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A poem Options
Tabanelli
Posted: Tuesday, October 11, 2016 6:57:30 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 9/15/2015
Posts: 5
Neurons: 28
Could you kindly correct the english literacy of this poem. The poem is vinculated to this song:


A moment of reflection

I am not a poet
I was not born a poet
I've never been a poet
However, here, at the seashore
By that orange glow sunset
I am an old poet, and also
I am The sky
The reddish clouds
The sea
The soft summer breeze
the breeze that touches my face,
I am the soft grass
And the fine sand under my feet
I am the small critters, and also
The wind
The seagulls
The waves
The continuos ripples
Bathing my feet.
Meanwhile,
With the sun setting,
I hear this song
The syncopated rhythm
That final flute
What does it mean?

Thank you
Tabanelli
Romany
Posted: Friday, October 14, 2016 4:08:26 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 14,220
Neurons: 44,068
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom


Was this poem written by an English speaker? If so the use of the word 'critturs' jars a little. That's all. But I don't understand why you asked the question? Or exactly what you meant by it. Perhaps that's why no-one has responded so far?

Don't try to impress with long, involved words. Just tell us in simple, plain English what it is you want to know about this poem.
Tabanelli
Posted: Saturday, October 15, 2016 6:29:33 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 9/15/2015
Posts: 5
Neurons: 28
Hi there Mr. Romany, responding to your comment, I speak Portuguese. In the text it is not written 'critturs' but 'critters'. I made this little poem to illustrate one of my songs. I, in no way, meant to impress anyone with flowery words. The reason for my question was simply hear the opinion of connoisseurs, to see if this simple poem has some value from a literary point of view. It was just that. I apologize to all if I put this in the wrong place.

Regards
Tabanelli
Romany
Posted: Sunday, October 16, 2016 5:41:23 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 14,220
Neurons: 44,068
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

Ok, thanks for the response - now I'm clearer on what you're after - an opinion on the poem.

I'm very surprised that the person who wrote this is also the person who wrote the sentences which appear in the first post. Those sentences are stiff, unclear and very 'foreign'.

The poem itself works very well and does, indeed, have literary merit. The short, clear use of language; the seemingly effortless flow of ideas; the 'atmosphere' - this poem works well. It could certainly take its place up against the kind of poetry that native English-speakers write.

The reason the word 'critturs/critters jars so badly is because the rest of the poem used standard language. The insertion of not just a slang word, but a Regional slang word (i.e. one familiar only to a very small portion of the English-speaking world) hits one in the face and breaks up the mood,the flow and the language.

It is also the case that this particular word is often used to caricature a speaker as a 'hill-billy' i.e. an uneducated member of the rural poor in one very small area of a particular country.

In poetry more than any other form of literature, each word is vitally important and has a duty to perform. Hence one word out of place can make a huge difference that wouldn't be so noticeable in any other form of text.

I would also encourage you to have a deeper look into the punctuation. Again, poetry is a form where punctuation makes a huge difference. (A single full stop can change the entire meaning of a poem!).

The third comment I'd make would be NOT to accept anyone else's advice about punctuation. Poetry is the most personal form of communication and DEPENDS upon the writers idiosyncratic use of language. So read it through thoughtfully and see if the addition, removal or exchange of a full stop, comma, semi-colon could make your own vision clearer.

Hope this critique both encourages and also helps. I really do like the piece.
Verbatim
Posted: Sunday, October 16, 2016 3:15:20 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/3/2012
Posts: 2,043
Neurons: 242,884
Tabanelli: The poem does justice to "the old poet" who became that: born "By that orange glow sunset" in the presence of perceptions
invoked by the glory of it; the sky, the reddish clouds and everything else the poet also feels identified with.
"That final flute
What does it mean?"
It means that the poet is alive, filled with the beauty of the moment. And the sunset even has its song.

I can only guess by the timing, but it looks as if you -Tabanelli- posted here on October 11 for an opinion on the lyrics. And as
orianelima, here at youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G5NkH5RKAA, on October 13, with lyrics, video and sound.
Well done, orianelima, our opinions notwithstanding, your creation has been a pleasure to view!
( Find it by searching the first 5 lines of the poem above.)





Tabanelli
Posted: Tuesday, October 18, 2016 9:48:36 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 9/15/2015
Posts: 5
Neurons: 28
Romany and Verbatim thank you for the time you spent in the evaluation of this poem. Mr. Verbatim I am happy with your words of encouragement, and glad you found my music on YouTube. I sincerely thank you both.
kdabber
Posted: Saturday, October 29, 2016 9:46:10 PM

Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/29/2016
Posts: 40
Neurons: 61,612
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
I find your words lovely.... and a POEM INDEED, just as they are.

Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Erhnice
Posted: Saturday, April 22, 2017 11:51:27 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 4/16/2017
Posts: 9
Neurons: 4,314
Here's my suggestion:

Just a moment

Not a poet,
not born a poet.
A poet? Never been.
However, here, on the seashore,
by that glowing orange sunset,
I am an old poet.
I am the sky
the reddish clouds
the sea
the soft summer breeze
touching my face.
The soft grass, I am,
underneath my feet.
I am the little critters, and also
the wind
the seagulls
the waves,
the continuous ripples,
bathing my feet.
Meanwhile,
as the sun sets,
I hear a song,
the syncopated rhythm
of that final flute...


Why? (1) the title was too obvious; (2) omission of the subject and verb makes the lines more interesting to read (because the reader will have to guess WHO is the subject); (3) "on" instead of "at" when referring to the seashore; (4) "touching" (the gerund is more emphatic); (5) inversions make constructions a lot more powerful; however, one is enough; (6) "underneath" gives the idea of a bottom surface; (7) "small" = "little", but "little" is more affectionate, I think; (8) "continuous" (spelling); (9) wrong use of the preposition: *"with the sun setting"; (10) I think "a song" gives the idea that you begin to hear it coming from afar; it's more impactful; (11) "the ... rhythm of that final flute": "that final flute" is kind of mysterious (readers may ask, "which one?"); "that", that is, the rhythm the persona can hear; readers, can't; finally, why "final"? It's open to interpretation), as it should be.
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