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nightdream
Posted: Wednesday, September 4, 2019 5:27:35 PM

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Does it sound natural? Please, read and analyse the short tale named "The wolf and the fox".


Once upon a time the wolf and the she-fox were friends-animals.
Once they went together and found a rumen * with food in it on the path.
- Let’s eat it - The wolf said.
- No, a lot of people pass by the place. We should reach the top of the high mountain and eat it there. You will carry it - The she-fox said.
The wolf picked up the rumen, brought and put it onto the top of the mountain.

After it had been brought, the she-fox said:
- None of us will be sated with it, let one of us eat it.
- Which of us will eat it? - The wolf asked.
Let the elder one eat it, how old are you? - The she-fox asked.
The wolf wanted to deceive the she-fox and said:
- This crooked mountain was a small size of a sheep’s head in my childhood; and as to the sea, it was a puddle.

Hearing the words, the she-fox burst into tears.
- Why are you crying? - The wolf surprised.
- I have thought of my three cubs and cannot keep in my feelings … The youngest one was of the same age - the she-fox said, sobbing.
The wolf heard the words and left the rumen to the she-fox and ran away.




A rumen * - a ruminant’s tripe, the first division of a ruminant’s stomach.









Blodybeef
Posted: Thursday, September 5, 2019 1:11:32 AM

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Joined: 9/15/2009
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Location: Ataşehir, Istanbul, Turkey
nightdream wrote:

Once upon a time the wolf and the she-fox were friends-animals.

No need to say "friends-animals" just "friends" is fine. Also "vixen" is a word for "she-fox."

nightdream wrote:

Once they went together and found a rumen * with food in it on the path.

The venerable "went" strikes again. "Went" needs a direction, where did they go? Why? How? Did they take their time, or were they in a hurry?
Instead of "went" please use another verb (wandered, tripped, walked, pranced, etc.)


nightdream wrote:

- No, a lot of people pass by the place. We should reach the top of the high mountain and eat it there. You will carry it - The she-fox said.

"the place" and "the high mountain" sounds ambiguous, you could say "here" and "the highest mountain" to avoid ambiguity.

nightdream wrote:

After it had been brought, ...

You could use active voice here : "Once they reached the top of the highest mountian," it would also add to the continuity of the story.

nightdream wrote:

- None of us will be sated with it, let one of us eat it.

This would mean even if one of them ate the whole thing it wouldn't be enough.

nightdream wrote:

- This crooked mountain was a small size of a sheep’s head in my childhood; and as to the sea, it was a puddle.

In order to add emphasis to this sentence you could say : This crooked mountain was just the size of a small sheep's head in my childhood, and as to the sea, it was but a puddle.

Your command of English language is getting better, keep up the effort! Applause

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching." ― C.S. Lewis
nightdream
Posted: Thursday, September 5, 2019 7:02:59 AM

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Joined: 8/20/2015
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Neurons: 2,482
Thanks for the compliment.


Blodybeef wrote:
[quote=nightdream]

Your command of English language is getting better, keep up the effort! Applause
nightdream
Posted: Thursday, September 5, 2019 7:20:59 AM

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Joined: 8/20/2015
Posts: 877
Neurons: 2,482
Blodybeef wrote:
[quote=nightdream]
Once upon a time the wolf and the she-fox were friends-animals.

No need to say "friends-animals" just "friends" is fine. Also "vixen" is a word for "she-fox."

Did you mean that "friends-animals" is not needed but also is not incorrect?
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, September 6, 2019 6:30:19 PM

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Joined: 9/12/2011
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Neurons: 204,925
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hi.
I'm back, but with not a lot of time . . .

It's incorrect, because it states the obvious.
Everyone who knows the words "wolf" and "fox" knows already that they are animals.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
nightdream
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 3:23:33 PM

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Joined: 8/20/2015
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I'm sorry, I still can't get if "friends-animals" is a mistake or just redundant?
Wilmar (USA)
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 5:48:13 PM

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Location: Vinton, Iowa, United States
nightdream wrote:
I'm sorry, I still can't get if "friends-animals" is a mistake or just redundant?


It's not natural wording.
nightdream
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 7:53:57 PM

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Joined: 8/20/2015
Posts: 877
Neurons: 2,482
Wilmar (USA) wrote:
nightdream wrote:
I'm sorry, I still can't get if "friends-animals" is a mistake or just redundant?


It's not natural wording.



I suspected that it was unnatural.

Then, if I change the placement of the words for "animal friends", will it sound better?

The fox and the wolf were animal friends.


FounDit
Posted: Monday, September 9, 2019 8:00:03 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 11,679
Neurons: 58,539
As DragOnspeaker said, "Everyone who knows the words "wolf" and "fox" knows already that they are animals."

That means it isn't necessary to say they are animal friends. Just say the wolf and fox are friends, and everyone will understand that and know what is meant.

We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
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