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Carmenex
Posted: Thursday, May 04, 2017 9:14:09 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
• engaged in (the optimization of)/optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and (in their characterization)/(characterizing these materials) including:
- evaluation of (their?, can it be omitted?) mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance (properties?, can it be omitted?)
- analysis of (their?, can it be omitted) chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, May 04, 2017 11:11:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
My suggestions and preferences:

• engaged in optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and in their characterization including:
- evaluation of their mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance properties
- analysis of their chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Friday, May 05, 2017 9:07:01 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
My suggestions and preferences:

• engaged in optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and in their characterization including:
- evaluation of their mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance properties
- analysis of their chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. Is, therefore, not a problem the use of a gerund optimizing and a noun characterization in the same sentence (I would expect optimization and characterization, or optimizing and characterizing)? Would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?
FounDit
Posted: Friday, May 05, 2017 1:27:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
My suggestions and preferences:

• engaged in optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and in their characterization including:
- evaluation of their mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance properties
- analysis of their chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. Is, therefore, not a problem the use of a gerund optimizing and a noun characterization in the same sentence (I would expect optimization and characterization, or optimizing and characterizing)? Would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?


Yes. My mistake. I deleted the wrong choice, intending to leave in "the optimization of".

A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Friday, May 05, 2017 3:13:56 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
My suggestions and preferences:

• engaged in optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and in their characterization including:
- evaluation of their mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance properties
- analysis of their chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. Is, therefore, not a problem the use of a gerund optimizing and a noun characterization in the same sentence (I would expect optimization and characterization, or optimizing and characterizing)? Would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?


Yes. My mistake. I deleted the wrong choice, intending to leave in "the optimization of".


Thank you, FounDit. And, would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, May 06, 2017 10:46:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following:
My suggestions and preferences:

• engaged in optimizing the production process of, and coating techniques for, metallic materials (mainly steel, copper and nickel) and composites, and in their characterization including:
- evaluation of their mechanical properties (hardness, tensile strength, etc.) physical properties (electrical resistivity, heat capacity, etc.), tribological properties and corrosion resistance properties
- analysis of their chemical composition and surface structure by using XRD, optical microscopy, electron microscopy (TEM, SEM, EDX), etc.


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. Is, therefore, not a problem the use of a gerund optimizing and a noun characterization in the same sentence (I would expect optimization and characterization, or optimizing and characterizing)? Would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?


Yes. My mistake. I deleted the wrong choice, intending to leave in "the optimization of".


Thank you, FounDit. And, would omitting their be incorrect or would it change the meaning of the sentence?


Not necessarily incorrect, but vague. By using it, it is more clearly understood that it is the metallic materials and composites that are being referenced.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 10:54:18 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines
FounDit
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 3:12:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:

• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 3:46:07 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in particular, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
(engaged in?) optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
(engaged in?) evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects for/in structures and pipelines
FounDit
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 3:54:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in your opinion, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
engaged in evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines

I think both read well. The only thing that stood out to me was that word "the" before corrosion. I thought it read better without it, or move it to a position before "evaluation" [engaged in the evaluation of corrosion resistance...]


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 4:09:23 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in your opinion, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
engaged in evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines

I think both read well. The only thing that stood out to me was that word "the" before corrosion. I thought it read better without it, or move it to a position before "evaluation" [engaged in the evaluation of corrosion resistance...]


Thank you, FounDit. When saying both read well, do you mean that both engaged in could be omitted? Do you not think that a preposition such as of should be included after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• (engaged in) evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
If joined the two sentences with as well as, from a grammatical point of view, should it be followed by a noun or gerund, that is: ..., as well as evaluating/evaluation of the corrosion resistance and detecting/detection of ...
FounDit
Posted: Monday, May 15, 2017 4:42:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in your opinion, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
engaged in evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines

I think both read well. The only thing that stood out to me was that word "the" before corrosion. I thought it read better without it, or move it to a position before "evaluation" [engaged in the evaluation of corrosion resistance...]


Thank you, FounDit. When saying both read well, do you mean that both engaged in could be omitted?
No. I meant that both could be included. Since "engaged" conveys the idea of "involved in" or "occupied with", I had no problem including the phrase twice.
Do you not think that a preposition such as of should be included after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• (engaged in) evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
If joined the two sentences with as well as, from a grammatical point of view, should it be followed by a noun or gerund, that is: ..., as well as evaluating/evaluation of the corrosion resistance and detecting/detection of ...

Well, you already have "evaluation of" and detection of" in your bullet point. If you desire to use "as well as" in the second part, I see no reason you cannot. It's just a matter of style and personal word choice, and not a right or wrong situation. Either way would sound fine, I think.

A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Saturday, May 20, 2017 5:13:09 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in your opinion, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
engaged in evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines

I think both read well. The only thing that stood out to me was that word "the" before corrosion. I thought it read better without it, or move it to a position before "evaluation" [engaged in the evaluation of corrosion resistance...]


Thank you, FounDit. When saying both read well, do you mean that both engaged in could be omitted?
No. I meant that both could be included. Since "engaged" conveys the idea of "involved in" or "occupied with", I had no problem including the phrase twice.
Do you not think that a preposition such as of should be included after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• (engaged in) evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
If joined the two sentences with as well as, from a grammatical point of view, should it be followed by a noun or gerund, that is: ..., as well as evaluating/evaluation of the corrosion resistance and detecting/detection of ...

Well, you already have "evaluation of" and detection of" in your bullet point. If you desire to use "as well as" in the second part, I see no reason you cannot. It's just a matter of style and personal word choice, and not a right or wrong situation. Either way would sound fine, I think.


Thank you FounDit, and do you think that it is correct to include a preposition such as of after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• engaged in evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
Would the inclusion of the preposition of alter the meaning of the sentence, when compared with:
• engaged in evaluation of corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines
Why is it preferable to not omit engaged in?
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, May 20, 2017 9:42:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, I would please ask you if the expressions in bold are correct in the following (it is bullet list):
engaged in (can it be omitted?) optimizing/ion of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials, (and?) in characterizing/ion of their mechanical and physical properties as well as (in?) evaluating/ion of (the?) corrosion resistance (of/in?), and detecting/ion of defects in, structures and pipelines


It is very long and wordy for a single bullet point. Also, tacking on "structures and pipelines" at the end suggests that all of these activities are directed to that purpose. If so, I think I would shift the wording a bit and create sub-points as the original to make it read better. Whether or not you use "engaged in" would depend on what precedes the bullet. But assuming it is needed, perhaps something like:
• engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials for structures and pipelines including:
..... — characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
..... — evaluation of their corrosion resistance and
..... — detection of potential defects


Thank you, FounDit, for your advice. In this case, however, "structures and pipelines" are not the purpose of all those activities, but they are only related to the evaluation of the corrosion resistance and the detection of defects. What precedes the bullet is: Industrial Engineer at X Inc.
What do you think about these modifications (in your opinion, which of the expressions in bold are more appropriate?):

Industrial engineer at X Inc.
engaged in optimization of the production process of metallic alloys and composite materials and characterization of their mechanical and physical properties
engaged in evaluation of (the?) corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines

I think both read well. The only thing that stood out to me was that word "the" before corrosion. I thought it read better without it, or move it to a position before "evaluation" [engaged in the evaluation of corrosion resistance...]


Thank you, FounDit. When saying both read well, do you mean that both engaged in could be omitted?
No. I meant that both could be included. Since "engaged" conveys the idea of "involved in" or "occupied with", I had no problem including the phrase twice.
Do you not think that a preposition such as of should be included after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• (engaged in) evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
If joined the two sentences with as well as, from a grammatical point of view, should it be followed by a noun or gerund, that is: ..., as well as evaluating/evaluation of the corrosion resistance and detecting/detection of ...

Well, you already have "evaluation of" and detection of" in your bullet point. If you desire to use "as well as" in the second part, I see no reason you cannot. It's just a matter of style and personal word choice, and not a right or wrong situation. Either way would sound fine, I think.


Thank you FounDit, and do you think that it is correct to include a preposition such as of after corrosion resistance, as follows:
• engaged in evaluation of corrosion resistance of, and detection of potential defects in, structures and pipelines
You may certainly include "of" if you wish, and if really doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.

Would the inclusion of the preposition of alter the meaning of the sentence, when compared with:
• engaged in evaluation of corrosion resistance and detection of potential defects in structures and pipelines
Reading it, I would think that both corrosion resistance and potential defects are two types of evaluations performed. So it becomes a matter of word choice, without altering the meaning.

Why is it preferable to not omit engaged in?

Here again, it is a matter of personal word choice. It could be omitted or retained as you wish.

A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Thursday, June 29, 2017 1:25:49 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.
FounDit
Posted: Friday, June 30, 2017 12:50:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Friday, June 30, 2017 9:37:13 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst to pursue a successful professional career.
In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.
FounDit
Posted: Friday, June 30, 2017 11:31:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
While both could work (the second being the best as written), I prefer the first one if a few words are changed.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst in order to pursue achieve a successful professional career.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.




A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Friday, June 30, 2017 3:49:29 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
While both could work (the second being the best as written), I prefer the first one if a few words are changed.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst in order to pursue achieve a successful professional career.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.




Thank you, FounDit, for your detailed suggestions.
What do you think about adding also before provides in:
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking also provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.
FounDit
Posted: Friday, June 30, 2017 7:48:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
While both could work (the second being the best as written), I prefer the first one if a few words are changed.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst in order to pursue achieve a successful professional career.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.




Thank you, FounDit, for your detailed suggestions.
What do you think about adding also before provides in:
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking also provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.

Placed as you have done, it seems a bit redundant to me. The first sentence says she is interested in gaining expertise in Investment Banking. The second says experiences in Investment Banking provides an opportunity for developing skills. Expertise and skills are so very closely related.

But you might place "also" at the beginning of the second sentence to show that it is the professional qualifications that are an added attraction and desired end. At one time it was frowned upon to begin a sentence with "also", but has now become quite acceptable. I think a bit of rewording is required for that addition, however.

It would then read: "In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. Also, the broad range of experiences and the solid, comprehensive professional skills developed, can lead to professional qualifications.






A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Carmenex
Posted: Saturday, July 01, 2017 7:46:12 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 1/7/2014
Posts: 873
Neurons: 4,614
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
While both could work (the second being the best as written), I prefer the first one if a few words are changed.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst in order to pursue achieve a successful professional career.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.




Thank you, FounDit, for your detailed suggestions.
What do you think about adding also before provides in:
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking also provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.

Placed as you have done, it seems a bit redundant to me. The first sentence says she is interested in gaining expertise in Investment Banking. The second says experiences in Investment Banking provides an opportunity for developing skills. Expertise and skills are so very closely related.

But you might place "also" at the beginning of the second sentence to show that it is the professional qualifications that are an added attraction and desired end. At one time it was frowned upon to begin a sentence with "also", but has now become quite acceptable. I think a bit of rewording is required for that addition, however.

It would then read: "In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. Also, the broad range of experiences and the solid, comprehensive professional skills developed, can lead to professional qualifications.






Thank you, FounDit. And, in your suggested modified sentence, would it sound inappropriate to add present in this career path (or in the career path of Investment banking), and replace also with additionally, as follows: Additionally, the broad range of experiences present in this career path (or in the career path of Investment banking) and the solid, comprehensive professional skills developed, can lead to professional qualifications.?
FounDit
Posted: Saturday, July 01, 2017 2:10:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,144
Neurons: 43,476
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
FounDit wrote:
Carmenex wrote:
Hi FounDit, could I please ask you if you can advise me how making the sentence in bold more concise by eliminating the redundant/superfluous expressions (I also included the preceding sentence in order to help you understand the context):
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. This career path, given the broad range of the activities involved in (the area of?) Investment Banking, represents a chance to get some solid and comprehensive professional experience of the different facets of the financial industry while concurrently acquiring a skill set which can be employed to achieve professional qualifications.

Not an easy task, but as I read it over, this is my first thought:

The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.


Thank you, FounDit. I think that your suggestion fits the purpose. In your opinion, which of the following options is more appropriate:
While both could work (the second being the best as written), I prefer the first one if a few words are changed.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of skills which I believe are required for an Investment Banking Analyst in order to pursue achieve a successful professional career.

In the course of her academic and professional career, she has developed a range of competencies and experience which I believe will enable her to succeed in her professional career as an Investment Banking Analyst.




Thank you, FounDit, for your detailed suggestions.
What do you think about adding also before provides in:
In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. The broad range of experiences present in the career path of Investment banking also provides an opportunity to gain solid, comprehensive professional skills, which can lead to professional qualifications.

Placed as you have done, it seems a bit redundant to me. The first sentence says she is interested in gaining expertise in Investment Banking. The second says experiences in Investment Banking provides an opportunity for developing skills. Expertise and skills are so very closely related.

But you might place "also" at the beginning of the second sentence to show that it is the professional qualifications that are an added attraction and desired end. At one time it was frowned upon to begin a sentence with "also", but has now become quite acceptable. I think a bit of rewording is required for that addition, however.

It would then read: "In particular, she is interested in gaining a high level of expertise in the areas of M&A transactions, and equity and debt securities with the goal of applying these skills as a member of an industry-specialised team in Investment Banking. Also, the broad range of experiences and the solid, comprehensive professional skills developed, can lead to professional qualifications.






Thank you, FounDit. And, in your suggested modified sentence, would it sound inappropriate to add present in this career path (or in the career path of Investment banking), and replace also with additionally, as follows: Additionally, the broad range of experiences present in this career path and the solid, comprehensive professional skills developed, can lead to professional qualifications.?

This is fine. And it wouldn't be inappropriate at all to use "additionally". I omitted the other phrases because I didn't think they were necessary. The career path in Investment banking had already been mentioned, so it seemed to me that using "also" or "additionally" would refer to that. You may certainly use either of them without any problem. I prefer the I used above.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
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