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Walking the streets towards the old theater performing his ritual Options
Nikitus
Posted: Monday, June 19, 2017 12:18:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 248
Neurons: 1,156
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Dear forum members: First of all, thanks for all your time and help.

I have the following questions:



Ralf was sitting on the floor of the street with his dog. Kevin, Walking the streets towards the old theater performing his ritual, he saw his old friend, in a worse condition than usual, which caused that Kevin strangely decided to break his self-imposed rules of his own ritual and came to talk to Ralf.

They both walked towards the restaurant. Kevin entered to Mandy's. People looked with distrust at Ralf who had ragged clothes, reason why he refused to enter. Kevin's words convince him to enter without guilt or fears to the restaurant, where they were well attended by the waiters.



It is correct to write "Ralf was sitting on the floor of the street with his dog"

It is correct to write "Walking the streets towards the old theater performing his ritual, he saw his old friend, in a worse condition than usual."

It is correct to write "which caused that Kevin strangely decided to break his self-imposed rules of his own ritual and came to talk to Ralf."

It is correct to write "They both walked towards the restaurant. Kevin entered to Mandy's. People looked with distrust at Ralf who had ragged clothes, reason why he refused to enter."

It is correct to write "Kevin's words convince him to enter without guilt or fears to the restaurant, where they were well attended by the waiters."



Thanks.

pjharvey
Posted: Monday, June 19, 2017 6:14:12 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/13/2012
Posts: 753
Neurons: 42,327
All the sentences need correcting, but it's not clear to me what you mean: was Ralf sitting or walking, first of all?, and what does the "ritual" consist in: just walking towards the old theatre, or walking with a particular gait, or what else?
Nikitus
Posted: Monday, June 19, 2017 9:17:36 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 248
Neurons: 1,156
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Dear pjharvey:

First of all, thanks for your answer.

Ralf is a hobo and he was sitting in the floor.

The ritual consist in the following: Kevin must walk from his house to the theater, doing a lot of things, saying determined things, running in determined places, sitting in determined places, and a lot of things.

Thanks.
Romany
Posted: Monday, June 19, 2017 9:21:46 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 12,030
Neurons: 36,520
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

Nikitus: - Unfortunately pj is right with this particular text. It doesn't work well at all. The thing is, there are a lot of things to discuss and would take quite a while to do.

So I'll start off by saying that a 'floor' is made of concrete or wood or tiles, and is inside a building. The street is what one walks or drives on - it doesn't have a 'floor'. So, he was either sitting on the street...or he was inside, (or on a verandah) sitting on a floor.

Having established WHERE he is, we next need to know WHAT he's doing. You've said he's sitting down. But in the next sentence he is walking. This is the confusion PJ is referring to also.

Perhaps someone else will come and explain a couple of the other little mistakes. (I say 'little' because, although I've said there are quite a few errors, I don't want you to think your work is bad: we understand what it is you're trying to say. It just needs a little tweaking. English is pretty confusing, isn't it?)
pjharvey
Posted: Wednesday, June 21, 2017 5:50:40 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/13/2012
Posts: 753
Neurons: 42,327
More confusion is added by the position of the subjects and the use of capital letters: in fact, I had thought that Kevin is the name of Ralf's dog, while I now see that he is a completely different person, and, as it is, the one that was walking!
So now I'll try my hand at correcting:

"Ralf was sitting on the street with his dog. Kevin, walking towards the old theater performing his ritual, on seeing his old friend noticed that Ralf was in a worse condition than usual, which caused him to strangely decide to break his self-imposed ritual rules and go to talk to Ralf.

They both walked towards the restaurant, Mandy's. Kevin went in and saw that people looked with distrust at Ralf, whose clothes were ragged, for which reason Ralf refrained from stepping in. Kevin's words convinced him to go in without being afraid or feeling guilty; once inside, the waiters served them well."
Nikitus
Posted: Wednesday, June 21, 2017 10:00:11 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 248
Neurons: 1,156
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Dear pjharvey:

Thanks for your help and time.

I will try to explain about the subjects (sorry for the confussion)

Ralf: Is a hobo
Kevin: Is a man, around 35 years old

"Ralf was sitting on the street with his dog. Suddenly, Kevin a man of 36 years old, was walking towards the old theater performing his ritual. After seeing his old friend he noticed that Ralf was in a worse condition than usual, which caused him to strangely decide to break his self-imposed ritual rules and go to talk to Ralf.

They both walked towards the restaurant, Mandy's. Kevin went in and saw that people looked with distrust at Ralf, whose clothes were ragged, for which reason Ralf refrained from stepping in. Kevin's words convinced him to go in without being afraid or feeling guilty; once inside, the waiters served them well."


Thanks.
thar
Posted: Wednesday, June 21, 2017 10:24:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 15,162
Neurons: 60,210
Check the application of tenses here.

Progressive
suddenly......Kevin was walking

Do those two ideas work together? What happened suddenly?

Use of adverbs.
A couple of things to think about.
Placement of adverbs.
....strangely decide....

Does that apply to that verb, or the whole phrase. What was strange? Was it the way he decided strange, or was his decision strange?

But, even then - was his decision strange?
You give a reason, then say it is strange:
which caused him to strangely decide to break his .......
you seem to have explained it, so how can it be strange?

I know that is not a grammatical point, but it is about expressing your ideas clearly, so I think it is worth mentioning.

And I am glad the other verbs got more consistent, past tense.
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