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Short Powerful Stories Options
Paul Watson 3
Posted: Friday, April 26, 2019 4:31:38 AM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/10/2019
Posts: 14
Neurons: 12,461
Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
Hi.

I wonder if i could get your opinions , yes , You , and you and you and you. I have found i have a knack for writing some hard hitting powerful short stories. But I have run into a problem...

1. I can only correct and rewrite a story so many times , I just don't see mistakes , I know that they are there.
2. Where to find an audience ?
3. Please let me know what you think , does it suck , is it to hard core ...Is it weird ?

Missed

I sat there like all the air had been let out of me , deflated and wrinkled.
I hated myself for caring about him. Why did I love such a person? So devoid of compassion and romance.
I felt a small sob deep in my chest , a quiet silent cry to the gods.

" I missed you " he said.

My ears perked up like a cats at feeding time.

My eyes sparkled and i could feel the blood rush into my face.
"He missed me ", a choir of angels sang , I could feel the giddy grin instantly appear on my face , my heart rang like a church bell.
I wanted to sing it at the top of my voice.

He missed me .

"You missed me ? " I said cautiously , trying not to let my enthusiasm betray the quietness of my voice.

"Yes , I threw a rock at you and missed "

I then heard him loading his gun , it was at that moment i knew all was lost .

Short Story , by Paul Watson
FounDit
Posted: Friday, April 26, 2019 11:48:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 12,233
Neurons: 60,694
Paul Watson 3 wrote:
Hi.

I wonder if i could get your opinions , yes , You , and you and you and you. I have found i have a knack for writing some hard hitting powerful short stories. But I have run into a problem...
You got me with this one. The "twist" at the end made me laugh out loud. I liked it.

The only things I noticed were a few places where I might put in some punctuation, and, for me, a change in the wording just a bit.

1. I can only correct and rewrite a story so many times , I just don't see mistakes , I know that they are there.
2. Where to find an audience ?
3. Please let me know what you think , does it suck , is it to hard core ...Is it weird ?

Missed
Just my personal opinion, but I don't care for using "like" in this way. I tend to want to read writing that is a bit more formal, but that may be simply my preference. I would use: "I sat there, feeling like a wrinkled, deflated balloon with its air removed."

I sat there, like all the air had been let out of me , deflated and wrinkled.
I hated myself for caring about him. Why did I love such a person? So devoid of compassion and romance.
I felt a small sob deep in my chest; a quiet, silent cry to the gods.

"I missed you," he said.

My ears perked up like those of a cat at feeding time.

My eyes sparkled, and I could feel the blood rush into my face.
[put the thought in italics] He missed me, I thought, and a choir of angels sang. I could feel a giddy grin instantly appear on my face, and my heart rang like a church bell.
I wanted to sing it at the top of my voice.

He missed me.

"You missed me?" I asked cautiously, trying not to let my enthusiasm betray the quietness of my voice.

"Yes, I threw a rock at you and missed."

I then heard him loading his gun, and it was at that moment I knew all was lost .

Short Story , by Paul Watson
Paul Watson 3
Posted: Friday, April 26, 2019 2:27:58 PM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/10/2019
Posts: 14
Neurons: 12,461
Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
Many thanks for that , I can now see the mistakes .. Brilliant ..

I am so glad you enjoyed it. I have found that today's audience is not able to read huge paragraphs , they want a story to grab them , pull them in and blam ..

Again , you do not know what it takes for a creative to put his bad grammar and his soul and pride he has put into this and other stories for the public to read and openly comment on , its a special kind of masochism

Thanks once again .. Please let me know if there is anything that i might do for you.

Paul
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, April 26, 2019 8:26:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 33,165
Neurons: 208,128
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Well I think it was terrible! (You said you had a special kind of masochism, so . . . Whistle Whistle )

I quite liked it actually. I'm definitely not a 'short-story' person.
I LIKE twenty-volume stories - maybe split into five-novel "episodes". So I'm not the best person to critique this.

In reading through it at first, what I noticed was the punctuation - particularly the small "i" and the spaces around commas.

The story (and the 'punch line') were good - appealed to me.
FounDit
Posted: Friday, April 26, 2019 10:41:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 12,233
Neurons: 60,694
Paul Watson 3 wrote:
Many thanks for that , I can now see the mistakes .. Brilliant ..

I am so glad you enjoyed it. I have found that today's audience is not able to read huge paragraphs , they want a story to grab them , pull them in and blam ..
I'm sorry to hear that, but perhaps it isn't too surprising, given the short attention span created in the younger generation by the internet, and the 24 hr. "news" assaults on our senses.

Again , you do not know what it takes for a creative to put his bad grammar and his soul and pride he has put into this and other stories for the public to read and openly comment on , its a special kind of masochism
I am somewhat familiar. I'm not a professional by any means, but for a number of years I wrote opinion pieces in a satirical vein similar to that of Mark Twain (I absolutely loved his writing style). A local editor was kind enough to publish them, and I received some positive feedback. Mine were around 750 words in length, or 3 to 4 pages. I also wrote a couple of short stories, but never published them.

You always hope what your write will be well received, but have to know that there will be many who will not appreciate it, so you have to develop some thick skin.

Thanks once again .. Please let me know if there is anything that i might do for you.

Paul
Paul Watson 3
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2019 7:19:14 PM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/10/2019
Posts: 14
Neurons: 12,461
Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Well I think it was terrible! (You said you had a special kind of masochism, so . . . Whistle Whistle )

I quite liked it actually. I'm definitely not a 'short-story' person.
I LIKE twenty-volume stories - maybe split into five-novel "episodes". So I'm not the best person to critique this.

In reading through it at first, what I noticed was the punctuation - particularly the small "i" and the spaces around commas.

The story (and the 'punch line') were good - appealed to me.


thank you very much, I do appreciate you taking the time to comment.

In my 20 odd years of been computer literate and a very fast typist, I almost type as fast as I can say the words, I was going to say think the words, but I am already plotting something for the irritating lady at work, and wondering about the weather...

Its some very bad habits I have picked up, I have started using the Grammarly application, so far I actually like how I improve my grammar and spelling on the fly and also placements of commas and full stops.


While on about machoism is there a place that I can subject a captured audience to my poetry?


Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, April 30, 2019 2:30:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 33,165
Neurons: 208,128
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Well, you can always post them in 'literature' here. It's not such a popular forum, but you will be viewed.
There are also two games (again, not so popular as some of the other games) - The one called RPG started with 'rules' - one sentence of two rhyming lines - but soon developed into "any doggerel you want (terrible rhymes are OK as long as they're amusing)". There are not many contributors.

The one just called Poem Game is more improvisation, as each posted poem has to have the subject stated in the previous post (then you name a subject for the next person).
The next subject right now is "Afternoons".

If you're serious about masochism, try Sir William Topaz McGonagall - His complete works were published in a book called "The World's Worst Poet" - though the book did have several other names for other editions.

If you want to check grammar (though grammar in poetry is notoriously 'loose') you're better posting it in the "Grammar" forum - where you'll get opinions from across the world.
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