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CatCat
Posted: Thursday, June 16, 2016 9:27:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/15/2014
Posts: 986
Neurons: 15,410
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, June 19, 2016 4:32:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
CatCat
Posted: Tuesday, June 21, 2016 4:31:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/15/2014
Posts: 986
Neurons: 15,410
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, June 25, 2016 12:44:25 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
How can you tell your wife is dead ?

The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.




Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, June 27, 2016 6:52:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Friday, July 01, 2016 7:43:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 37,069
Neurons: 226,557
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, July 01, 2016 5:14:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, July 14, 2016 9:41:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
It Just Doesn’t Pay To Piss Off A Woman.....

It Just Doesn’t Pay To Piss Off A Woman How True!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow end of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home……..
including the curtain rods.
I love a happy ending, don’t you?


Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, July 16, 2016 5:36:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Galad
Posted: Tuesday, July 19, 2016 2:03:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,579
Neurons: 9,994
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States


The Law often allows what Honor Forbids- Bernard-Joseph Saurin
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, July 21, 2016 4:00:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Bedells
Posted: Thursday, July 21, 2016 11:44:55 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 2,318
Neurons: 373,202
The Chancellor of Germany arrives at Charles de Gaulle Airport.

"Name?", asks the French Immigration Officer.
"Angela Merkel", she replies.
"Occupation?", asks the officer.
"No", says Merkel, "I'm only here for a meeting"
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, August 06, 2016 10:24:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH
OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!


After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, August 06, 2016 1:48:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Galad
Posted: Monday, August 08, 2016 10:53:25 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2009
Posts: 2,579
Neurons: 9,994
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States


The Law often allows what Honor Forbids- Bernard-Joseph Saurin
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, August 09, 2016 11:28:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Good one!

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, August 10, 2016 3:43:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
On a Canadian Tire chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, August 11, 2016 12:08:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
On Planter's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)


Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, August 11, 2016 12:09:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)


Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Sunday, August 21, 2016 3:19:30 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 836
Neurons: 8,598


What should be shall be-The fellowship of the ring-
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, August 21, 2016 4:46:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Applause Applause Applause

Good one, Frosty!

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, August 22, 2016 11:44:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Shulamit
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 1:33:09 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/19/2016
Posts: 168
Neurons: 48,493
Location: Berkeley, California, United States
Doctor: I hate to have to tell you this, Bob, but you're just going to have to stop masturbating.

Bob: Why?!

Doctor: So I can examine you!

Variety is the spice of life. Lack of variety is the spouse of life.
Ursus Minor
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 1:56:51 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2016
Posts: 290
Neurons: 1,235
Location: Inozemtsevo, Stavropol'skiy, Russia
Patient: Doctor, my memory failures worry me a lot.
Doctor: Does it happen very often?
Patient: Happen what?
Doctor: Failures.
Patient: What failures?

Chazlee
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:03:18 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 364
Neurons: 3,722
This is a dirty joke so please ignore if such humor offends you.



Little Johnny went to school carrying his cat and crying.

The teacher asks him what is wrong and why did he bring his cat to school.

Johnny replied" Last night I heard my father talking to my mother. He said 'Honey get ready. Cause tomorrow when Johnny goes to school, I'm eatin' that pussy."


Peace.
Chazlee
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:13:57 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 364
Neurons: 3,722
This is a dirty joke which I heard on the TV show "The Sopranos." So please ignore if such humor offends you.



A rich man and a poor man were sitting around and talking about what they had bought their wives for Christmas.

The rich man said "I bought my wive a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."

The poor man asks " Why did you buy her a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring?"

The rich man replied" Well, I thought if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could return it to the store and she would still be happy with the Mercedes."

The rich then asked the poor man "What did you buy your wife for Christmas?"

The poor man replied "I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks "Why did you buy her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The poor man said "Well, I thought if she didn't like the slippers, then she could go f_ _ _ herself."

Peace.
Chazlee
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:25:05 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 364
Neurons: 3,722
Did you hear that FedEx and UPS are going to merge?

The new company will be called FED UP.
Ursus Minor
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:26:32 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2016
Posts: 290
Neurons: 1,235
Location: Inozemtsevo, Stavropol'skiy, Russia
Chazlee wrote:
This is a dirty joke so please ignore if such humor offends you.



Little Johnny went to school carrying his cat and crying.

The teacher asks him what is wrong and why did he bring his cat to school.

Johnny replied" Last night I heard my father talking to my mother. He said 'Honey get ready. Cause tomorrow when Johnny goes to school, I'm eatin' that pussy."


Peace.


Due to his father's procrastination habit Johnny won't have a little sister very soon.
Chazlee
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:38:07 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 364
Neurons: 3,722
A possibly offensive joke so please ignore if such humor offends you.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Peace.

Chazlee
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 2:46:52 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 364
Neurons: 3,722
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Peace.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2016 1:41:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, September 18, 2016 10:27:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 5,362
Neurons: 33,002
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Jerry Seinfeld - from his special "I'm Telling You for the Last Time"

"I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the # 1 fear of the average person. I found that amazing! #2 was death.

Death is snumber 2? This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 5:50:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2016 5:57:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 37,069
Neurons: 226,557
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland




In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2016 4:55:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 25,482
Neurons: 854,631
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
I was told this by a feminist - about a woman making a speech at a rally who proclaimed "Women are the foundation of this country!" A construction worker on the edge of the crowd yelled, "yeah but who laid the foundation?"


Voyageur de l'imaginaire.Pomme de route.Vive le Ke'bec a moitié libre?
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