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Amybal
Posted: Monday, June 11, 2018 12:54:55 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 136
Neurons: 801
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?

Basically, there are three different stories.

Nurse
Short: Nurse Roselyn is transferred to Ward 7, the most haunted of all. But she doesn’t believe in ghosts, until she meets a strange patient in the ward.
Long: Nurse Roselyn is transferred from Ward 3 to Ward 7 that has a reputation of being haunted. But she is not scared and is totally dedicated to caring for the patients. Then she meets Piangpid, a patient in Ward 7 with a very peculiar condition who often hallucinates and calls out the name “Duang” while murmuring “My daughter, I’m sorry”. One night, Roselyn hears heavy breathing and whispering through the intercom, and goes to check. It is 3am, and she is about to experience something that will change her mind about not believing in ghosts.

The Painter
Short : White’s Sister, Pink, has disappeared after she went to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok to pose for a painter. White goes to the mansion and offers to pose for the painter because that’s the only way to find out.
Long : Where her sister is. That old, creepy mansion has paintings of women hung on every wall and they seem to be alive. White will pose for the painter, who has his face covered under a mask, and leave the mansion before 3am every night. Night after night, things start to get spookier. As she tries to find traces of her sister, White is threatened by the spirit of a mysterious old woman. The more she looks, the stranger everything seems. And at 3am, the horror of the paintings finally comes out at her.

Bus Station
Short : An accountant meets a girl on bus who leads him to a horrifying experience at 3am.
Long : Nont, an accountant who works in Bangkok, finishes work late and takes public bus home every night. One night, Nont meets a mysterious and scary girl clad in black on the bus. She sits alone and silent. Nont secretly watches her as the bus keeps going into the night and soon leads him to a horrifying experience at 3am.




Wilmar (USA)
Posted: Monday, June 11, 2018 4:18:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 936
Neurons: 344,048
Location: Vinton, Iowa, United States
You don't ask for much, do you!
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 3:45:41 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 136
Neurons: 801
Hi, Wilmar (USA)
Really, I'm sorry.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 11:54:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,017
Neurons: 48,351
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?
My suggestions: There are many ways to write these, but I tried to leave as much as possible in your own words.

Basically, there are three different stories.

Nurse
Short: Nurse Roselyn is transferred to Ward 7, the most haunted of all. But she doesn’t believe in ghosts, until she meets a strange patient in the ward.
Long: Nurse Roselyn is transferred from Ward 3 to Ward 7 which has a reputation of being haunted. But she is not scared and is totally dedicated to caring for the patients. Then she meets Piangpid, a patient in Ward 7 with a very peculiar condition who often hallucinates and calls out the name “Duang” while murmuring “My daughter, I’m sorry”. One night, Roselyn hears heavy breathing and whispering through the intercom, and goes to check. It is 3am, and she is about to experience something that will change her mind about not believing in ghosts.

The Painter
Short : White’s Sister, Pink, has disappeared after she went to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok to pose for a painter. To discover what has happened to her sister, White also goes to the mansion and offers to pose for the painter.
Long : The creepy old mansion has paintings of women hung on every wall and they seem to be alive. White will pose for the painter, who has his face covered under a mask, and leaves the mansion before 3am every night. Night after night, things start to get spookier. As she tries to find traces of her sister, White is threatened by the spirit of a mysterious old woman. The more she investigates, the stranger everything seems. And at 3am, the horror of the paintings is finally revealed.

Bus Station
Short : An accountant meets a girl on bus who leads him to a horrifying experience at 3am.
Long : Nont, an accountant who works in Bangkok, finishes work late and takes a public bus home every night. One night, Nont meets a mysterious and ominous girl clad in black on the bus. She sits alone and silent. Nont secretly watches her as the bus keeps going into the night and soon she leads him to a horrifying experience at 3am.






A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2018 3:10:12 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 136
Neurons: 801
Thank you so much for the correction.

I made slight changes and beautify the sentences, hope they are good to go. Try this:

Short: A young nurse, Roselyn, is transferred to Ward 7, the most haunted of all. But she doesn’t believe in ghosts, until she meets a strange patient in the ward.
Long: A young nurse, Roselyn, is transferred from Ward 3 to Ward 7 which has a reputation of being haunted. But she is not scared and is totally dedicated to caring for the patients. Then she meets Piangpid, a patient in Ward 7 with a very peculiar condition. One night, Roselyn hears heavy breathing and whispering through the intercom, and goes to check. It is 3am, and she is about to experience something that will change her mind about not believing in ghosts.

Short: When a young girl has disappeared after she went to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok, her sister goes to the mansion to discover what has happened to her sister.
Long: White’s sister, Pink, has disappeared after she went to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok to pose for a painter. To discover what has happened to her sister, White also goes to the mansion and offers to pose for the painter. Night after night, things start to get spookier. As she tries to find traces of her sister, White is threatened by the spirit of a mysterious old woman. The more she investigates, the stranger it gets. And at 3am, the horror of the paintings is finally revealed.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2018 10:36:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,017
Neurons: 48,351
Amybal wrote:
Thank you so much for the correction.

I made slight changes and beautify the sentences, hope they are good to go. Try this:
Very good, but I would make one change.

Short: A young nurse, Roselyn, is transferred to Ward 7, the most haunted of all. But she doesn’t believe in ghosts, until she meets a strange patient in the ward.
Long: A young nurse, Roselyn, is transferred from Ward 3 to Ward 7 which has a reputation of being haunted. But she is not scared and is totally dedicated to caring for the patients. Then she meets Piangpid, a patient in Ward 7 with a very peculiar condition. One night, Roselyn hears heavy breathing and whispering through the intercom, and goes to check. It is 3am, and she is about to experience something that will change her mind about not believing in ghosts.

Short: When a young girl disappears after going to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok, her sister goes to the mansion to discover what has happened to her.
Long: White’s sister, Pink, has disappeared after she went to a mysterious mansion in Bangkok to pose for a painter. To discover what has happened to her sister, White also goes to the mansion and offers to pose for the painter. Night after night, things start to get spookier. As she tries to find traces of her sister, White is threatened by the spirit of a mysterious old woman. The more she investigates, the stranger it gets. And at 3am, the horror of the paintings is finally revealed.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2018 4:04:01 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 136
Neurons: 801
yay, thank you FounDit.
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