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rogermue wrote:Hello Will, where's your poem from? That's nice, even if it's a bit macabre. I don't know where it's from; my dad used to recite it at any opportunity, I don't think he made it up though. My personal favorite is the one in your first post. And: Ketchup If you do not shake the bottle None'll come and then a lot'll.
Arguing with a creationist is like playing chess with a pigeon. It'll knock over the pieces, crap on the board, and fly back to it's flock to claim victory.
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Hey Will - maybe we're siblings: my father used to recite that one too - in fact until I went to nursery school it was the only version I knew! Did he do the other version too? : - Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.
I just came in from a stinker of a day at work and have just spent the last 10 minutes on this thread: - it's been wonderful! I loved the Cajun Night Before Xmas, btw. Was also tickled to find the Aussie offering from JJ - wonder if Tov. has spotted it?
Thanks everyone- given me the heart to get on with my homework now.
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No poem, but funny all the same.
I remember talking on the language of sheep on this forum
and remarked that English sheep say: "bleat",
whereas German sheep say: "Blööök".
Dragon's diagnosis was
that German sheep must suffer from speech impediment.
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Oh, what fun we had when Daddy fell into the pond! Daddy fell into the pond
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rogermue,
Enjoyed a smile at seeing that picture of the renowned moonshiner, the late "Popcorn" Sutton. A shame what happened with him. Anyway...
I eschew poetry, but have run into a few good limericks I liked. There was one on the first page that put me in mind of this:
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffett
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And she mashed it with her spoon.
A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
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My Fair Lady - Alfred's song
Alfred
The Lord above gave man an arm of iron
So he could do his job and never shirk.
The Lord gave man an arm of iron-but
With a little bit of luck,
With a little bit of luck,
Someone else'll do the blinkin' work!
The three
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck you'll never work!
Alfred
The Lord above made liquor for temptation, (His pronunciation: temp'taish9n)
To see if man could turn away from sin.
The Lord above made liquor for temptation-but
With a little bit of luck,
With a little bit of luck,
When temptation comes you'll give right in!
The three
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck you'll give right in.
Alfred
Oh, you can walk the straight and narrow;
But with a little bit of luck You'll run amuck!
The gentle sex was made for man to marry,
To share his nest and see his food is cooked.
The gentle sex was made for man to marry-but
With a little bit of luck,
With a little bit of luck,
You can have it all and not get hooked.
The three
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck you won't get hooked.
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of bloomin' luck!
Alfred
The Lord above made man to help is neighbor,
No matter where, on land, or sea, or foam.
The Lord above made man to help his neighbor-but
With a little bit of luck,
With a little bit of luck,
When he comes around you won't be home!
Jim and Harry
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck, You won't be home.
Alfred
They're always throwin' goodness at you;
But with a little bit of luck A man can duck!
Oh, it's a crime for man to go philandrin
And fill his wife's poor heart with grief and doubt.
Oh, it's a crime for man to go philanderin'-but
With a little bit of luck,
With a little bit of luck,
You can see the bloodhound don't find out!
The three
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck she won't find out!
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of bloomin' luck!
He doesn't have a tuppence in his pocket.
The poorest bloke you'll ever hope to meet.
He doesn't have a tuppence in his pocket-but
With a little bit of luck, With a little bit of luck,
He'll be movin' up to easy street.
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck, He's movin' up.
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of bloomin luck!
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From the film The Lady Vanishes by Alfred Hitchcock
I used the film for teaching English to adults and remember the funny dialogues of the two comedians Charters (Basil Radford) and Caldicott (Nauton Wayne).
When I gave English lessons I hadn't the script of the film but by chance I have found it now on the internet.
The dialogue between Charters and Caldicott is at the beginning of the film. It's a pity the script is written so pooorly
with no hints at the persons and situation. I have a film script of the film Casablanca that is really optimal.
It would take me too much time now to explain the situation of the dialogue in more details, so I suppose the readers will know the film.
---
-What's all this fuss about, Charters?
-Damned if l know.
Ladies and gentlemen, train is uphold
and if you wish to stay in my hotel...
you will have
to register immediately.
Why the deuce didn't he say
so in the first place?
How do you do ladies. lt's a great
honour to have you with us again.
lt's nice to see you, Boris. You
haven't changed a bit since Friday.
-l see you haven't shaved.
-ls everything ready?
-Everything. l didn't change anything.
-Not even the sheets? Lead on.
l didn't expect
you to come so quickly.
Our legs gave out. We had to do
the last lap in a farm cart.
We've company. Don't tell me Cook's
are running cheap tours here.
-What is it, Boris?
-The havelunch!
-Have a lunch?
-Avalanche, Boris.
ln spring you've many avalanches. The
snow go boom! Everything disappears.
Even trains disappear
under the avalanche.
But l'm going home tomorrow.
How long before they dig it out?
By morning. lt's lucky you
can leave by this train.
How do you say? lt's a bad wind
that blow nowhere no good.
We haven't
eaten since dawn.
Serve us some supper,
in our rooms.
-l could eat a horse.
-Don't put ideas in his head.
Some chicken, Boris.
And a magnum of champagne.
And make it snappy.
Bandrika may have a dictator but
tonight we're painting it red.
Meanwhile we are here cooling
our heels. What impudence!
-3rd rate country. What do you expect?
-l wonder who those women are.
Probably Americans.
Almighty dollar.
We'll have to wait. lf only we
hadn't missed that train at Budapest.
But you insisted on standing till they
finished their National Anthem...
You must show respect. lf l knew
it was going to last 20 minutes...
lt's my contention that the Hungarian
Rhapsody is not their National Anthem.
-We were the only two standing.
-That's true.
l suppose we shall be
in time after all.
That last report was pretty ghastly.
England on the brink.
Newspaper sensationalism. The old
country's been in tight corners before.
Looks pretty black. Even if
we leave first thing in the morning...
there's still a connection at Basle.
We'll probably be hours.
-That's true.
-Somebody surely can help us.
Sir! Do you know what time
the train leaves Basle for England?
Really! Fellow doesn't
speak English.
Here's one leaves Basle,
21 :20.
There is only two single rooms in
front, or a double room at the back.
-We'll take the two single rooms.
-Very well, sir.
-You might have asked me.
-A small double room in this place...
You weren't so particular
in Paris in Autumn.
That was different.
The Exhibition was at its height.
l realise that.
There's no need to rub it in.
-A private suite with a bath.
-Facing the mountains.
-With a shower.
-Hot and cold.
-And a private thingummy.
-We've only got the maid's room!
-What's this?
-l'm sorry.
-The whole hotel is packed.
-We haven't fixed up yet.
You can't expect the two
of us to sleep in the maid's room.
Don't get excited.
l'll move the maid out.
l should think so. What?
What are you taking about.
l'll sleep on the train.
-There is no eating in the train.
-No eating?
Heating...
That's awkward.
All right we'll take it.
One condition. The maid
has to come to your room...
to remove her wardrobe.
Anna!
She's a good girl,
and l don't want to lose her.
We'd better go and dress.
-Rather primitive humour, l thought.
-Grown up children.
That was an awkward
situation, over that girl.
Pity he couldn't have given us
one each. l mean a room apiece.
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For those among the readers who don't know the film here are two links (information about the film) Film: The Lady VanishesFilm: The Lady Vanishes
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Free verse - rare in funny poems.
Brain-washing starts in the cradle. - Arthur Koestler
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I think it would be a good thing to extend the topic from 'funny poems' to 'funny passages' of every kind. I have already jumped over the boundary of poems by citing a passage out of the musical My Fair Lady and a passage out of the film The Lady Vanishes. In another thread started by Litvinenko the topic is a video from youtube titled 'Four Candles'. Almostfreebird has found the script to this video. The video is so funny that I want to give the links here as well video: Sketch: Four Candlesscript/text: Script of the video
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Dinner for one A sketch, originally British, has become famous in Germany. I'm trying to find the video (in English language), the transscript, and an introduction to the sketch (in English) video: Dinner for one (in English)script: Script (in English)Introductory note It's a bit bizarre when you think about it. A short British cabaret sketch from the 1920s has become a German New Year's tradition. Yet, although "The 90th Birthday or Dinner for One" is a famous cult classic in Germany and several other European countries, it is virtually unknown in the English-speaking world, including Britain, its birthplace. The story line (from Wikipedia) Story line The sketch presents the 90th birthday of elderly upper-class Englishwoman Miss Sophie, who hosts a celebration dinner every year for her friends Mr Pommeroy, Mr Winterbottom, Sir Toby, and Admiral von Schneider. (The plot has nothing to do with New Year's Eve. There is a "Happy new year" toast, but this is purely a reference to Miss Sophie's birthday.) The problem is that due to Miss Sophie's considerable age, she has outlived all of her friends, and so her equally aged manservant James makes his way around the table, impersonating each of the guests in turn. Miss Sophie decides on appropriate drinks to accompany the menu: Mulligatawny soup (Miss Sophie orders dry sherry), North Sea haddock (with white wine), chicken (with champagne), and fruit for dessert (with port) served by James, who finds himself raising (and emptying) his glass four times per course. That takes its toll, increasingly noticeable in James's growing difficulty in pouring the drinks, telling wine glasses from vases of flowers, and refraining from bursting into song. Even before the alcohol begins to exert its influence, he keeps tripping up on the head of a tiger skin lying on the floor between the dinner table and the buffet. The crucial exchange during every course is: James: The same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie? Miss Sophie: The same procedure as every year, James! After the dinner, Miss Sophie indicates to a very drunk James that she wishes to retire to bed, to which James responds: James: By the way, the same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie? Miss Sophie (delightedly): The same procedure as every year, James! James: Well, I'll do my very best! Although newer versions have been produced (including a Plattdeutsch radio version and CD versions in other dialects), every year around Silvester (New Year's Eve), German television broadcasts the classic, black-and-white English-language version filmed back in 1963 in Hamburg. All across Germany, from the 31st of December to January 1st, Germans know it's the beginning of a new year when they watch this annual event.
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Rogermue,
we have seen that episode here every New Year Eve since the 60's ;-)
Just like the Strauss concert in Vienna and the Four Hills ski-jumping on New Year Day.
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
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Hi Jyrrkä, I gave a lot of information because I was not sure in which parts of the world or in which countries the sketch is known or not.
I see the film almost every year - and everytime I'm laughing again.
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It's still Jyrkkä, not Jyrrkä.
Most of the Freedelfians call me JJ for short ;-)
From TFD:
Dinner for One, also known as The 90th Birthday, or by its corresponding German title, Der 90. Geburtstag, is a comedy sketch written by British author Lauri Wylie for the theatre in the 1920s. German television station Norddeutscher Rundfunk (NDR) recorded a performance of the piece in 1963, in its original English language. This short comical play subsequently went on to become the most frequently repeated TV programme ever (according to the Guinness Book of Records, 1988-1995 eds.; later editions no longer have the category).
The 18 minute single take black-and-white 1963 TV recording featuring British comedians Freddie Frinton and May Warden has become an integral component of the New Year's Eve schedule of several German television stations, Danish national television and Swedish national television. It has also been a cult television classic in Germany, Norway, Finland, Faroe Islands and Austria: On New Year's Eve 2003 alone, the sketch was broadcast 19 times (on various channels). As of 2005, the sketch has been repeated more than 230 times. It is famous in other countries as well — including German-speaking Switzerland and South Africa. It is a New Year's Eve staple in Australia on the SBS network.
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
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Mary had a little lamb,
And her doctor fainted.
Georgie Porgie
Pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls
And made them cry.
And when the boys
Came out to play,
He kissed them too..
He was funny that way.
Sanity is not statistical
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When the first Mary with the Lamb-verse came up I thought it was a single verse. But now I think there is an endless succession of such Mary-things.
I know such a thing from Germany. When young people gather in evenings and things get funny they begin singing stanzas that all begin with Up there on the mountain there is an old house ...). There must be thousands of these stanzas and every young man seems proud of making up a new one of his own.
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cross-reference to thread Taft in English grammar
If you have the time for a longer explanation go to Taft - it's more than funny. (It's not about grammar but pronunciation.)
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 I just need a lift to town! By JJ in If animals could talk ..., page 11 One of my favourites.
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Talking about heavy dictionaries:
Roger wrote:
I have one of Collins Cobuild dictionaries too. An excellent dictionary - but to tell the truth it's a long time I have used it. The heavier a dictionary, the more seldom I use it. (Don't know if the last sentence is good English, I hope you understand what I mean.)
DragOnspeaker wrote:
Scholar's proverb - "The heavier the dictionary, the more useful it is as a door-stop."
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Funny comic Kitten, in front of a mouse hole, with its arm in the hole: I've got her, Mum, but she's placing herself across! Mouse Comic: Got her ...Click the small image for enlargement. If my translation is not quite idiomatic, don't be shy - put your version here.
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Rogermue, looking at the comment of a post in different thread... should you start a whole new topic in Site Features: "Legendary posts" 
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
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JJ, I don't quite understand. Do you mean I should open a new thread 'Funny comics'?
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Tobacco is a dirty weed. I like it.
It satisfies no normal need. I like it.
It makes you thin, it makes you lean,
It takes the hair right off your bean
It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen.
I like it.
~Graham Lee Hemminger, Tobacco
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." - Satchel Paige
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rogermue wrote:Dinner for one
If this is not too far off-topic, I am very much reminded of the Two Ronnies skit, A Round of Drinks…
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." - Satchel Paige
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Back on the topic of humorous poems: Me analyse over the notion. Me analyse over the "C". Me anaphylactic'd Me last prophylactic O bring back me anatomy.
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." - Satchel Paige
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Leon - lovely!!!
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rogermue wrote:cross-reference to thread Taft in English grammar
If you have the time for a longer explanation go to Taft - it's more than funny. (It's not about grammar but pronunciation.) Just to complete the circle, as it were, here is a link to that thread (oddly enough it's in the "Grammar" section): http://forum.thefreedictionary.com/postst18992_Taft.aspxIf you like that, you might find this of interest: He took his cow out to a movie. At the drive-in they all thought it groovy, That no matter how daft, At each joke the cow laughed, Which would then rock and roll their SUV.
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." - Satchel Paige
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rogermue wrote:Struwwelpeterd: The Hare and the HunterThe full text of the funny story in English from gutenberg.org The Hare and the Hunter in EnglishStruwwelpeter is a successful story book for children by the German physician H. Hoffmann. The book was published as early as 1845. Hoffmann is the first comics writer I know of. He was looking for children's books in the book shops and as he did not find anything suitable he wrote the book for his children on his own. Now I have found the German version with original pictures and translations in English and French Hare and Hunter - German English FrenchPS It's the whole booklet with all the stories - a rarity.
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Wilhelm Busch - Hans Huckebein - a comic story about a raven's adventures and its sad end. Up to now I couldn't find an English translation. Perhaps I'll find one later on or someone else can help. The story was put on the internet by a university in Virginia - with glossary in English. The story is in four parts. Have fun with the picture story - you can understand it without text. Hans Huckebein - original German text with original pictures
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Hans Huckebein, the story of the Raven
by Wilhelm Busch, part 1, line 1-24
1a Here you can see Fritz, the lively rogue
2a and also Huckebein, the young and daring raven.
3a And this Fritz, like all the boys,
4a would love to own a raven bird.
5a Already little Fritz is gliding near the bird
6a with young Raven watching him suspiciously.
7a Wumm! With cunning the bird gets caught
8a in Fritzen's cap.
9a Not yet. He failed.
10a And with a crash the branch comes down.
11a Fritz falling down just in the basket with the berries,
12a and Huckebein is struggling with the lining of the cap.
13a Fritzen's backside being dotted black,
14a the Raven jumping full fear and fright.
15a "Now I have got you, Blackbird,
16a you won't escape, entangled in the lining."
17a "Now, you are mine, Hans Huckebein -
18a Aunt Lottie will be full of joy."
19a Aunt Lottie standing in the door,
20a "Oh, what a darling, that sweet bird!"
21a Hardly had Aunt Lottie spoken,
22a when Raven bit her finger tip. Wow, did it hurt!
23a "Alas! she cries, that bird 's not good,
24 when it does harm me thusly."
Remark
I tried to translate some lines. Perhaps someone can make improvements.
I'm sure I won't do this translation in one go.
I tried to get the pictures as well, but it didn't work.
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Hans Huckebein, the ominous raven
by Wilhelm Busch
Part II, line 25-48
25a Here hiding in the cavern of the pot
26a is Huckbein, the wicked devil.
27a Spitz, the dog, full fury, wants back its bone
28a which Huckebein had stolen.
29a Snarling and croaking, the two of them are drawing,
30a Raven from left, Spitz from the other side.
31a Spitz, the dog, cock sure that he will win,
32a but NO! the raven devil grabs him by the tail.
33a A day of woe! The little devil jumps
34a on Spitzen's neck tearing off his fur.
35a Spitz is pissed off
36a and now it's he who gets the raven's tail.
37a And now the cat comes into play
38a and jumps into the pot with Spitzen's ham in mouth.
39a Now look at them, they stare and stare -
40a A cat? - That isn't fair.
41a The cat claws Spitz, who howls aloud,
42a and Raven sniggers full of joy.
43a And sees, because the pot is broken,
44a the cat's tail sticking out a cleft
in the bottom of pot.
And in no time the Raven grabs the tail.
45a The pot is rolling on the ground.
46a And painful for the cat, its tail is turned into a spiral.
47a Spitz and Cat, they take to flight,
48a The greatest rogue remains victorious on top.
Remark
I hope you will understand that this poor translation of mine
is only a rough rendering of the meaning of the poet's story
with the beautiful rhymes.
This is the first time I try my hand at such a task -
I am no translator.
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Hans Huckebein, the ominous Raven
by Wilhelm Busch
Part III
I think I will do the rest another time.
Part I and II is enough for today.
If someone else will try their hand, they are welcome.
Hans Huckebein, the ominous Raven
by Wilhelm Busch (lines 49-72)
(49) Nichts Schönres gab's für Tante Lotte --- 49a The best of all for Auntie Lottie
(50) Als schwarze Heidelbeerkompotte. -------- 50a was a dessert of bilberries.
(51) Doch Huckebein verschleudert nur -------- 51a But Huckebein the little devil
(52) Die schöne Gabe der Natur. -------------- 52a is having fun with Auntie's best delicacy.
(53) Die Tante naht voll Zorn und Schrecken; - 53a With fury and with fright the aunt comes running
(54) Hans Huckebein verläßt das Becken. ------ 54a and Huckebein turns tail and runs as well -
(55) Und schnell betritt er, angstbeflügelt,-- 55a driven by fear, across the laundry,
(56) Die Wäsche, welche frisch gebügelt. ----- 56a as white as snow and laid out for drying.
(57) O weh! Er kommt ins Tellerbord; --------- 57a Oh God! the little devil takes the cupboard shelf
(58) Die Teller rollen rasselnd fort.--------- 58a and all the plates fall rattling down.
(59) Auch fällt der Korb, worin die Eier- ---- 59a And he pushes down the basket with the eggs -
(60) Ojemine! - und sind so teuer!------------ 60a Oh goodness! - They are so costly.
(61) Patsch! fällt der Krug. Das gute Bier---- 61a Crash! The pitcher falls. It's a shame about the beer!
(62) Ergießt sich in die Stiefel hier. ------- 62a No one will drink it from the boot.
(63) Und auf der Tante linken Fuß ------------ 63a And the bucket full of water
(64) Stürzt sich des Eimers Wasserguß. ------- 64a pours down on Auntie's foot.
(65) Sie hält die Gabel in der Hand,---------- 65a She's holding a fork in her one hand
(66) Und auch der Fritz kommt angerannt. ----- 66a and Fritz, the boy comes running too.
(67) Perdums! da liegen sie. - Dem Fritze -----67a Wumm! There they lie and Fritzen's ear
(68) Dringt durch das Ohr die Gabelspitze. --- 68a get's pierced by Auntie's pointed fork.
(69) Dies wird des Raben Ende sein - --------- 69a This will be the end of Raven -
(70) So denkt man wohl - doch leider, nein! -- 70a so you might think - but no!
(71) Denn - schnupp! - der Tante Nase faßt er; 71a He catches hold of Auntie's nose
(72) Und nochmals triumphiert das Laster! ---- 72a and once again Hans Huckebein is victor.
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Rank: Advanced Member
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I'll give it a go (and hope I don't embarrass myself too badly for my efforts).
(73) Jetzt aber naht sich das Malör, -- But bad times are drawing nigh
(74) Denn dies Getränke ist Likör. -- Since what he's drinking is liquor
(75) Es duftet süß. - Hans Huckebein -- It tastes so sweet. Johnny Hambone [I took the liberty of making up a nonsense name in English]
(76) Taucht seinen Schnabel froh hinein. -- Gladly sticks his beak into it
(77) Und läßt mit stillvergnütem Sinnen -- And lets, with quiet pleasure,
(78) Den ersten Schluck hinunterrinnen. -- The first slug run down his throat
(79) Nicht übel! - Und er taucht schon wieder -- "Not bad!" And he dips again
(80) Den Schnabel in die Tiefe nieder. -- His beak down deep.
(81) Er hebt das Glas und schlürft den Rest, -- He raises the glass and drains the rest
(82) Weil er nicht gern was übrig läßt. -- Because he doesn't like to save things for later.
(83) Ei,ei! Ihm wird so wunderlich, -- Hey, hey, It's all so wonderful
(84) So leicht und doch absunderlich. -- He feels so light and tight.[I know that's not literal, but it sounds better in English]
(85) Er krächzt mit freudigem Getö'n -- He caws with a joyful sound
(86) Und muß auf einem Beine stehn. -- And [feels he] must stand on one leg [right now].
(87) Der Vogel, welcher sonsten fleucht, -- That bird, which otherwise flies,
(88) Wird hier zu einem Tier, was kreucht. -- Now crawls on all fours like a beast.
(89) Und Übermut kommt zum Beschluß, -- And overconfidence brings the result
(90) Der alles ruinieren muß. -- Of ruining everything.
(91) Er zerrt voll roher Lust und Tücke -- For pure spite he pulls apart
(92) Der Tante künstliches Gestricke. -- Auntie's sewing handiwork.
(93) Der Tisch ist glatt - der Böse taumelt - -- The table is slick, the wicked bird stumbles,
(94) Das Ende naht - sieh da! er baumelt. -- The end approaches - See there! He's dangling.
(95) "Die Bosheit war sein Hauptpläsier, -- "Mischief was his main delight
(96) Drum" - spricht die Tante - "hängt er hier!" -- And that is how" says Auntie "he got 'hanged up'" [That's the closest I could get to the pun on „darum hängen“.]
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." - Satchel Paige
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Rank: Member
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Oh, what a surprise in the morning! The work is done!
A great many thanks, Leon Azul.
Such translation work into English is easier for a native speaker.
I can say: "With a little bit of luck, with a little bit of luck,
the blooming work is done by someone else."
Once again my thanks. You made a good job!
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