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Sophia Alexandrova
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 4:18:11 PM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 26
Neurons: 7,228
Location: Moscow, Moscow, Russia
Hello!

Could you please check if this sentence is right? Thanks in advance

Of no importance might it seem at first sight but self-identity is being crippled by numerous contacts and the necessity to construct a portrait in social networks according to which friends will treat a person in real life.
thar
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 5:01:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 15,755
Neurons: 62,977
Whoa - breathe!

This runs on way too long. It needs breaking up with punctuation.
If you identify your core sentence, then punctuate the adverbial phrases around that, that might improve how they link in.

There are some problems at the moment with phrases like:
"Of no importance might it seem at first sight"
This needs to be able to stand alone, and have a conjunction to link it to the main statement. E.g. 'although'.

But you already have a lot of conjunctions. You need commas at the very least.
Then the word order for the individual phrases will become clearer, and the word choice will become easier to examine.

Sophia Alexandrova
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 5:10:56 PM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 26
Neurons: 7,228
Location: Moscow, Moscow, Russia
THANKS!

thar wrote:
Whoa - breathe!

This runs on way too long. It needs breaking up with punctuation.
If you identify your core sentence, then punctuate the adverbial phrases around that, that might improve how they link in.

There are some problems at the moment with phrases like:
"Of no importance might it seem at first sight"
This needs to be able to stand alone, and have a conjunction to link it to the main statement. E.g. 'although'.

But you already have a lot of conjunctions. You need commas at the very least.
Then the word order for the individual phrases will become clearer, and the word choice will become easier to examine.

Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 5:34:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 26,856
Neurons: 146,496
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
I agree with thar that it might need a little "refinement" - however it does make sense.

If I read it slowly and carefully, it is perfectly grammatical, I think.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
thar
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 6:11:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 15,755
Neurons: 62,977
Hmmm.
I have issues with at least the first phrase and the last phrase

...Which friends will treat a person
Identifies who will treat them - as if they were doctors

But,
..According to how fiends treat them
Although that is better, that just confuses me, in terms of what it actually means in constructing a profile.Think

Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 8:01:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 26,856
Neurons: 146,496
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Ah! I deon't see "which friends", I see "according to which" - "which" being a relative pronoun relating to 'portrait'..
My breakdown:

Of no importance might it seem at first sight - introductory clause with double dramatic inversion "It might seem of no importance at first sight"

but - conjunction between clauses

self-identity is being crippled - main clause

by numerous contacts and the necessity to construct a portrait in social networks according to which friends will treat a person in real life. - agent of the passive verb 'cripple'.

numerous contacts - one of two noun-phrases connected to "by".

the necessity to construct a portrait in social networks according to which friends will treat a person in real life - the second of the two noun-phrases.

the necessity to construct a portrait - noun phrase
according to which, friends will treat a person in real life - adjectival modifying 'portrait'.

So . . .
Self-identity is being crippled by numerous contacts.
Self-identity is also being crippled by the necessity to construct a portrait in social networks.
Friends will treat a person in real life according to this portrait.
These facts might seem of no importance at first sight.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
NKM
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 9:55:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/14/2015
Posts: 3,978
Neurons: 175,356
Location: Corinth, New York, United States
Too much social networking?

Eh?

palapaguy
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2017 10:54:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/28/2013
Posts: 355
Neurons: 6,840
Location: Calabasas, California, United States
Sophia Alexandrova wrote:
Hello!

Could you please check if this sentence is right? Thanks in advance

Of no importance might it seem at first sight but self-identity is being crippled by numerous contacts and the necessity to construct a portrait in social networks according to which friends will treat a person in real life.


I lost interest halfway through the sentence. Simpler is always better.
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