467
Neurons: 33,257
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, April 9, 2017 1:12:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, May 5, 2017 6:52:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 1,004
Neurons: 11,104


What should be shall be-The fellowship of the ring-
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, May 21, 2017 1:55:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Bedells
Posted: Saturday, May 27, 2017 12:31:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 3,102
Neurons: 526,951
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.


The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.


This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.


The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.


Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:


"Cindy, you have sinned."
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, May 27, 2017 3:36:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Q: What do college students and the Canadiens have in common?
A: They've both finished their year by April.

Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Montreal Canadiens.



“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, June 20, 2017 2:06:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, July 2, 2017 12:31:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
IMcRout
Posted: Wednesday, July 5, 2017 12:43:50 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,300
Neurons: 555,394
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Found somewhere on the internet:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “Were outta here.”

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Luker4
Posted: Sunday, September 24, 2017 7:10:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/19/2013
Posts: 4,219
Neurons: 23,746
Location: Wrocław Pracze, Lower Silesian Voivodeship, Poland
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, September 24, 2017 1:28:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,928
Neurons: 1,309,727
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, October 31, 2017 8:23:27 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,685
Neurons: 406,638
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, November 26, 2017 11:50:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
I just realized I haven't done the hokey-pokey in ten years. I guess when you get older, you forget what it's all about.

Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Hope123
Posted: Monday, November 27, 2017 8:59:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Bess me father for I have sinned. I have killed a politician.

~

I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work.

Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 6:24:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,685
Neurons: 406,638
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Special Express Line




In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 3, 2017 12:47:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
I don’t see anything that's the slightest bit of a stretch with any of the following:Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life
The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem valid... (copied from email without editing)

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE....
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 4, 2017 3:57:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,145
Neurons: 46,877
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
A warning to all be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking. Last night I was out for a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I had a few too many - not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests. Because I was in a bus, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and with no accidents, which was a real surprise - because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.


Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)
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