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Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Sunday, March 09, 2014 5:04:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 11,798
Neurons: 80,166
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Tropical Sprue is the malady
That afflicted Milord and Milady
He became paper thin
And she bones 'n skin
They're hospitalized now in Schenectady

"...hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour"
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, March 20, 2014 9:43:37 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an ambitious princess
Whose scheming had little success.
Her plans for a coup
Abruptly fell through
When details were leaked to the press.

A present of which I was fond
Was a glow-in-the-dark magic wand,
Till one day, as a kid,
I wished for ten quid
In vain. I said: "Damn, I've been conned!"

An MP's non-stop filibuster
Involved all the themes he could muster.
It ranged from Welsh sheep
To the Army's new jeep,
House prices, and General Custer.
Kerry.P
Posted: Friday, March 21, 2014 1:49:18 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Applause Applause Applause Thank you Audiendus.

There once was a singer contempor’y
Who sang obscene songs quite extempore
He was known wide and far
For his tasteless repertoire
Till his fans all became condemnatory.
Kerry.P
Posted: Friday, March 21, 2014 2:22:47 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
There once was a frequent Finnish poster
With a style quite unlike other roasters
His high-scoring posts
Were the envy of most
But he still didn’t score a real toaster.
Doce
Posted: Friday, March 21, 2014 2:43:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/7/2014
Posts: 2,036
Neurons: 26,139
Location: Vaslui, Vaslui, Romania
:)))))))))))) 'was'?! :p
Naughty Kerry... I'm sure he has a sense of humour.

The One ;)
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, April 06, 2014 5:09:04 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A student went quite a long distance
To Paris, to study Existence.
One day, in Montmartre,
He met Jean-Paul Sartre,
Who said: "I admire your persistence!"

The Victorians cared about form;
To say "Sir" and "Ma'am" was the norm.
If a butler had said:
"Your folks are here, Fred",
It would have created a storm.

The Fifties were full of new fashions,
And teenagers' rock-and-roll passions.
Young folk of the day
Found it light years away
From the era of bombing and rations.

The chemical H2O's water;
The Infanta's the Spanish king's daughter.
A young cow's a calf,
And two and a half
Is the square root of six and a quarter.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, June 06, 2014 4:07:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
There're poets galore
In East Bangalore
They queue up to sing us their stanzas
But after they've started
They leave broken-hearted
Realizing they're no Mario Lanzas.





I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, July 01, 2014 10:54:04 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an old codger called Les
Who wore dungarees and a fez;
When asked why this was,
He replied: "It's because
I always do what my wife says".

When Churchill was young and ambitious,
His confidence seemed meretricious;
He broadcast his glories
In newspaper stories,
Which made all his colleagues suspicious.

The earliest humans would grunt
With their tongue to the back or the front.
More sounds would ensue
As their intellect grew
And their language became much less blunt.
tootsie
Posted: Thursday, July 03, 2014 11:02:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,887
Neurons: 23,730

A certain young man named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
"But," he said "I must see
What the clergyman's fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."



I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost. Winnie-the-Pooh
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, July 05, 2014 9:48:04 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
In a shop where I went for some butter,
I saw a man wielding a putter.
The girl at the till
Said "That's my son Bill –
The poor guy's an absolute nutter".

One day my friend's jacket was torn
By a bush with a well-concealed thorn.
You'd think he'd been maimed,
For he loudly exclaimed:
"I wish that I'd never been born!"
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, August 22, 2014 10:31:15 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young man from Siberia
Who often had fits of hysteria.
His eyes would go wild
And he'd scream like a child,
For his brain cells were full of bacteria.

A Second World War German spy
Saw a Home Guard platoon marching by.
He chuckled: "Mein Gott!
The British are not
Well armed, but they give it a try".
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, September 12, 2014 6:05:19 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
In Scotland one day
They went their own way
And set up a separate Nation.
Her Maj was alarmed
So sent heavily armed
Accountants to cause them inflation.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, September 14, 2014 7:01:31 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Queen Anne told the Scots: "Your economy
Will thrive if you scrap your autonomy".
The Scots said: "All right,
We agree to unite",
But it didn't result in much bonhomie.
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Tuesday, October 07, 2014 11:42:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,708
Neurons: 8,405
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

There's this lady who likes skygazing;
Awesome sky events she keeps missing
Did not see Supermoon,
'Cause she was in her room
While the world stares at it she was sleeping.


At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. Plato
idk
Posted: Wednesday, October 08, 2014 11:56:24 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/29/2014
Posts: 1,144
Neurons: 5,470
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
There was a young woman named Sally,
Who decided to fly to a rally.
She went as a nun
As she wanted some fun
Without ever having to dally.


It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, October 24, 2014 7:44:05 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A batsman was struck on the head,
And a cerebral artery bled.
The ball hit a stump:
"Not out", cried the ump,
For batsman and ball were both dead.

A factory worker from Surrey
Fell into a tank of hot slurry;
He gave a loud shout
Of "Please get me out!"
But his workmates replied: "What's the hurry?"

I found my boss too overbearing;
I was sick of his shouting and swearing.
So I threw some hot tea
On his brand new PC;
I was sacked, but I'm proud of my daring.

There was a young woman from Dover
Who had a pet kitten called Rover;
When asked why her mog
Had the name of a dog,
She said: "Let me think that one over".
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, October 29, 2014 7:58:31 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
A copper called Bobby from Kent
Was thought to be thoroughly bent;
He'd take a backhander
Put up with the slander
For the Briber to prison he went.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, November 16, 2014 9:14:30 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A cleaner removed something slimy
From a sculpture that looked very grimy.
A voice cried: "You berk!
You've ruined my work!"
And the cleaner retorted: "Gawd blimey!"

There was an old ship in a gale,
Whose mate thought the rudder would fail;
The captain replied:
"Jump over the side
And fix the damned thing with this nail".

There was a young woman called Liz,
Who appeared on TV in a quiz.
She said something daft,
The quizmaster laughed,
And she ran off the stage in a tizz.

One day, Princess Margaret said:
"I'll spend a few days in the Med".
A lackey asked "Where?"
She replied: "I don't care –
Just somewhere with upper-class cred".
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, December 16, 2014 9:34:43 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
If you're poor and you live in a hovel,
Your betters expect you to grovel;
You'd soon raise your station
And end your frustration
By writing a prize-winning novel.

Though Egypt's old scribes were prolific,
Their writings were hieroglyphic,
Which has the result
That the facts of their cult
Are still not entirely specific.

The referee showed a red card,
But the player just stared at him hard
And said: "Listen, sonny,
I earn so much money,
I don't pay you any regard".
Kerry.P
Posted: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 1:53:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Applause Applause Applause
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, January 10, 2015 7:29:21 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
The Romans loved chariot races;
Arenas were riotous places,
Where insults were flung
Amid piles of dung,
With murderous brawls in some cases.

King Henry the Seventh was pleased
With the way that his ministers seized
A large sum of brass
From the mercantile class,
Whose profits were ruthlessly squeezed.

Australian cricketers sledge
To put their opponents on edge.
They say: "You fat Pom,
What slum are you from?"
And use all the oaths they can dredge.

The Germans love verbal precision;
They don't like short cuts or elision.
Instead of "I crashed",
They would say, unabashed,
"My vehicle had a collision".
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, February 25, 2015 9:34:33 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Our tour guide was very laid back;
He amused us with many a crack,
And played the guitar
Each night in the bar,
But his customer service was slack.

There was a distinguished arranger
Who planned to adapt Percy Grainger
For some West End show,
But Percy said: "No –
Just jazz up Away in a Manger".

The Spanish, with iron formality,
Rejected doctrinal plurality;
The ruthless Inquisitors
Tortured their visitors
With a high-minded brutality.

The old University Blues
Were chivalrous chaps, win or lose.
The Gents of those days
Gave the Players due praise:
"Good shot! Now please polish my shoes".
NKM
Posted: Wednesday, February 25, 2015 10:54:44 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/14/2015
Posts: 3,999
Neurons: 177,661
Location: Corinth, New York, United States
Some mad pseudo-poets are we,
With doggerel rowdy and free!
It's not quite "free verse" --
It's actually worse --
But we spout it instinctually.

Friend Pedro should clean up his act --
His verses are raw, that's a fact.
I don't like to chide,
But it seems, from my side
He might try a little more tact.
tootsie
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2015 12:40:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 6,887
Neurons: 23,730

Shame on you

No, Pedro should stay as he is
At maths he's an absolute whizz
If his humour is dry
well its mud in your eye
now go do a Fibonacci quiz

Dancing


I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost. Winnie-the-Pooh
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, March 14, 2015 8:19:30 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
And now for a double limerick:

In the era of 1914,
Great conflicts were apt to be seen
As a character test
Of the fittest and best,
Which kept nations morally clean.
But the First World War proved a huge curse,
And the Second was certainly worse,
So the old view of fighting
As bold and exciting
Now strikes us as wildly perverse.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, March 17, 2015 1:24:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
“Aye Right”, said wee Jock, “that’s your story
From behind your big desk seeking glory.
For me, ah’m aff hame, if it is all the same,
To you ya big snotty Tory”.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2015 7:20:33 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A duchess said: "It's a disgrace!
These peasants do not know their place!
One banged on my carriage
And then proposed marriage –
I gave him a slap round the face."

An AA mechanic was called
To a limo whose engine had stalled.
He spluttered: "Oh dear –
The tank's full of beer!"
"Damned kids!" said the driver, appalled.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Saturday, April 18, 2015 2:45:13 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
“I’ve had politics right up to here”,
Said William touching his ear
“Whatever one claims
Another disdains
And trashes with laughter and cheer.”


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, June 11, 2015 10:00:34 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a Canadian mayor
Whose town was attacked by a bear.
The police were on strike
So he got on his bike
And slaughtered the beast with a chair.

There was a young bridesmaid called Betty
Who merrily threw some confetti;
The bridegroom said "Brat!
You've ruined my hat!"
But the bride told him not to be petty.

A man took his ten-year-old daughter,
A keen Crystal Palace supporter,
To watch their team play,
But to her dismay
They suffered a seven-nil slaughter.

There was a French playwright, Racine,
Whose verse had an elegant sheen.
He lacked Shakespeare's vigour,
But metrical rigour
Was something on which he was keen.

Said Hitler: "On entering Hell,
My spirits initially fell,
But because of the grudges
Of Nuremberg judges,
It soon filled with folk I knew well".
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2016 10:20:17 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an old woman called Daisy,
Whose knowledge of laptops was hazy.
Her grandson, aged nine,
Soon got her online.
She muttered: "The world has gone crazy!"

The Bible says God was unable
To stomach the Tower of Babel;
But modern linguistics,
With detailed statistics,
Throws doubt on this curious fable.

At an inn, if you heard heavy boots,
You had to watch out for large brutes.
You might receive blows
From political foes
Or a press gang in search of recruits.

When Bach wrote a wonderful chord
To be sung to the words "Praise the Lord",
You could hear a faint sound
Waft down to the ground;
It was God, who was moved to applaud.

The highly romantic depiction
Of marriage in paperback fiction
Makes light of the strife
Of family life:
Loud kids and tight budgets cause friction.

A gentlemen's club is a place
Where a minor faux pas brings disgrace;
If you use the wrong spoon,
The members all swoon
And you end up with egg on your face.

In Liverpool, quite a majority
Are firmly opposed to authority.
The National Anthem
And Maggie from Grantham
Appeal to a tiny minority.

A tough Tory lady from Bucks
Remarked with intolerant clucks:
"I'd give the workshy
A punch in the eye,
And force them to drive heavy trucks!"

Augustus (or was it Tiberius?)
Declared: "We must show we are serious!
I order that rebels
Be stoned with large pebbles".
He sounded extremely imperious.

Some girls at a strict convent school
Were found in a dorm playing pool.
Said a nun: "Such behaviour
In front of our Saviour
Breaks every conceivable rule!"

A pilot shot down from a fighter
Was marched to the district Gauleiter.
When thumped with a pistol,
The airman from Bristol
Said "Whoa, that's not cricket, you blighter!"
Chazlee
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2016 12:14:50 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/24/2016
Posts: 408
Neurons: 3,954
A wonderful bird is the pelican;
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week,
Though I’m damned if I know how the helican!


There was a young lady named Bright
who traveled much faster than light.
She set out one day
in a relative way,
and came back the previous night.


Kerry.P
Posted: Tuesday, August 30, 2016 4:17:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
A poster called Chaz disliked Trump
Whom he wanted all voters to dump
Some persisted believing
He was not misleading
To which Chazlee always said “humph”


I was going to finish with "Which always gave Chazlee the hump" but then found that TFD did not give the Australian definition. I would say that in this hemisphere "the hump" means to cause extreme irritation.
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 9:41:54 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A woman about to be wed
Rushed out through a side door and fled.
As the vicar looked pained,
The fiancé explained:
"It must have been something you said".

The Emperor Nero said: "Guard!
Bring the prisoners into the yard
And cook them on wire
Until they expire –
I'll eat their flesh medium hard".

Americans tend to be brash,
And come here with plenty of cash.
The wartime GIs
Had ample supplies,
Which led to a cultural clash.

Though Hitler was known, on occasion,
To get his own way by persuasion,
He always prevailed
If diplomacy failed
By carrying out an invasion.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 10:16:02 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 6,969
Neurons: 40,475
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Audi and Kerry - Applause Applause Applause

There was an old man one weekend
Who said to his grandaughter's new boyfriend
If you don't treat her right
Get out of my sight
As jail will not bother or offend.

(A true story last weekend)

Equality is when you see a person - not a label.
Kerry.P
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2016 2:01:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Back at you Hope Applause

So I launched a skipjack in the lake
I was planning to catch me some hake
When I stood on the prow
It turned turtle somehow
Now I’m floundering in my own wake.
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