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Audiendus
Posted: Friday, August 09, 2013 6:23:04 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
The East German leaders were hated,
Which was probably not unrelated
To the old Berlin Wall,
Which was brought to a fall
By the democrats whom they predated.
Briton
Posted: Friday, August 09, 2013 7:04:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/13/2011
Posts: 5,107
Neurons: 16,440
A solipsist aired his contention
To peers at a recent convention.
He cried, “It’s quite clear
That you’re really not here,
But you bastards just don’t pay attention.”


(by Graham Lester)
Kerry.P
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2013 2:50:02 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
@Tov: at your command

TFD receives questions quite usual
Often grammar submitted for perusal
But when asked by a himbo
To link “orgasm” with “limbo”
It left our Tovarish bamboozled.
Tovarish
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2013 7:39:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/2/2009
Posts: 11,062
Neurons: 39,597
Location: Booligal, New South Wales, Australia
You are so clever Kerry, there is no way I could write that!!! well done.
Audiendus
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2013 10:00:39 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
It caused a tremendous kerfuffle
When a Minister threw a cream truffle
At the King of Nepal
In London's Guildhall –
He was sacked in a hasty reshuffle.
IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2013 12:29:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 33,978
Neurons: 476,812
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Slightly belated, but nonetheless grateful

A member - advanced - from Australia
expounded on some par'phernalia
he wrote down some ideas
on fellow TFD's
which we found were surely no failure

His fellows reacted applaudingly
responding in verse quite accordingly
some tried to be cunning
or hum'rously punning
but all of them took it right sportingly

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2013 1:39:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,708
Neurons: 8,405
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

A "wow" from me to you, Kerry
I truly enjoyed this, very
"Wow" to all others
I don't mean to flatter
This is what my heart truly carries

I find limericks amazing
It is very entertaining
Just like in a song
It does have a tone
The voice is also fluctuating!

I really like TFD
Even if no one knows me
Fine discussions
Good education
It's such a nice place to be



At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. Plato
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2013 9:43:57 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Some parents in junior soccer
Appear to be quite off their rocker.
One man hit his son
When the other team won,
Then smashed up the referee's locker.


My grandfather found it distressing
To look at young lovers caressing.
Whenever they kissed,
He'd shake his old fist
And bellow: "Hey, stop all that messing!"
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Saturday, August 24, 2013 6:39:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 11,798
Neurons: 80,166
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
Quite addicting is this forum on TFD,
Not just the play, but the variety.
Some control their replying,
Most just won't stop trying;
I'm afraid that for me it really is OCD

"...hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour"
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, August 30, 2013 5:05:35 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Two musical limericks:


There was a young girl called Yvette
Who learned to play bass clarinet;
It sounded quite mellow
Replacing the cello
In Schubert's C minor quartet.


"These modern composers", roared Beecham,
"Sit smugly where people can't reach 'em.
Drag 'em onto the stage,
And let us all rage
At their dissonant tripe. That'll teach 'em!"
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, September 22, 2013 7:59:57 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
On hearing my train would be late,
I hadn't the patience to wait,
So I jumped on another;
A voice cried "Hey, brother,
That one's only carrying freight!"


There was a time-traveller, Bertie,
Who flew back to 1730.
On return to the present,
He said "How unpleasant –
I never knew folk were that dirty!"
IMcRout
Posted: Sunday, September 22, 2013 12:45:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 33,978
Neurons: 476,812
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
I saw a magician in Limerick
who managed to balance a fiddlestick.
He stood on his nose
with the bow twixt his toes
while the cello was played with his candlewick.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, November 14, 2013 9:31:37 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a weak monarch of yore,
Who flatly refused to wage war.
Though his nobles were partial
To anything martial,
The king said: "Ooh no, I hate gore!"

There was a young man from Vancouver,
Who worked as a stucco remover.
One evening, at twilight,
He fell through a skylight,
And said: "May I borrow your Hoover?"

In a shop was a packet of rice
That I noticed was crawling with lice;
The grocer confessed
That it might have gone west,
And offered to sell it half price.
Kerry.P
Posted: Thursday, November 14, 2013 8:06:55 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
There once was a member, Audiendus
Whose posts were never vilipendous
Then he showed his sharp wits
With punny lim’ricks
Which we all found were truly stupendous!
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2013 7:32:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Yet 'twas not his intention
to heighten suspension
so he told it just as it was.
No punches he pulled
our clamour he cooled
and claimed it all started in Oz.


I remember, therefore I am.
Hope2
Posted: Thursday, December 05, 2013 6:02:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,909
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
There was a big boss of a city
He was in charge of the kitty
But he snorted the wrong coke
So the Star gave a poke
For the trouble he caused was a pity. Shame on you

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. T. S. Eliot
pedro
Posted: Thursday, December 05, 2013 6:43:02 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/21/2009
Posts: 12,932
Neurons: 58,642
There was a young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch
who said 'I have tried since six o' clock
to pronounce my town's name
now I must, to my shame
admit failure and swallow some hemlock.


All good ideas arrive by chance- Max Ernst
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, December 06, 2013 9:17:09 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There once was a spy called James Bond
Of whom the young ladies were fond;
With ruthless percussion
He'd fire at some Russian,
Then jump into bed with a blonde.

There was a bloodthirsty dictator
Who ruled somewhere near the Equator.
He had thousands beaten
And then slowly eaten
By Snappy, his pet alligator.

The Royals were touring a nursery
To mark some obscure anniversary;
The Queen met each child
And chatted and smiled,
But Prince Philip's attention was cursory.

The Nazis promoted the story
Of Germany's power and glory,
But their notions of race
Were an utter disgrace,
And their deeds were unspeakably gory.

The Queen was observing her horse
When it threw off its jockey by force.
The monarch, dismayed,
Remarked to an aide:
"It makes one exceedingly crawss".
Hope2
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 6:21:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,909
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Most good folks on the Forum are passive
There is one we find quite aggressive,
To him he's not wrong
He manages his song
To make it become passive-aggressive.

Our Anger from that hits the sky
Although one is never sure why,
One wants to send notes
To those who do gloat,
And make them eat humbleberry pie.

There was an old man in the throng
Whose words could never be wrong,
Since he wrote and he wrote
And got everyone's goat
They taught him the meaning of swan song.

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. T. S. Eliot
Hope2
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 6:25:06 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,909
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
A Scottish Limerick

A student who hailed from Dumfries,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Litt.D.s,
Collapsed from the strain,
Alas, it was plain
She was killing herself by degrees.

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. T. S. Eliot
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 7:00:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Some Limericks laughingly lash
Members who post mainly trash
There’s no way of hiding
From the Limerick’s sore chiding
For those who are just far too brash.


I remember, therefore I am.
Hope2
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 8:44:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 4,909
Neurons: 16,769
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
From the web - Scottish Limericks

There was a young laddie from Coll
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring
But he didn't, he died in the fall.


There was a young man from Larkhall
Who went to a masquerade ball
Dressed up as a tree,
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs in the hall


For those not over-familiar with Scottish geography, Tranent is a small town, four miles east of Edinburgh.

There was an old lady of Tranent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
One day they supposed
She followed her nose
For no one knew which way she went.

There was a young Scotsman named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure.
Then a cod, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.


Bagpipes - you either love them or hate them. And if you hate them you enjoy jokes (or limericks) at their expense.

(My husband likes the bagpipes - outdoors!)

There was a dour Scot from Auld Reekie,
Whose bagpipes were tuneless and squeaky.
When they begged, "Stop that noise!"
He replied with great poise,
"Och, 'tis only a valve that is leaky."

For a Scotsman the heat was benumbing;
He imagined he heard bagpipes humming
In unlikely places;
On a desert oasis,
He dreamt that the Campbells were coming.

A man from the Mull of Kintyre
Said, "My bagpipes are always for hire."
When he started to play,
He was shot, so they say,
Which deflated them just like a tire.

Some bagpipes were stolen! I kid
You not, folks, for happen it did.
Police, under cover,
Seek a true music lover,
Or maybe a short-sighted squid.

You tell us, the pipes you abhor;
You're just one amongst many more;
I believe in the past
The bagpipes were classed
As an inhumane weapon of war.

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. T. S. Eliot
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2013 3:42:53 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
The burning of coal used to clog
The streets with malodorous fog.
You could trip on the kerb
Or blindly disturb
Some teenagers having a snog.

There was a young fellow called Rishi,
Who was married, but awfully dishy.
On seeing his emails
From various females,
His wife thought: "Aye aye, this is fishy!"

The Queen was on tour in Australia,
Adorned with her formal regalia,
When a man with a badge
Said "Chill out, your Maj!
Take off all that paraphernalia!"

There was a young man from Madrid
Who fancied that he was El Cid.
Being out of his mind,
He was promptly confined
In a madhouse in Valladolid.
towan52
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2013 4:02:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/28/2012
Posts: 1,666
Neurons: 157,002
Location: Midland, Texas, United States
There was a young man name of Lars
Whose balls were made out of brass
when they tinkled together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his arse

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown...Whistle

"Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle"
excaelis
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2013 6:25:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 10,981
Neurons: 32,652
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
There was a young man named Ignacio,
Who struggled to find the right ratio,
'Twixt labial suction
And glottal induction
When practising casual fellatio. Angel


Sanity is not statistical
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, January 05, 2014 9:55:11 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
I made a small box out of plastic;
My teacher said it was fantastic.
When he gave it a clout
And the bottom fell out,
I knew he was being sarcastic.

There once was a surgeon called Sidney,
Who removed a Scotswoman's left kidney.
He seemed quite content
That he had her consent,
But the lady, when told, cried: "Ye didnae!"

There was a postmodernist thinker
Whose style was an absolute stinker.
His writings on language
Caused students much anguish –
They greatly preferred Steven Pinker.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, January 07, 2014 3:40:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
There is a smart Poster named Abs
Whore retorts are delivered like jabs
We must carefully choose
The words that we use
Lest Abs puts the tabs through the labs.

I remember, therefore I am.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, January 07, 2014 3:44:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
In Bangalore
They say much more
Than the rest of us all put together
They post by the tonne
And are never done
Not then, not now, not ever.

I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, January 24, 2014 7:02:57 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
In the City they don't stop for lunch;
They keep trading shares while they munch.
They dare not be seen
With their eyes off their screen,
For their managers are a mean bunch.

At a fete there was joy and hilarity
When a nun did a striptease for charity.
It raised funds for the blind,
So the police didn't mind –
They pardoned her act of vulgarity.

It's a typical dull rainy day
With the post-Christmas sales under way.
The shoppers engage
In their yearly rampage,
And Santa dismantles his sleigh.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, February 19, 2014 5:46:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
I've a small breed of dog I call Scottie
He's house trained and sits on his potty,
He gives a loud yap
The mischievous chap,
Then stands up and wipes his wee botty.

I remember, therefore I am.
Articulate Dreamer
Posted: Wednesday, February 19, 2014 2:59:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/16/2009
Posts: 11,798
Neurons: 80,166
Location: Bangalore, Karnataka, India
jacobusmaximus wrote:
In Bangalore
They say much more
Than the rest of us all put together
They post by the tonne
And are never done
Not then, not now, not ever.



Dunno how i missed this gem;
Is it true? Well ... er .. ahem
We'll wait for the Scots
To sort out their lots
With the UK and then address 'em

"...hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour"
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, February 20, 2014 9:14:42 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a daredevil called Bill
Who jumped between cliffs for a thrill;
One proved beyond reach,
And he plunged to the beach
While quickly dictating his will.

There was a young man from Gravesend
Who had a large fortune to spend,
But he blew it on horses
And messy divorces,
And now he has scarcely a friend.
Kerry.P
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2014 7:42:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
There once was a biker from Russia
Who did weekend work as an usher
If a girl started crying
When the good guys were dieing
He’d pull funny faces to hush her.

There once was a sailor at sea
Who liked drinking gin in his tea
When asked “what’s the taste?”
Replied “I can’t waste
A sip. Take a nip you’ll agree.”
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, March 07, 2014 9:19:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,355
Neurons: 766,271
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
By the time that they reach ninety-five,
Some folk lose the will to survive.
But those that are blessed
Remain full of zest;
However, I hope they don't drive.

Some schoolchildren find it exciting
To spice up dull lessons by fighting.
A punch on the nose
From one of their foes
Is less painful than reading and writing.

There was an explorer called Drake
Who spent his career on the make.
He seized Spanish treasure
To earn his Queen's pleasure;
She said: "I just hope it's not fake".

Napoleon shouted: "Mon Dieu!
Je crois qu'il faut quitter ce lieu!"
The troops he addressed
Had no time to rest,
And marched off complaining: "Quel jeu!"
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, March 07, 2014 12:13:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 10,896
Neurons: 341,580
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
How does one follow Audiendus?
Applause Applause Applause Applause

I remember, therefore I am.
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