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Amybal
Posted: Thursday, December 6, 2018 1:49:54 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

This is a box set.

Short summary
In Gol & Gincu, a teen girl learns futsal to win back her boyfriend heart. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, when the fight goes viral on social media, two students face disciplinary action by the university board.

Long summary
A double-bill of two heartwarming family movies. In Gol & Gincu, when a teen girl loses her hot boyfriend, she tries to get him back by taking up futsal, a sport he's crazy about. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, two self-centered University students with the same name but very different personalities. Hauled up by the University board after a public fight that goes viral on social media, the girls face disciplinary action which means hours of community work to set a good example.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, December 6, 2018 1:56:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,906
Neurons: 51,966
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

This is a box set.

Short summary
In Gol & Gincu, a teen girl learns futsal to win back her boyfriend's heart. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, when the fight goes viral on social media, two students face disciplinary action by the university board.

Long summary
A double-bill of two heartwarming family movies. In Gol & Gincu, when a teen girl loses her hot boyfriend, she tries to get him back by taking up futsal, a sport he's crazy about. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, two self-centered University students with the same name but very different personalities. Hauled up by the University board after a public fight that goes viral on social media, the girls face disciplinary action which means hours of community work to set a good example.


The last two sentences are confusing. The two students with the same name do what? You don't finish that sentence. And who are the girls facing disciplinary action?


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, December 12, 2018 11:55:01 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
Ok since they are confusing, I have come out with another version.


A double-bill of two heartwarming family movies. In Gol & Gincu, when a teen girl loses her hot boyfriend, she tries to get him back by taking up futsal, a sport he's crazy about. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, two university students become infamous after a viral video shows them fighting on campus. Due to this, the university assigned the two to do social works to set a better example for the other students.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, December 12, 2018 12:39:33 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,906
Neurons: 51,966
Amybal wrote:
Ok since they are confusing, I have come out with another version.

Much better, thanks. I would change only one thing.

A double-bill of two heartwarming family movies. In Gol & Gincu, when a teen girl loses her hot boyfriend, she tries to get him back by taking up futsal, a sport he's crazy about. In Gol & Gincu Vol. 2, two university students become infamous after a viral video shows them fighting on campus. Due to this, the university assigned the two to do social work to set a better example for the other students.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, December 12, 2018 9:25:22 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
A big thank you to you, FounDit.
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