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Kelly searched the video on internet Options
Nikitus
Posted: Wednesday, May 17, 2017 9:36:26 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 232
Neurons: 1,076
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and time.

I want to ask about the following:

Kelly searched the video on internet, and showed it to Sue in the laptop. Sue watched it, realizing that it was an old video, identifying a young Kevin and then a young Kelly. As the video progressed, Amber's face changed, from her usual joy, through incredulity and finally indignation as she could'nt believe the events happening in the recording she watched. Sue was annoyed and observed Kelly directly in the eyes once the home video ends.


Is it correct to write "Kelly searched the video on internet, and showed it to Sue in the laptop."

Is it correct to write "Sue watched it, realizing that it was an old video, identifying a young Kevin and then a young Kelly."

Is it correct to write "As the video progressed, Amber's face changed, from her usual joy, through incredulity and finally indignation as she could'nt believe the events happening in the recording she watched."

is it correct to write "Sue was annoyed and observed Kelly directly in the eyes once the home video ends."


Thanks.
thar
Posted: Wednesday, May 17, 2017 10:00:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 15,009
Neurons: 59,559
A few points for you to look at and rewrite.

The direct object of the verb 'to search':
You search a room
You search for a knife.
You search the room for a knife
[You search for a knife in the room]

participle phrases
Inserted as a comma-separated phrase, these give the reason you did something:
I ate breakfast, being hungry, and went to work.

You need to think about the structure of that sentence. You can use a participle phrase, in the way that you have used the second one.
Sue watched it, identifying a young Kelly.

But you need a different structure, like a conjunction -
eg
....., realising.... and identifying......


in/on the laptop? It is the surface - the screen, not the electronics inside, that shows the image.
It is the same as on TV, on a computer, on any screen.

I don't know if this is a mistake in spelling, grammar, or typing, but what letter is being replaced by the apostrophe in 'could not'?

Careful with your tenses - they should all match.

'To look someone in the eye' is an idiom meaning to confront them, challenge them. It cannot be replaced by another verb such as 'to observe'.
Nikitus
Posted: Friday, May 19, 2017 9:38:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 232
Neurons: 1,076
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
I tried to make the corrections related with thar post.


Kelly searched for the video in the internet, and showed it to Sue, on the laptop. Sue watched it, realizing that it was an old video. She identified a young Kevin and then a young Kelly. As the video progressed, Amber's face changed, from her usual joy, through incredulity and finally indignation as she could'nt believe the events happening in the recording she watched. Sue was annoyed and looked Kelly directly in the eyes once the home video ended.

Are the sentences grammatically correct?

*I did not know how to make this part of the changes:


You need to think about the structure of that sentence. You can use a participle phrase, in the way that you have used the second one.
Sue watched it, identifying a young Kelly.

But you need a different structure, like a conjunction -
eg
....., realising.... and identifying......
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Friday, May 19, 2017 12:15:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 25,608
Neurons: 134,051
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
It's not bad at all - a few minor slips, but nothing making it difficult to understand.

You had the right preposition at first, 'on' - it was just the "for' which was missing.

"Kelly searched for the video on the internet" or (better) "Kelly searched the internet for the video".
I've omitted a comma and moved the apostrophe in "couldn't"

Kelly searched for the video on the internet, and showed it to Sue on the laptop. Sue watched it, realizing that it was an old video. She identified a young Kevin and then a young Kelly. As the video progressed, Amber's face changed, from her usual joy, through incredulity and finally indignation as she couldn't believe the events happening in the recording she watched. Sue was annoyed and looked Kelly directly in the eyes once the home video ended.

Not my style - but correct, and not unnatural-sounding.

Edited to add - one thing I would change is the 'realising it was' to 'and realised that it was'.
It's not an easy sentence, because there are three ideas - but they are so inter-twined that it is a shame to split the sentence. I think this works:

Kelly searched for the video on the internet, and showed it to Sue on the laptop. Sue watched it and realized, identifying a young Kevin and then a young Kelly, that it was an old video. As the video progressed, Amber's face changed, from her usual joy, through incredulity and finally indignation as she couldn't believe the events happening in the recording she watched. Sue was annoyed and looked Kelly directly in the eyes once the home video ended.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Nikitus
Posted: Friday, May 19, 2017 1:10:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/17/2013
Posts: 232
Neurons: 1,076
Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Dear thar and Drag0nspeaker

Thanks for all your help and time.

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