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A musical journey... Options
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2019 4:07:13 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 716
Neurons: 3,800
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A musical journey across America in Elvis Presley's 1963 Rolls Royce exploring on how a country boy lost his authenticity and becomes a king.

Long summary
Forty years after the death of Elvis Presley, a musical road trip across America in his 1963 Rolls Royce explores how a country boy lost his authenticity and becomes a king while his country lost her democracy and becomes an empire.
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2019 12:35:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 11,453
Neurons: 57,791
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
A few things. Omit the word "on" in the short summary. Also, the word "authenticity" seems wrong. Elvis was always genuine. What he may have lost was his innocence, or naiveté.

And I don't understand how American "lost" its "democracy", or why that is in there. We haven't lost it quite yet, in spite of the desire of some to see that accomplished. It seems a strange thing to to associate with him. I would omit that.

Short summary
A musical journey across America in Elvis Presley's 1963 Rolls Royce, exploring on how a country boy lost his innocence/naiveté and becomes a king.

Long summary
Forty years after the death of Elvis Presley, a musical road trip across America in his 1963 Rolls Royce explores how a country boy lost his innocence/naiveté and becomes a king, while his country lost her democracy and becomes an empire.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Sunday, February 10, 2019 2:23:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 716
Neurons: 3,800
And I don't understand how American "lost" its "democracy",

Hmmm, yeah I think I should omit that line too "democracy.." not very suitable. Thanks for pointing out.
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