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Grammar Options
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, June 5, 2018 11:43:43 PM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 251
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Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence? And please which long summary sounds good?

Short
When a young widow is interrupted by a brutal gang who intend to rob her, she fights back and kills the attackers. But soon, the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

Long
1. Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intention of raping her and stealing her cattle. To defend herself, she kills several of the men, including their chief. Determined to obtain justice, she embarks on a journey of redemption and empowerment, but the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

2. Marlina is a grieving widow living alone in Sumbam, Indonesia. One night, a man named Markus and his gang try to rob her house. She poisons them and beheads Markus. More trouble arises as she not only gets haunted by his headless spirit but the gang is now hunting her down to take back his head, as it is a Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.
Two Tails
Posted: Wednesday, June 6, 2018 5:16:19 AM

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Location: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Ooh. It's actually hard to say... Hmm... Think
I'll have to have a good think about it... Sorry this wasn't helpful.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, June 6, 2018 12:22:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,272
Neurons: 49,510
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence? And please which long summary sounds good?
Each has points in its favor, so I think I would combine them into a new summary.

Short
When a young widow is confronted by a brutal gang who intend to rob her, she fights back and kills some of the attackers. But soon, the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

Long
1. Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intention of raping her and stealing her cattle. To defend herself, she kills their chief and several of the men, cutting off the head of one. Trouble follows when the ghost of the headless man haunts her, and the remainder of the gang hunts her. They are looking for the severed head, because it is Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.



We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, June 6, 2018 10:30:08 PM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 251
Neurons: 1,373
Hi FounDit, thank you for the correction.

Few points would like to highlight here:

1. In short it says she is being rob but in long it says she is being rape and rob. So, to make it consistent I think it's good to omit the word "rape", what do you think?

2. Instead of saying "ghost" in short and Long, I would like to recommend the word spirit. Do you think it works better?

Short
When a young widow is confronted by a brutal gang who intend to rob her, she fights back and kills some of the attackers. But soon, the spirit of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

Long
Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intention of raping her and stealing her cattle. To defend herself, she kills their chief and several of the men, cutting off the head of one. Trouble follows when the spirit of the headless man haunts her, and the remainder of the gang hunts her. They are looking for the severed head, because it is Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.
palapaguy
Posted: Wednesday, June 6, 2018 10:56:04 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/28/2013
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Location: Calabasas, California, United States
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence? And please which long summary sounds good?

...

Long
More trouble arises as she not only gets haunted by his headless spirit but the gang is now hunting her down to take back his head, as it is a Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.


That spirit is out of luck. Sorry, spirit. No matter what they do, the corpse will not be "intact" even if they re-attach the head.

Written by someone who actually lived there in the 1980s.
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, June 7, 2018 3:02:37 AM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
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Neurons: 1,373
Hi palapaguy,

Since I've decided to omit the word "rape" in long summary, please check are they sounds good?

Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intent to rob her house. To defend herself, she kills their chief and several of the men, cutting off the head of one. More trouble arises as she not only gets haunted by his headless spirit but the gang is now hunting her down to take back his head, as it is a Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, June 7, 2018 11:33:47 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,272
Neurons: 49,510
Amybal wrote:
Hi palapaguy,

Since I've decided to omit the word "rape" in long summary, please check are they sounds good?
Earlier, you mention stealing her cattle. Those would be more valuable than her household things, so I would leave that in the description. Otherwise, I think it sounds good, unless you want to follow palapaguy's advice. Perhaps, the burial can be held with a "complete" corpse, rather than "intact".

Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intent to rob her house and steal her cattle. To defend herself, she kills their chief and several of the men, cutting off the head of one. More trouble arises as she not only gets haunted by his headless spirit but the gang is now hunting her down to take back his head, as it is a Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact (a complete) corpse.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Squawk Box
Posted: Thursday, June 7, 2018 3:49:08 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 1/5/2017
Posts: 46
Neurons: 1,080
Location: Saint Petersburg, Florida, United States
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence? And please which long summary sounds good?

Short
When a young widow is interrupted by a brutal gang who intend to rob her, she fights back and kills the attackers. But soon, the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

Long
1. Marlina, a young widow, lives alone deep in the remote hills of an Indonesian island. One day, a gang appears with the intention of raping her and stealing her cattle. To defend herself, she kills several of the men, including their chief. Determined to obtain justice, she embarks on a journey of redemption and empowerment, but the ghost of one of the men she killed returns to haunt her.

2. Marlina is a grieving widow living alone in Sumbam, Indonesia. One night, a man named Markus and his gang try to rob her house. She poisons them and beheads Markus. More trouble arises as she not only gets haunted by his headless spirit but the gang is now hunting her down to take back his head, as it is a Sumba belief that a burial cannot be held without an intact corpse.


The Short sentences sounds good as is, but I might use a colon, to join them together. The Long sentence? I would choose number two: and it sounds like Marlina, is no one to mess with.Anxious
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