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Amybal
Posted: Monday, April 16, 2018 11:07:58 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 209
Neurons: 1,169
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A man organizes a bungee jumping session for his three adrenaline-loving nephews. Amidst activity, however, the bungee rope snaps off. What happens exactly? Will they survive?

Long Summary
Johan, Syafiq and Zed are left orphaned after the unexpected death of their parents in a car accident. As these three brothers love their rugged activities, their uncle, Razak has organized bungee jumping activity for them and give his old bungee jump cord. He altered the ropes in hope that they will jump to their death. Why their uncle planning for their death? What his real mission behind this cruel plan?
Islami
Posted: Monday, April 16, 2018 11:49:52 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 7/21/2017
Posts: 93
Neurons: 490
Long Summary
Johan, Syafiq and Zed are left orphaned after the unexpected death of their parents in a car accident. As these three brothers love their rugged activities, their uncle, Razak has organized bungee jumping activity for them and give his old bungee jump cord. He altered the ropes in hope that they will jump to their death. Why their uncle planning for their death? What his real mission behind this cruel plan?


Long Summary
Johan, Syafiq and Zed are left orphaned after the untimely death of their parents in a car accident. As these three brothers love their rugged activities, their uncle, Razak has organized bungee jumping activity for them and gave his old bungee jump cord. He altered the ropes in the hope that they will jump to their death. Why their uncle was planning for their death? What his real mission behind this cruel plan was? IMO

Just because the writer of an article is British doesn't mean that they use English correctly-DragOnspeaker.
Amybal
Posted: Monday, April 16, 2018 12:10:21 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 209
Neurons: 1,169
Thank you for correcting Islami.

But it has to be in present tense. Do you find any issue with the sentence structure?
FounDit
Posted: Monday, April 16, 2018 3:14:25 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,140
Neurons: 48,958
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?
My suggestions:

Short summary
A man organizes a bungee jumping session for his three adrenaline-loving nephews. Amidst the activity, however, the bungee cord snaps. What happens exactly? Will they survive?

Long Summary
Johan, Syafiq and Zed are left orphaned after the unexpected death of their parents in a car accident. As these three brothers love their rugged activities, their uncle, Razak, organizes a bungee jumping activity for them and gives them his old bungee jump cords, unaware that he has altered them, in the hope that they will jump to their deaths. Why did their uncle plan for their deaths? What is his real mission behind this cruel plan?


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
AndEng
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2018 7:25:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/30/2012
Posts: 414
Neurons: 27,755
Hi FounDit

I don't quite understand the function of "unaware" in the sentence that you amended. Who is unaware? The boys? The uncle has done that deliberately in order to see them die. Am I right?
Maybe I don't understand the meaning of "unaware that" in this case.
Could you please clarify it?

Thanks so much in advance.

AndEng

"Search as if you are going to find, and find as if you have still to search....." (St. Augustine)
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, April 17, 2018 12:37:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,140
Neurons: 48,958
AndEng wrote:
Hi FounDit

I don't quite understand the function of "unaware" in the sentence that you amended. Who is unaware? The boys? The uncle has done that deliberately in order to see them die. Am I right?
Maybe I don't understand the meaning of "unaware that" in this case.
Could you please clarify it?

Thanks so much in advance.

AndEng


Yes, I can see why this may be confusing for some. You are correct that it is the boys who are unaware. A native speaker probably wouldn't have any trouble with it because of the pronouns. There are three boys, and they love rugged activities.

They have an uncle, and he gave them bungee cords. However, he altered the cords, so they might die. They are unaware of his plan.

So wherever you see a plural pronoun, it refers to the boys, and wherever you see a singular pronoun, it refers to the uncle.

But to make it more clear, I'll rewrite it.

Long Summary
Johan, Syafiq and Zed are left orphaned after the unexpected death of their parents in a car accident. These three brothers love their rugged activities. Their uncle, Razak, organizes a bungee jumping activity for them and gives them his old bungee jump cords, which he has secretly damaged. He is hoping that they will jump to their deaths. The boys are unaware of Razak's wish to kill them. Why did their uncle plan for their deaths? What is his real mission behind this cruel plan?


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
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