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Predator 2 Options
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 3:57:16 AM
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Hi, there is anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
Amidst a territorial gang war in 1997, a sophisticated alien hunter stalks the citizens of Los Angeles and the only man between him and his prey is veteran L.A.P.D. officer, Lieutenant Mike Harrigan.

Long summary
It is 1997. Detective-Lieutenant Mike Harrigan and his police force are locked in open warfare against the drug lords and their vicious criminal gangs in Los Angeles' urban jungle. Outnumbered and outgunned, Harrigan and his team are losing control of the streets. Suddenly something terrible and inexplicable begins to happen. One by one, the gang lords are killed by a mysterious and terrifying adversary who strikes with unbridled ferocity and seemingly supernatural power.



Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 4:21:09 AM

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I don't see anything wrong at all.

However, you missed one important detail . . .

Amidst a territorial gang war in 1997, with blood everywhere, a sophisticated alien hunter stalks the citizens of Los Angeles, with even more blood everywhere, and the only man between him and his prey is veteran L.A.P.D. officer, Lieutenant Mike Harrigan, who ends up covered in blood.

Whistle Whistle Whistle

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 4:31:44 AM
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Once again, though, my eternal plaint: the one sentence in the short version is too long: to make it more punchy (and to ensure no-one loses the will to live ploughing through such a long sentence!), I'd but a full stop after Lose Angeles, cut out the 'and' and start the the next "The only man...."
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 4:38:19 AM

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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
You're right.
It would have more impact as two sentences.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
NKM
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 11:25:17 AM

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Considering the nature of the writing, the long sentence is OK — but I'd use a comma after "Los Angeles".

Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 11:38:10 AM

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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
NKM wrote:
Considering the nature of the writing, the long sentence is OK — but I'd use a comma after "Los Angeles".

But what about the "blood everywhere" phrases?

(Have you seen the movie? Sick Anxious )

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 1:34:04 PM
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Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

NK,

However, the sentence naturally falls into two parts: the first deals with the "baddie". The second part introduces the "goodie" - a new character and, actually the protagonist. Two different ideas and subjects - two different sentences.

Nobody reads a cover blurb for the prose. Short, snappy sentences, each containing a basic byte of information, are called for; so that the person can make a two-minute assessment and decision about whether they want to rent/buy the film or not.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 2:56:32 PM

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I am assuming the OP was edited, since I don't see a "blood everywhere" phrase in the post. The revised post reads very well, however.



Short summary
Amidst a territorial gang war in 1997, a sophisticated alien hunter stalks the citizens of Los Angeles and the only man between him and his prey is veteran L.A.P.D. officer, Lieutenant Mike Harrigan.

Long summary
It is 1997. Detective-Lieutenant Mike Harrigan and his police force are locked in open warfare against the drug lords and their vicious criminal gangs in Los Angeles' urban jungle. Outnumbered and outgunned, Harrigan and his team are losing control of the streets. Suddenly something terrible and inexplicable begins to happen. One by one, the gang lords are killed by a mysterious and terrifying adversary who strikes with unbridled ferocity and seemingly supernatural power.

Btw, do we know that the alien, excuse me, undocumented killer, er...undocumented being/visitor is a male? Might it not be female? She does, after all, enjoy slaughtering men in particular. Perhaps she is a FemiNazi...er, um...Feminist...um, Social Justice Warrior on her planet...Ummm?...Think Whistle rotflmao

Sometimes I just have to laugh at it...



We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Sarrriesfan
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 4:38:45 PM

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Location: Luton, England, United Kingdom
The Predator ( or Yautja as their species is known) does kill female commuters on the Metro train scene that draw guns on it and some arms female gang members.

It spares the female cop as she is pregnant and a good hunter does not kill the next generation of prey.

Alhough FounDit is correct it's gender is unknown .

I lack the imagination for a witty signature.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, December 6, 2018 12:21:40 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
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Sarrriesfan wrote:
The Predator ( or Yautja as their species is known) does kill female commuters on the Metro train scene that draw guns on it and some arms female gang members.

It spares the female cop as she is pregnant and a good hunter does not kill the next generation of prey.

Alhough FounDit is correct it's gender is unknown .


Right. I was just having a bit of fun with political correctness and the word "alien".

We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
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