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Atatürk
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 4:21:09 AM
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Joined: 10/25/2018
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Studies on students find that there is both a link between a higher level of hope and having a better performance in education, and a link between physical exercise and better results of psychotherapy and physical health (Hass, 2005).


Too many "ands" in there, how can it be fixed please?
Romany
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 6:40:51 AM
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Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom
"Student studies have shown that, just as there is a link between high levels of hope and better educational outcomes; a link also exists between physical exercise and positive outcomes."

With the greatest of respect to Hass (about whom I know nothing, btw,) while s/he may be an expert in their field, they are not particularly skilled in writing English. The sentence quoted is rather clumsy, rambling and unclear.

Also the conclusion that there is "...a link between physical excercise and better...physical health..." was not proved in the student studies referred to in the text. That's silly. The links between physical excercise and better physical health have been established since before our calender was even established.

This person is, however, a scientific or medical person not, I would think, an expert also in the English language! So I expect that, if you are going to look for ways in which language can be improved, you might find Hass's texts a bit of a gold-mine?
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 12:09:10 PM

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Joined: 9/19/2011
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Atatürk wrote:
Studies on students find that there is both a link between a higher level of hope and having a better performance in education, and a link between physical exercise and better results of psychotherapy and physical health (Hass, 2005).


Too many "ands" in there, how can it be fixed please?




My suggestion:

Studies on students find that, just as there is a link between a higher level of hope and having a better performance in education, there is also a link between physical exercise and good mental health. (Hass, 2005).


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Romany
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 5:51:20 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 14,541
Neurons: 45,412
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

One area in which I disagree completely with Foundit is in utilising the OPs "...having a better performance in education...". This is just not the way we would phrase "better educational outcomes." One doesn't "perform" education.

I also think Foundit unintentionally slipped up a little there - One can't change an original quote by so much as a preposition or comma. Thus using a sentence of one's own making and still putting a quote citation next to it is not permitted. One could find oneself involved in a hefty law suite!!
Hope123
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 9:38:30 AM

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Joined: 3/23/2015
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Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Rom,

One of the few times I disagree with you - Although there are four "ands" in the sentence, there is only one used to combine two thoughts. Yes, perhaps the sentence could be tightened up, but the sentence reads just fine to me. You eliminated the psychotherapy phrase so really only reduced it by one "and".


Students do perform in education, (work ethics, marks) and just because a link was made previously between two subjects does not mean there was not a link found in these studies.





The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Atatürk
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 11:36:47 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 79
Neurons: 270
This is an indirect quote, a paraphrase.
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